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6.23.2009

2009-06-24T15:40:00.002-04:00

Me 10:36a
G'mornin', hunnie. I hope your knee & energy are better. Do you have the wrap? Or wouldn't it help? I love you, and wish you a successful, happy, & healthy day.

Me 10:46
Took tram, flex, & tylenol before seepies to work out the gas. Poor puppy ;-). I'm doing better but not outta bed, yet. :: crossing paws :: when I try to move.

DC 12:38p
Hey hun, sorry, I'm really feeling bad today

Me 12:39
I'm sorry to hear that, baby. Shmoochies on yer forehead? I'm *still* in bed :-(

DC 12:40
Well get your rest and get back with me later, ok?

Me 12:41
Ok. Hope things improve for you :: crossing paws :: buhbyezzzz

DC
You too hun. Bye 4 now

--- --- --- ---

Me 3:33p
Hiya, hun. I'm awake again. I think ;-) ... what're ya up to?

DC 3:34
Trying to stop getting sick

Me
I'm sorry, hunnie. Tum-tum again?

Me 3:42
Uh oh. I haven't heard back. I'm really hoping that means you didn't get the message :: crossing paws ::

DC 3:44
Sorry hun. I'm bad sick

Me 3:45
Me, too, baby. What's wrong?

DC
Stomach

Me 3:47
:-( ... We really need to find out what's wrong so you don't go thru this anymore.

Me 3:56
Or maybe its from the heroin someone put in your drink over the weekend? This is about when the withdrawal symptoms should be at their worst :-(

DC 4:00
It is

DC 4:01
I'm about to pass out on the bathroom floor

Me
I'm so sorry! I wanna be there for you, baby. I wish I wasn't so far away.

Me 4:02
:,-(

DC
Me too

Me 4:05
I'm here for you as best I can be. I understand if you don't text back. I hope Sam & Nora get home soon so you don't hafta go thru this alone :: sniff ::

DC 4:06
Yeah, I'm going back to bed baby

Me 4:07
Ok, sweetie. G'luck. Hope you rest well & this passes quickly.

DC 4:08
Ty, bye 4 now

Me
Buh bye for now, baby.

--- --- --- ---

DC 7:06p
Hey hun. How are you feeling?

Me
Hi, sweetie. Just checkin' in to see how you're doing ... Hopefully this doesn't wake you up if yer finally sleeping well.

Me 7:07
:: snickerage :: just wrote ya, too. Sore, tired, too hot. In other words, a lot better ;-). You?

DC 7:10
Still feeling like shit. I'm going to try to eat something then go back to bed. I can't stop shaking

Me 7:11
Sorry, baby. G'luck on eating, sleeping, & getting rid of the shakies :-(

DC 7:12
Ty. What are you doing tonight?

Me 7:13
Maybe this bananas, rice, apples, & toast stuff would help you, too? According to my doctor, they're the easiest to hold down & digest. Plus I'm drinking the SmartWater which has real electrolytes, not just sugar, acid, & salt like Gatorade.

Recuperating.

Me 7:21
I hope you're ok & a message just got lost somewhere. Been awhile since I heard from you ...

DC 7:23
Sorry, I was in the restroom

Me 7:24
:-( I was really hoping for the lost message, cuz my guess is that "in the restroom" = "feeling sick".

DC
Kinda

Me
Sorry, hun.

Me 7:25
You doing anything tonight?

DC
Its ok

DC 7:26
Sleeping probobly

Me
Ok. I just want you to feel well, be happy, and ouchie-free. Right now all of those sound like what the business world calls aggressive goals.

Me 7:27
*nods* yup. I've been trying to convince myself to walk all the way over to the meds for hours. Haven't taken *any*, but they're so very far away ;-)

DC
Me too. I hope its gone by tomorrow

Me 7:28
Me, too, hunnie.

DC 7:29
Well you need your meds

Me
I know. But even stuff that's on the bed with me is "too far" :-(

DC 7:30
That sucks

Me 7:31
Yup. If its not in my hand, then its too far.

DC
Sorry hun

Me 7:32
Thx. On the good news side, I'm sitting up now.

DC
Thats good

Me 7:33
*nods* but damn this phone is _heavy_!!

DC
Sorry

Me 7:34
Its ok, hun. I was trying to be funny. I mean, it *is* heavy, but I was hoping it'd make you smile.

DC 7:36
Getting better would make me happy

Me 7:37
*nods* I'm working on that, hun. Same here, ok? You getting better makes for a happier Tig & Bene.

Brb. The mother figure is here.

DC 7:38
Ok, sorry this makes you upset

Me 7:47
I'm not upset, hun. Its just a fairly good gauge of how bad you feel when nothing's funny. So yeah, I'm upset that you feel that bad, but I'm not upset at you.

Me 7:48
She brought me my meds. I should feel a bit better in a half-hour or so. :: crossing paws :: wish there were meds for you.

DC
Ok, ty

DC 7:50
Me too, the bed is really looking good right now

Me
Yer welcome, baby. That's the last thing I want is for you to think I'm upset at *you* just cuz you didn't think joke was funny. I do, hwever, reserve the right to be upset at me for being unable to help you in any way.

*nods* I'll bet. Bed good.

DC 7:51
Noone can right now

Me
Right now I'm really missing the nice cool water bed.

DC
Yep

Me 7:52
I know, but I love you too much, hun, to feel so powerless.

DC
I bet so. That is always good to have a cool bed

Me 7:53
*nods* I'm seriously considering putting the ceiling fan on High.

DC
Well I can't do anything and I am here

DC 7:54
That could be a good thing

Me
Yeah, I guess. I'll try to not feel bad, but its very hard.

*nods* it could be. But I gotta actually stand up for that ;-)

DC 7:55
Sorry hun

Damn

Me
:: shrug :: its ok. I just love you. I hear this caring thing is part of that ;-)

DC 7:56
It is and ty

Me
Yer welcome, sweetie.

DC 7:58
Sorry hun but I need to go lay down. I'm really dizzy

Me
I'm hoping the meds will help me feel good enough to take a shower. I feel gross. I felt soooo bad yesterday that I :: sniff :: forgot about Bene :-(

Me 7:59
Ok, baby. Take care.

DC
Damn

You too hun

Me
Yeah, I'm such a bad mom. Buh bye for now, baby.

DC 8:00
Bye hun

--- --- --- ---

DC 10:27p
You still awake?

Me
I am now ;-) ... Wussup?

DC 10:28
Just checking on you

Me
Ok. How're you doing?

DC 10:29
I just woke up again for a few mins

Me
Ok.

DC 10:30
Still kinda rough but atleast food is kinda staying down

Me 10:31
:-D hooray for food! Hoping this means things will keep improving for you.

DC 10:32
Well its not coming "up"

Me
:-)

DC 10:33
So are you doing any better?

Me 10:35
Some. Took meds & that's helping. However, eating leads to stabbing pains & farting til it "settles" :-(

DC
That sucks hun

Me 10:36
Yeah, I think so, too.

DC 10:37
I hope you will be able to sleep tonight

Me
Thank you. I should. Hope you do, too.

DC 10:39
Well I've taken some sleepie meds and I think that has helped my stomach

Me 10:40
That's great to hear. 2 birds, 1 med ;-)

DC 10:42
Right, but I think I'm going to end up taking more

Me
Ok. If its helping, I don't see why not.

DC 10:45
Yep, and most of everything isn't hurting for now

Me
That is great, too. :-D

DC
Yep

Me 10:47
I'm sorry, hun, but I'm falling asleep between texts.

DC 10:49
Well I just took more meds so if there is anything you want to talk about now is the time, lol ;-)

Ok hun

Me 10:50
I'd love to, but I'm just too seepie since taking my meds. Hope you sleep & heal well. Buhbyezzzz.

Me 10:56
Didja get this hunnie? "I'd love to, but I'm just too seepie since taking my meds. Hope you sleep & heal well. Buhbyezzzz."

DC
Bye baby, luv you

Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

6.22.2009

2009-06-23T10:23:00.001-04:00

Thoughts: Three days! the PUs are leaving in three days :-D ...

--- --- --- ---

DC 1:23p
Are you at home or work?

Me 1:42
Doctor's office.

DC
Whats wrong?

Me 1:45
Viral gastro-enteritis. Nothin' but bananas, rice, apples, & toast for a week. A *really* strong anti-diarrheal prescription. Off work til Friday. How're you?

Me 1:48
Good thing I came in today. It just gets worse. I'm a few hours before the uncontrollable barfing starts ;-) ... The mother figure drove me, so ttyl?

DC 1:49
Believe it or not, still drained

Ok hun

Me
Sorry, baby :-( ... I figured you would be, but I hoped you wouldn't be.

DC 1:50
Me too

Me
Thank you. There's so much gas build-up now its pressuring my heart & lungs. Buh bye for now, baby.

DC 1:51
Sorry hun. Bye

--- --- --- ---

Me 6:55p
I'm finally awake. Sort of. ;-)

DC 7:06
Ok, and we are on our way to dinner, LOL

DC 7:23
Text you when I get back to the house then I take it?

Me 7:24
Ok, baby. Enjoy. Hope yer feeling much better. Buhbyez.

DC 7:25
Some but not alot. Ttyl, bye

--- --- --- ---

DC 8:59p
Hey, what are you up to?

DC 9:37
You there?

--- --- --- ---

Me 11:10p
Hi, hun. I've been in & out of sleep. Mostly just a lotta ouchies :-( ... How're you?

Me 11:11
Didja get to watch RAW commercial-free tonight? Sounded like it'd be right up yer alley ;-)

DC 11:12
Even worse with my knee. I opened a door into it earlier

Me
Oh, baby, not good :-(

DC 11:13
Yeah, it was good. Vince "bought" Raw back

Me 11:14
Not even puppy wants to be near me. The only way to release the gas pain is to, uh, release the gas. Not good. Purty gross, actually ;-)

:: snickerage :: that's a big surprise ;-)

DC 11:15
Nope. I can barely stand on it

I bet. You need to get better

Me 11:17
You do, too, hunnie. Anything I can send to help? At least now I can release the gas without making a big mess. Just major stinkies ;-)

DC
For twice the money Trump paid

DC 11:18
Sorry baby

Me
LOL! At least per the storyline. I thought it was funny SciFi had a commercial for Raw at 9:23. Hmmm. Who owns whom, I wonder ...

Me 11:20
Thank you. Without getting too graphic (I hope), at least I have poop now. When I usually called the doc's office, they send me to voicemail & get back with me. Today they put me on hold & came back with an appointment just a couple hours later. Kinda makes ya wonder what else this might have been, eh?

DC 11:21
Yeah

Me 11:22
I'm too out of it to remember how to turn off the tv & go upstairs. :: sigh ::

DC 11:23
God, you need to go sleepies huh?

Me 11:24
:: snickerage :: that's pretty much all I been doing all freakin' day.

Me 11:25
I just really hurt like hell :-( ... Unfortunately I'm awake enough to *know* that now. Ick.

DC 11:26
I know how that is

Me
*nods* I can almost eat again. That's new.

DC 11:27
Take your meds and go to bed. You need rest

Wow

Me
*nods* once I figure out how to turn the thtoopid tv off ;-)

Me 11:28
Yeah. I've had about 1/3c rice & an apple. That hurt, too. This sucks. And that's *all* I've had since lunch yesterday. Which is all I ate yesterday.

Me 11:30
I haven't even had the energy for a cig today!

DC 11:31
God, I don't know what to say hun

Wow

Me 11:32
:: shrug :: not much to say, I'm thinkin'. I don't hava fever, but I'm sweaty as hell cuzza the ouchies. My folks said I'm saying ouch & moaning in my sleep.

Me 11:35
I just keep thinking you're here, snugging & saying it'll be over soon. Doc says it'll feel like I'm having "constant" a heart attack til the gas dies down :-(

DC
I'm so sorry hun

Me
Thx. Me, too. I just thought I had an upset tummy ;-)

DC
God

DC 11:36
I know

Me
*nods* so ... I really hope you're feeling better. I need something good, ya know what I mean?

DC 11:37
Yeah

Me
Finally figured out the tv ... AniMonday's off. That was driving me cuhrazy!

DC 11:38
I bet so

Me
If I had the energy & $ for it, I was seriously considering dropping in for a surprise snugg ;-) ...

But yer luck held out, I'm still in Michigan ;-)

DC 11:39
LOL

Me 11:40
Did I mention I'm off work til Friday? Wowza, huh?

DC
I'm hurting so bad that I'm shooting jager and snorting vicoden

Me
I'm sorry, baby. :: sniff ::

DC
Yeah you did

DC 11:41
Thanks

Me
Yer welcome. Wish I could do somethin'. Prolly better I'm far away so I don't accidentally make it worse.

DC 11:43
Same here. I would try so hard to make you feel better that I would do something wrong

Me 11:44
I'd still rather you were here, tho'. Er, us together.

DC
Yeah

DC 11:48
I think I'm going to shower and go sleepies

Me
Ok, hunnie. I hope you feel loads better tomorrow :: crossing paws ::

Me 11:51
Gah! Just read online this could take 10 days to clear up! :-(

DC 11:52
Damn hun, I'm sorry

Me
Oh, and this prolly helped make the weekend's meltdown a lot worse. Sorry :-(

DC 11:53
Probobly so

Me
Me, too. Usually done in 1-2 days, maybe 4, but "could be" up to 10.

DC 11:54
Damn

Me
So I'm gonna try some pain meds & see if I can get some more sleep. Hope sleep works well for you, too.

DC 11:55
Me too on both parts

Me
*nods* g'night, sweetie.

DC 11:56
Night baby

Me
:: snickerage :: its so funny. This is highly contagious, so don't eat my poop ;-)

Buhbyezzzz

DC 11:57
You nasty, lol. Bye

6.21.2009

2009-06-21T23:34:00.001-04:00

Me 1:15a
Well this isn't fair :-( ... 2 tram, 2 flex, 3 tylenol, *all* my seepie meds, 2 shots Bacardi. All that, and I got nothin'. Hope your night is better than this.

DC 1:31
I'm sorry sweetie, I hope it gets better. I'm sorry

Me 1:34
Thank you. Tonight's proven my parents right. I was stupid to think anything else, even for a second. I don't know what else to do. If they were wrong, I would.

DC 1:39
What do you mean?

Me 1:43
I mean that they were right about me. I'm an unwanted waste of space nobody that will never be useful, amount to anything, or matter. You matter. People take care of you. They wanna spend time with you. They wanna do things for you. They wanna drink, party, and socialize with you. I have *none* of that.

Me 1:57
And I'm guessing by how long its taking you to respond, I've interrupted your fun again. Sorry. Nevermind. Enjoy, cuz you deserve & need it. Bye.

DC
Hun, i love you, thats what what

DC 1:58
Hun, i love you, thats what what matters

--- --- --- ---

Me 8:22a
I didn't receive any pictures. I was excited because you assured me they'd be here, just to be hurt again. You had one thing to do, taking 5-10 minutes, to show me you care, that I'm more important than parties & friends. I'm sorry you've chosen to remain an immature liar who breaks his promises & an irresponsible narcissistic bastard. I won't be hurt by your immaturity anymore & you can't use me ... that's what your "sugar parents" are for. I'm glad you're happy & feel at home w/them; wish it was w/me. Thank you for stringing me along just to abandon me, proving all those people right about you. I tried to call a few minutes ago; I wasn't important enough for you to pick up. If you didn't want to go thru this on/off shit anymore, it was up to you to take a few minutes for me. You didn't. You're going to need a lot more than pretty words to fix this, if that's even possible.

Me 9:09
What you need to do to keep us a couple: * We text & talk at my convenience, how I want to communicate, even when your friends are around. I'm not buying the "full attention" excuse, or just about any other one, anymore. * Get a job, whatever it (legally) takes. * Pay your monthly phone bill, fix your driver's license & warrant issues, and pay back -our- debts to (mostly) my friends & family. * Pretty words aren't enough anymore. If you're sorry, then behavior changes. Do what you say & say what you do. * "I'm sick, tired, partied out, ..." don't matter. Managing these is part of being an adult. * You work to connect w/me. Our 2nd anniversary is in 3mths. I'm done waiting for you to be the responsible person who takes care of others, doing what it takes to make things work. Be who you said you are. * Take care of me & us. Period. * A fetish event is an extra, not a main goal. Your main goal is US. Period.

Me 9:13
These are non-negotiable. *I* am the only one who determines if I'm satisfied. You don't get to decide whether or not its "enough". You've lost that privilege.

Me 12:37p
And you're probably still asleep, enjoying the afterglow of another fun-filled night of drinking your pain away. Must be nice to not have to do anything responsible ... ever. I'm so far past jealous of your lifestyle. In this economy, you *still* find nursemaids to spoil you. That's fucking amazing. I'm so hurt & pissed right now (& have been), and you don't care because you're having fun on everyone else's dollar, not having a care in the world, including me, and sleeping the days away. Wow, I feel like a priority, like I'm your whole life, like your love is all that matters. Yes, that was sarcasm.

--- --- --- ---

DC 1:54p
For your fucking information someone slipped something in one of my drinks last night. I just got back from the hospital. I'm glad to see that you care so much about me. I'm fucking done

DC 1:55
You want to talk to me then text me

Me 1:56
Well why didn't you have anyone tell me? And maybe if you didn't hava such a long history making me last on the list, I would've assumed something else.

Me 1:57
I care more about you than anything or anyone else in the world. I feel bad that you had something happen. But your precious caretakers could've fucking let me know. But then again, they probably have no respect for me, either.

DC
Its not like I could tell anyone anything, I was fucking druged

Me 1:58
And your babysitters don't know I exist, I suppose.

DC
Fuck you. I'm done

Me 1:59
What the fuck do you want from me? This is insane.

Me 2:00
Look ... I'm sorry something bad happened. But dammit! I need to be kept in the loop if I'm to believe I'm a priority.

DC 2:01
Right now, I don't know if I want anything from you. I just got out of the hospital and all you can do is talk shit

Me
I fucking said I'm sorry.

Me 2:04
I want to be a part of your life. I said I'm sorry. I want to be there for you. But in order to do that, I need to know what's going on.

DC 2:05
I couldn't tell anyone anything, I was knocked out. They were a bit worried about me so sorry that their top fucking priorty wasn't someone they don't fucking know

Me 2:06
Ok, I can see that.

Me 2:07
Its just that Barb would find a way to reach you if something happened to me.

Me 2:08
So what happened?

DC
You need to stop passing judgement on people. That doesn't show me that you care about me

DC 2:09
She also knows me

Me
Um, ... Believe me, I agree with that. But ... You have no trouble passing judgment on my friends.

Me 2:10
She's met you once. Why would someone wanna put something in your drink? That makes no sense to me.

DC 2:11
Someone poured liquid hairouin into my drink

Me 2:12
That sucks, especially with you & that drug's history. I'm sorry that happened. You gonna be ok?

DC
Me either. I'm thinking they thought it was noras drink

Me 2:13
In either case, that's very bad. To do to anyone.

Me
Brb.

DC 2:14
I think so. I feel like shit and I'm DTing pretty bad

Me 2:18
Sorry, baby. Its one of those that never really leaves after you've been addicted, I take it :-(

DC 2:19
Nope

Me 2:20
I screwed up, did what I promised not to do, all because this happened when I was already mid-meltdown. I hope you'll forgive me.

Me 2:26
I guess maybe that's why your last message to me just before 2am was weird, huh?

DC 2:27
I'm going to need some time. I'm really hurt. I'm sorry but this one really messed me up bad

What did I send?

Me 2:28
Me, too. And of course I didn't mean right this second. That's just crazy. Sorry if it sounded that way.

Looking ... Just a moment ...

DC
Ok

Me 2:31
Here's the last bit of conversation. I was surprised you never said "bye" but then I finally fell asleep:
<see 1:34a to 1:58a>

DC 2:34
God, I don't even remember that conversation

Me 2:37
That's why I included most of it. Given the circumstances, I figured you wouldn't. This isn't an excuse, ok? Just telling you how I got so far off-track. But I was mid-meltdown. I got dropped off the planet by the one person I thought I could count on. I don't hear anything from anyone (maybe we should tell folks to call each other?). All the bs I thought was 6.12 came back with a vegeance & grabbed hold, then this just felt like "proof" that my good feelings were all wrong. So I lashed out & was mean. Again, I'm very sorry.

Me 2:42
Hopefully I get some brownie points for apologizing without even being asked and ripping myself outta the badness a *lot* sooner than usual :: crossing paws ::

DC 2:45
Ok hun. I need to lay down, I really feel like shit

DC 2:46
Yeah hun, thank you

Me
I'm sure you do, baby. If it helps, I'm sending warm loving hugs to you. We're leaving for the annual Father's Day feast soon. I'll text when we're done?

Yer welcome.

DC 2:48
Ok, if you don't hear from me that means I'm sleeping

Me 2:49
:-) I know. You really need the rest & recuperation. Thx for making sure I realize that. Buhbyezzzz :-*

DC 2:50
Bye hun

--- --- --- ---

Me 5:39p
We're finally back from dinner. Thx to vicodin, alcohol, & emotionally wrung outness, I'm gonna nappie-doo. Hope you're snoozling well & this doesn't wake you.

Me 6:51
I'm kinda awake now if yer up & wanna text.

--- --- --- ---

DC 7:25p
Hey, I'm going to be awake long enough to eat something and then I'm going back to bed. I still feel like shit

Me 7:27
Ok. Hope you feel better soon.

DC 7:28
Me too, I don't like this at all

Me
I'll bet not. Wish there was some way I could help you.

DC 7:29
Me too

Me 7:31
One of my biggest concerns is that you have trouble breathing when sleeping. Heroin causes breathing problems. Ben can't be there to make sure you're ok. :-(

DC 7:32
I know, I seem to be ok so far

Me 7:33
I'd really like that to continue to be the case.

DC 7:34
Me too

Me 7:36
Good to hear :-) I also hope there's notta lotta withdrawal symptoms cuz it was only one exposure. Hopefully the docs gave you a way to manage 'em just in case.

DC 7:37
Yeah, I should be

Me 7:38
That's great, hun.

DC 7:39
Yeah, I'm really tired though

Me
Hopefully nothing else will happen, but I'd really appreciate it if Sam & Nora would let me know when something does.

DC 7:40
I will tell them to

Me
I'll bet you are. That's a very hard thing to go thru. And while I've never done it myself, I've heard that seepieness is part of the heroin reaction.

Me 7:42
Thank you.

DC 7:44
It is. I should wake up tomorrow well rested

Me 7:46
:-) ok. I won't keep you from foodage. I'm here if you wake up and/or wanna chat. I don't hafta be human til 11:30a tomorrow.

DC
Ok

Me 7:48
So I guess its buh bye for now unless you'd rather keep texting.

DC 7:49
I'm sorry but I'm so out of it that I just want to eat and sleep

Me 7:50
Its ok. Please rest & heal well. Buhbyez.

DC 7:51
Ty, I will, bye

--- --- --- ---

Me 11:14p
Hey, hun. Checking in to make sure yer ok. Ben got up as if making sure you're breathing, but I'm breathing fine. Hope she just felt like stretching her paws...

DC 11:16
Yeah, I guess I am. Your text woke me up, LOL

Me 11:17
:: snickerage :: sorry!

DC 11:18
Its ok, I need to go to the restroom anyway

Me
Okey dokes. Hope it goes better for you than me :: crossing paws ::

DC 11:19
Huh?

Me 11:20
I'm feeling nauseous, and my diarrhea's so bad its like pee. Several times an hour. For more than 24 hours now.

DC
That sucks

Me 11:22
Yup. Didn't mention it yesterday cuz I thought you were having fun & I didn't wanna ickify it. Then I was too meltdownish. Now it seems kinda silly with what you've got going on.

DC 11:24
Don't think like that, I need to know when you're not feeling too

Me 11:25
Thx :: sniff ::

DC 11:26
Ok, I really hate to but I need to go back to sleep hun

Me 11:27
Ok, baby. Nie-nie & buhbyezzzz.

DC 11:28
Night, I hope you feel better

Me
dittage.

DC 11:29
Ty baby, bye

Me
Bye. :-*

6.20.2009

2009-06-21T02:38:00.001-04:00

Me 11:17a
G'mornin'. I start at 11:30 today & will try to get a hold of you during my break. I'm sure had fun last night & I hope today goes well for you.

Me 1:36p
Heya, hun ... I'm on break. Wanna chat?

DC
Ok, how is your day going?

Me 1:37
Ok. Yours?

DC 1:38
Ok I guess, trying to figure out what we want for lunch

Me
G'luck with that. How was the Club?

DC 1:39
Ok, kinda slow but ok

Me
Ok, I guess is, uh, ok ;-)

DC 1:40
Lol. It was fun though

Me 1:41
That's good. Ben didn't calm down til 4:30a.

DC 1:43
God, why didn't you text me?

Me 1:44
Cuz I didn't wanna bug yer fun. I was very, um how do you say, ... Annoyed. Cranky. Fucking pissed ;-)

DC 1:46
Talking to me makes you feel better. I told you to text me if you woke up hun

Me 1:47
I know, baby. Its just, well, dealing with her made you're going out again to drink & have fun even harder on me, and I didn't wanna be mean about it.

DC 1:48
Ok, ty

Me 1:49
Yer welcome. Sorry, break's over. Catch you around 3p?

DC
Ok hun

DC 3:25
I guess you didn't get to take your break at 3 after all

Me 3:34
Nope. Just got to food time. Hopefully yer still available :: crossing paws ::

DC
Hey hun. Yeah, we are just walking around the mall, LOL

Me 3:35
Okey dokes. I'm starving! They changed my lunch to 4p ... Um, NO! ;-)

DC 3:37
Yeah, you need to eat. You've been there awhile already

Me 3:38
Zackly. They got the hint when I mentioned the scene in Madagascar when the Lion started seeing everyone as steaks on legs ;-)

DC 3:40
Lol, thats bad

Me 3:41
*nods* a customer came into my line just as I was saying that and she's like oh, you mean you're so hungry you wanna eat our food? Um, yeah, sure, that'd be it.

DC 3:43
Lol, even you arn't that hungry

Me 3:44
Yep. Food good. Mood getting better. Yum.

DC 3:45
Thats good

Me
*nods* whatcha at the mall for?

DC 3:48
Just walking around. Something to do, LOL

Me 3:49
Good. Hopefully that means your knee is feeling better.

DC 3:51
Thats part of the reason I'm here. I'm trying to walk it off some

Me
Can we talkie-talk sometime soon, please?

Me 3:52
Gotcha.

DC
Sure, when is best for you hun?

Me 3:53
Maybe my later break? In theory its around 6p.

DC
Ok hun, that sounds good

Me 3:54
Ok, thx. I really appreciate it :-) ... One of my co-worker's father's is in charge of the local medical THC clinic. I think we gotta talk about that ;-)

DC 3:55
Lol, yep

Me 3:56
Damn, where'd the time go?! Only 5mins left. Yeesh!

DC 3:57
Lol, sorry hun

Me
:: snickerage :: thx.

DC 3:58
I guess I will ttyl

Me
I spent $1.87 on my lunch. I've decided I don't even wanna keep my food in the icky breakroom. I just felt "off" yesterday.

Ok, baby. I'll text first, then call, when I'm really on break again.

Me 3:59
Buhbyezzzzz. Oops, I mean buh bye for now ;-)

DC 3:59
I can imagion

Ok hun

DC 4:00
Bye hun

Me 6:02
Hi, baby. I'm on break & will call momentarily :-)

DC
Ok

--- --- --- ---

Me 8:05p
I'm done w/ work. Gonna run an errand so I gotta bit of time. Didn't get any pix, yet. How's yer night going?

DC 8:07
We are about to go. Can I get the pics to you tomorrow?

Me
Okey dokes. Buhbyez.

DC 8:08
Bye 4 now baby

--- --- --- ---

Me 10:17p
Danny, it really really hurt that you couldn't take five minutes out of your busy party schedule to send me, supposedly your top priority, a couple pictures, knowing how happy I'd be to get them. And when I texted, it was basically a "fuckoff I'm too busy for you" message. Yeah, I really feel like I matter. I can't take this pain & rejection anymore. Its time for you to make *your* decision. Stop being an irresponsible narcissist or its over. Period.

DC 10:22
Hun I had fallen asleep and just woke up when you texted me. I'm sorry you got up set, I never wanted that to happen

Me 10:25
Thank you. But ... It seems like you have no responsibilities & party daily at others' expense, and then can't do something small for *me*. How would you feel?

DC 10:26
I understand what you're saying but I fell asleep... Sorry

Me 10:28
Well maybe if you'd said something other than "we're heading out now, I'll do it tomorrow." That makes it sound like hey, they're more important to me, kiss off.

DC 10:29
No, not at all. I'm sorry, ok?

Me
And I said thank you for that.

Me 10:32
If you would've said something, "I'm sorry, baby, I fell asleep. We hafta meet in DC in a half hour and I'll make sure to send the pix tomorrow" it wouldn't have ripped me up so bad.

DC 10:35
Ok, how about if I take the pics when I get back to the house and I send them so when you wake up you will have them?

Me 10:36
:: snickerage :: you'll prolly be too tired and/or drunk. I'd love that, but I don't wanna set you up for failure, ya know?

DC 10:37
I will do it hun, ok?

Me 10:38
Ok, thank you. You have no idea how hard it is for a person like me to be in love with you. I'm not saying that's your fault. It just is.

DC 10:40
No hun I don't understand. I'm just me

Me 10:41
Yeah, you are. And I'm just me.

DC 10:42
And I like you just being you

Me 10:43
Maybe I don't wanna be the stay-at-home loser anymore. Maybe I wanna have fun, too. But I can't. Ever. I'm sorry if that bothers you, but obviously its true.

DC 10:50
It does bother me cause I want you to have fun too. To be honest I'm trying to start a show up here so I'm checking out as many clubs as I can so maybe I can make money doing something I know

Me 10:52
And I wish you nothing but success. I'm just really sad that I'll never be a part of your success. :: shrug :: You have a lot going on over there, more than I'll ever be able to give you. And it hurts to realize that.

DC 10:54
You give me the confidence to do what I do hun

Me 10:55
Um, huh? You did it for years before you met me. That's just a buncha nice-sounding hoohah.

Me 10:56
And you were a lot better at it before you met me, from all the stories.

DC 10:57
You give me what I need to do it away from SCP

Me 11:00
Um, ok? I still don't understand, tho. Last I'd heard, you were making the connections to bring SCP into the area, so I don't get how that's "away from SCP."

DC 11:02
Cause I am away from everyone and doing it on my own

Me 11:04
Ok, I guess. I'm gonna go put myself into a coma & hope for the best. I hope you have a good evening with your friends.

DC 11:06
Well I hope you can relax some and have a good night too baby

Me 11:07
Thank you. I hope I can pass out & forget myself for just a little while. G'night.

DC 11:08
Ok hun, ttyt, night

6.19.2009

2009-06-19T22:49:00.002-04:00

Me 8:25a
G'mornin' ;-) ... My first break is arounf 9:45, lunch 11:15, and 2nd break 2:30. Hope to chat, that you feel good & unouchy, and hava good day. :-)

Me 9:47
Breaks changed ... 10:30, 12:30, 3:00. Approximately ;-)

Me 10:20
I'm on 1st break. Hope yer sleepin' well, hunnie. :: crossing paws :: on the knee & anything else you want some luck on :: snickerage ::

DC 12:37p
You on break yet?

Me 12:44
I'm finally on lunch. I think they waited for the rush to start before I could go ;-)

DC 12:45
That makes no sence

Me
Nope ;-) ... But hey, I'm not the manager. I just go when they say, ya know?

DC 12:46
Yep

Me
How're you doing today, hun?

Me 12:50
Didja get this? Or you're bizzy :-) ... How're you doing today, hun?

DC 12:51
Still sore

Me
Sorry, baby.

DC
I just got both messages

Me too

Me 12:52
:: snickerage :: yeah, we know how that goes ;-)

Me 12:55
I'll be done eating soon. I can hardly wait to hop outside. The breakroom atmosphere sucks :-(

DC 12:57
Why is that hun?

Me 12:59
When they took over this store, it was closed for over a year for remodeling. The energy is really good on the floor. But the back is almost all still old.

DC 1:00
Damn

Me 1:01
35 years ago, this was brand new. Then they let it deteriorate as they we're going outta business. FJ took over & never remodeled. Then they let it languish as they went outta biz. All that icky energy is still on the back areas, which is where the lunchroom is.

DC 1:02
That does suck

Me
*nods* big-time.

DC 1:03
I'm sorry its so bad

Me 1:04
Thank you. What's "funny" is that there are a couple employees who've been here since FJ, one since A! You can feel it. Er, at least I can, anywayz.

DC 1:05
Damn

Me 1:06
Yeah, both chains got pretty bad near the end. Oh, well. So ... I only gotta coupla minutes left. What's positive to chat about?

DC 1:07
Anything you want to talk abov

Me 1:08
I wuv you! :-D ... That's purty damned pozy-tiv.

DC 1:09
Me to hun

Me 1:10
:-D ... And the folks here think yer hot, btw :: snickerage ::

DC 1:11
Figures

Me
Hee! Lunch is over :-( ... Buh bye for now, baby.

DC 1:14
Ok hun, bye

Me 3:06
Hey, baby. I'm on my last break. how's yer day going? Besides still sore :-(

Me 3:10
Heya, hun. Dunno if ya got my last message or yer bizzy ... I'm on break for another 8mins.

DC 3:11
Hey hun, how are you feeling?

Me 3:12
Whew! A widdle wushed. ;-)

Me 3:14
I've had mostly $100+ orders for over an hour, and the baggers have been busy doing other stuff around the store :-(

DC 3:17
That sucks

I'm sorry hun

Me 3:18
:: shrug :: its ok. Just part of it, I guess ;-) ...

DC
Yeah

DC 3:19
I just want to stop hurting

Me
But ... I'm relaxed! I *like* it here.

I know, baby. I wish you would stop hurting, too.

DC 3:20
Well thats really good

Me
*nods* I hope that the job you get is good, too, and that it happens for you soon. :: crossing paws ::

DC
I just hope things keep going well for you

Me 3:21
Thank you. Sorry, break's over. Buhbyez.

DC
Me too, this is driving me crazy

DC 3:22
Ok hun

Bye

--- --- --- ---

Me 5:13p
Done with work, back at the house. How're you?

DC 5:15
Ok I guess. Just sitting around

Me 5:16
Gotcha. I'm doing that now, too ;-)

Me 5:19
My feet are tingly & a tad ouchie. I'm not used to just *standing* for a full shift.

DC 5:23
Yeah, I'm sure you will get more ure to it

Me
:: snickerage :: prolly so. Working 8 hours again tomorrow. Thank goodness I don't start til 11:30, tho'.

DC 5:25
Thats good, you seem happier now that you're working

Me 5:27
Yeah. I think mainly its cuzza the good vibes there & it gets me outta this house.

DC 5:29
Right

Me 5:30
Ben seems really happy I'm back. I don't think she likes being alone with them, either, especially since she spent a lot of the day just with the mother figure.

DC 5:31
That does suck

Me
*nods* dad took Ghostie in for an oil change while I was at work. Poor puppers.

DC 5:32
Yep

Me 5:33
I don't believe how drained I am :-(

Me 5:37
I'm gonna hop into the shower in a few to cool off. How long til yer busy with dinner & stuff?

DC 5:38
I bet so. I know its going to take some getting use to

Maybe an hour or so

Me 5:39
Ok. And I'm just about the youngest cashier. I feel like such a wuss ;-)

DC 5:40
Well atleast you can't complain about being old now ;-)

Me 5:41
:: snickerage :: nope.

DC
You sound like you need a nappid doo

Me
I'm gonna go rinse. I'll be back in about 10mins, hun. Buh bye for a bit.

DC 5:42
Ok, bye

Me
Maybe ... First a rinsie-doo and then see. Yer prolly right ;-)

DC
Ok

Me 5:50
I'm back. Yeah, I'd luva nappie-doo, but I'd rather chat with you. I don't feel like I get to do that enough. I'd really like to talk soon, too. I miss you.

DC 5:51
I miss you too

Me
My feet *really* hurt now. Sheesh! Wussup wi' dat? ;-)

DC 5:53
You've been on them all day

Me
:: snickerage :: I know. But why do they hurt more *now* than before the shower? That just seems weird.

DC 5:54
I know

Me 5:55
Didja get yer bed, yet?

DC
Nope

Me 5:56
Ok. Hope that couch is *waaaaay* comfy ...

DC 5:57
It is

Me
Good :-)

DC 5:58
Yeah, they just text me and said that they want to go into DC tonight

Me 5:59
:: snickerage :: so, uh ... drinkin'?

Me 6:00
I hope so. That will help my pain

Me 6:01
*nods* ... Hey, maybe you could getta gig at the palace of wonders or whatever. That sounds like it could be fun :-)

DC 6:02
It's way small. Like a 99 compassity

Me 6:03
Oh. Well that doesn't sound like much of a "palace" ...

DC
Not really

Me 6:04
I am so sorry, baby. I gotta snoozle :-(

DC 6:05
Ok hun. Text me when you wake up and I will let you know whats going on

Me 6:06
Ok, thx. Buhbyezzzz for now.

DC
Bye hun

--- --- --- ---

Me 6:54p
:: yawn :: I was tired ... Whatcha up to, hun?

DC
Getting ready to get in the shower

Me 6:55
Okey dokes. Enjoy :-)

DC 6:56
Yep

Me
Buhbyez again, I guess.

DC 6:57
Yeah, I'll text you in a bit

Me
Ok. :-*

DC 6:58
Bye 4 now hun

--- --- --- ---

DC 8:27p
Hey hun, what are you up to?

Me
Hiya, baby. Just cleaning out my text inbox. You?

DC 8:28
On the way to dinner. Looks like we are going to DC for that too

Me 8:30
:: snickerage :: okey dokes, hun. Hope its a good evening for you. The weather's pretty nasty here. Yest another thunderstorm just started.

Me 8:31
Oh, it occurred to me. Earlier you said I seem happier now that I'm working. Yes, that's true. However, I'm also a *lot* happier since last Friday's event.

DC
I wish it was here

Me 8:32
How come? Its actually making it more humid. We're well over 80% now, and have been since early afternoon. Ick.

DC
Well thats good too

Me
*nods* :-D !!

DC 8:33
I'm just happier when its raining

Me
Gotcha :-)

DC 8:35
I just hope you still want me when we are able to be together again

Me 8:36
Um, where did that come from? I'm hoping *you* still want *me* when we can get back together, hun.

DC 8:37
Well I do

Me 8:38
Ok. I just wanted to make sure I didn't do something to lead you to believe I might not, cuz that's not the case.

DC
Ok

Me 8:39
Any notion as to what/where's for dinner?

DC
Nope

Me 8:40
:: snickerage :: at least there are a lotta options. Maybe yer favorite "big shots" bar with the pulled pork burger ...

DC 8:41
Thats not in DC

Me
Oh. Got confused, sorry.

DC
Its cool

Me 8:42
Ok.

DC 8:44
I just hope we get there soon. I'm hungry

Me
Then I hope you do, too.

DC 8:46
We are getting pretty close to DC now. I just have no idea where we are going

Me
Well that's good, then, huh?

DC 8:47
Maybe

Me 8:48
Um, ok?

DC 8:49
Sorry hun, my head hurts cause I'm hungry

Me
I'm sorry to hear that, sweetie. That's not a good feeling.

DC 8:50
No it's not

Me 8:51
Maybe these folks need a refresher on the proper care & feeding of a Phoenix ;-)

DC 8:52
I think they do, LOL

Me
:: snickerage ::

DC 8:54
So what are you doing tonight?

Me
Tada! I'm finally all caught up with the inbox. Oops, there's a message from you. That caught-up thing is over now ;-)

Me 8:55
Nothin' much. Relaxing, de-ouching. My muscles really tightened up from the nappie-doo :-(.

DC 8:56
Sorry hun

Me
Thx. I'm gonna try this new med ... Its called flexy-rill, I think ;-)

DC 8:57
LOL

Me
:-D ... Already tried the tramp-it-all. It helped, but not as much as I would've liked.

DC 8:58
Sorry

Me 8:59
I'd :: shrug ::, but that's too ouchie. Thank you, tho'.

DC
I wish I could help

Me 9:00
Thx, me. Help you, too.

DC
Huh?

Me 9:01
I wish you could help me, and I wish I could help you.

DC 9:03
Ok, it looks like we are about to pull up to the resturant

Me 9:04
Ok. Enjoy, baby. Ttyl?

DC 9:06
I will text you when dinner is over. I guess we are going to the club when we leave here

Me
Ok. That's a shocker ;-) buh bye for now, hun.

DC 9:07
Bye baby

--- --- --- ---

DC 10:05p
Hey hun, how are you doing?

Me 10:07
Hiya. Trying to get Ben to calm down. She's up to 8 benadryl and she's still a basketcase cuzza the storms. How was dinner?

DC 10:08
Pretty good, on the way to the club now. Pet ben for me

Me 10:09
Ok, will do. Which Club?

DC 10:10
The palace of wonders

Me
:: snickerage :: you folks seem to like it there ;-)

DC 10:12
Its a nice place for a small clua

Me
Coolness.

DC 10:13
What time are you going sleepies?

Me 10:16
Prolly w/i an hour *if* I can get Ben to calm down. We're supposed to have bad storms til 6a :-(

DC 10:18
Well get her on the bed with you so you can cuddle with her

Me 10:19
I've been snugging up to her on the couch almost non-stop since last time we texted :-(

DC 10:20
Wow, I'v never known of her being that bad

Me 10:21
Me either. This is new, for the last few storms. I have no idea what's going on or why.

DC 10:22
I wish I could help

Me 10:23
Thx, me, too. Where'DC y'all end up for dinner?

DC 10:24
Hard rock

Me
Cool. I used to like those. Then I got too poor to go.

DC 10:25
Yeah.

Me
Didja have a burger? :-) If I recall correctly, there's were pretty good.

DC 10:26
We will be there in a few mins hun

Me
Ok, baby.

DC
Yeah I did

Me 10:27
Good. Hope you enjoyed it. I also hope you have fun at the PoW tonight.

DC 10:28
Me too, I need it, LOL

Me 10:29
:: snickerage :: so I guess g'night, huh?

DC 10:30
Yeah hun. If you wake up later text me, ok?

Me 10:31
Ok. Sorry I'm so jealous of the life you have. I'm working on it. I know its hard to tell sometimes. Ok, most times ;-). Buh bye for now.

DC 10:32
Bye baby

6.18.2009

2009-06-19T05:35:00.002-04:00

DC 12:34a
Hey hun, you still up?

Me
Yup. You? ;-)

DC 12:36
Kinda, I just took some meds and slammed a beer. Maybe they will start helping soon

Me
Ok. I'm just curious why you're not texting me as much when you're in the car.

DC 12:39
I was trying to lay out to try not to hurt so bad baby

Me 12:40
Gotcha. Thx for explaining. It just seems like its getting to be a recent pattern. Could be coincidence, but if I'm doing something icky, I'd rather know.

Me 12:44
This is weird. I'm just sitting in the bedroom, and my phone has to keep "searching for network". Sorry if I miss your messages or you miss mine.

DC
No baby, its not you at all. I'm just hurting so bad

Me
I'd rather you didn't hurt, either :-(

DC 12:45
I'm getting them so far

Me
Ok. That's good news.

DC 12:46
Well hopefully the meds + booze will either help the pain or knock me out

Me 12:47
Or both & soon :-D

DC 12:50
Yeah, my joints are on fire and my body aches

Me
That doesn't sound good. Well, depending on one's definition of "joints on fire", I suppose.

DC 12:51
Well I know fire and this sucks

Me 12:52
Guess the joke was too vague. Sorry. And yes, I'm sure it does.

DC 12:53
I hope its the weather making it so bad

Me
Me, too.

DC 12:55
Man, I think the meds kick in faster with booze, I feel fuzzy and kinda stupid

Me 12:56
*nods* they do. I won't bother explaining why that is just now ;-)

Me 12:57
Which ones did you take tonight?

DC
Thats fine, I wouldn't understand anyway right now

Me 12:58
Zackly.

DC
Same as last night

Me 12:59
I dunno what you actually took last night, hun.

Me 1:00
The atarax & dox like we'd discussed? With a beer?

DC
The dox and atarax

Me 1:01
:: snickerage :: okey dokes, hunnie.

DC 1:02
I just stood up and came right back down

Me
Uh oh ... Hopefully you aren't hurt but won't know it til tomorrow ;-)

DC 1:03
I fell on my butt

Me 1:04
The atarax is like a fraction of the dox, but when you take 'em together & add alcohol, some kinda magicness seems to happen.

That'd be the butt you keep saying you don't have?

DC
Yeah it does

DC 1:05
Yep

Me
I've heard ;-), anywayz. From you ... :: snickerage :: I most certainly would *not* know that from personal experience.

DC 1:06
I'm sure not, ;-)

Me 1:07
:-D ... I'm a good girl who only does what she's told, don't ya know ...

DC 1:08
... :-/??? Really now

Me 1:09
What? You must not be all that messed up, yet, if you didn't buy that line ;-)

DC 1:14
No, I am. I just know better

Me 1:15
LOL! Ok, maybe ya might.

Me 1:16
The stretching is going well for me. For some reason my low abs are *really* tight, tho'! I had no idea they were so I dunno why :-(

DC
Yeah, I know I'm getting there cause I just dropped my phone while texting

Me 1:17
LOL! Ooopthieth! Or maybe you're like me & get the dropsies a couple days before your period starts?

DC
Well thats good, shows you've been using them

Me 1:18
I guess. I'd like to know *how* ... Its the ones below the belly button.

DC 1:20
Ok, that is kinda wierd

Me
Hey! Today's Thursday!! the PUs will be leaving in one week!! :-D :-D :-D

:: snickerage :: yup.

DC 1:20
I think my idea may be the right one this time, LOL

Me
Could be. You're online?

DC 1:21
Cool

Me
Didja get the funny vids I sent to your Y!Mail? I never heard back, so I'm just curious.

DC
For a min, just checking my mail before sleepies

Me 1:22
Okey dokes.

DC
What vids?

Me
I slept for over 5hrs last night and had two 1-2 hour nappie-doos. I'm kinda awake :-(

Me 1:23
The Evil Ka & Trojan commercials.

DC
Sorry baby

Me 1:24
:: shrug :: it happens. I'll sleep when I'm tired, I guess. Hopefully that won't happen at work :: crossing paws ::

DC
Yeah I got them

Me
Are you still on Y!M just invisible? I can send 'em there really quick.

DC 1:25
Yeah

Me
Ok. What didja think?

Don't need to if you got them, I'm guessing.

DC
They were good

DC 1:26
Nope

Me
Ok. If you sent that, I don't remember getting it. Its nice to know, ya know what I mean?

Now if only I could get my arms & shoulders to loosen up :-(

DC 1:27
Yeah, sorry hun

Me
Thank you.

DC
I know what you mean there

Me 1:28
That's one thing strict bondage was good for ... Get limber or die ;-)

DC
Right

Me 1:30
So what was Sam's uncle's restaurant like?

DC 1:31
Really nice. Very upscale

Me 1:32
Cool :-D ... Italian food? American? Just curious.

DC 1:33
A bit of everything

Me
Gotcha. So hopefully you enjoyed it?

DC 1:34
Well baby I'm falling to sleep on you, I need to pass out

DC 1:35
Yeah, it was nice

Me
Okey dokes, hun. Happy seepie-byes. Ttyt?

DC
Yeah baby

Me 1:36
Ok :-) ... Buhbyezzzzz

DC 1:37
Night baby, bye

--- --- --- ---

Me 10:51a
G'mornin', hun. I'm guessing you're still seepin'. Hope you have a good, healing rest & a happy, productive day. My break is around 1:30 & I'll text ya then.

Me 1:31p
Break-time! How's yer day, hunnie?

DC 1:32
I banged my knee on the coffee table

Me 1:33
Owie! :-(

DC 1:34
Yeah, I'm kinda laid up on the couch

Me 1:35
Sorry, baby.

DC
Its ok, maybe I will be ok

Me 1:36
:: crossing paws :: for ya.

DC
Thanks

Me 1:37
Yer welcome. I'm on the express lane again. Thank goodness its a *lot* slower today. Whew!

DC
I just hope its not as bad as before

Thats good

Me
Big-time. Guess its the same knee, huh?

DC 1:38
Nope

Me
Hunnie? Please stop hurting yourself, ok?

DC 1:39
Its not like I did it on purpose

Me 1:40
I know, baby. I just want you to not hurt.

DC 1:41
Lol, me too

Me 1:42
I'll bet :-D

DC
Yep

Me 1:43
Just gottanother couple minutes. :: sigh :: hope your knee feels better quickish.

Me 1:45
That's it, break's over. I'm done at 4:30 & will try to catch you then. Buhbyez, sweetie.

DC
Me too, I hopped to the kitchen and made an ice pack earlier

DC 1:46
Bye hun

--- --- --- ---

Me 4:38p
Done w/ work. How're you doin' hun?

DC 4:39
Still in pain

Me
:-( ...

DC 4:40
I know hun. I didn't mean to hurt myself again

Me
I know, baby.

DC 4:42
How are you feeling?

Me 4:43
Pretty burnt out. Gotta mad rush starting about an hour after break & pissed folks who couldn't tell my light was off. Oh, well.

Me 4:44
Next week's schedule ...

DC 4:45
If they won't look then they deserve to be pissed, LOL

Me 4:46
:: snickerage :: kinda my thoughts, too ;-)

DC 4:47
What are you doing today?

Me
Hopping into the car now for the l*o*n*g half-mile commute back to the house ;-)

Nothin' other than the usual.

DC 4:48
I ment for the rest of the day

Me
Yeah. Just hiding in my room, dinking on the PC.

DC
Nappie doo coming soon?

Me 4:49
After snackie-doo, prolly :: snickerage ::

DC
LOL

Me 4:50
The eggie-weggies feel purty long-gone, ya know?

DC 4:51
Yeah, I know you haven't eaten at work

Me 4:52
Nope. I'm not even supposed to drink at the register. But I do ;-)

DC 4:53
Don't get into trouble

Me 4:54
Nope. The boss told me how to do it so the cameras don't see it ;-)

Me 4:58
Think I'm gonna hop in the shower real quick for a cooldown/rinse. I'll be back in about 10mins, hun. Buh bye for now.

DC 4:59
Ok hun

DC 5:00
Bye 4 now

Me 5:05
I'm back. I feel soooo much better!

DC 5:06
Good

Me 5:07
:-D ... Ahhhhhh ... Did a lotta stretching at work when I was guest-less & trapped at the register. The really cool thing is its helping my shoulders big-time!

DC 5:08
Good. I hope it keeps helping

Me 5:09
dittage. Wish it was somethin' that easy that could help you, too.

DC 5:13
Me too. I will have booze later to dull the pain, LOL

Me 5:14
:: snickerage :: sounds like a plan. So, uh, you'll be waking up tomorrow just before I'm done at work? ;-)

DC 5:15
No, I was pretty messed up last night

Me
Seemed like it. But in a good way, right?

Me 5:16
Well, other than the ouchies, I mean.

DC
Yeah, a few drinks and meds

DC 5:17
Yeah

Me 5:21
Gotta question for ya, something that never really made sense to me ... If yer a sensual Dom, why not bring it into the relationship? My understanding is that its all pleasure and consensual. I get not bringing in the pain stuff cuzza yer family history.

DC 5:22
Maybe when I make myself go to the restroom I will take more meds

Me
Sounds like a plan, baby.

DC
Maybe we can work on that

DC 5:23
Yeah

Me
Ok, I'd like that, hun. That's where I originally started, actually, then got side-tracked to try & work out my issues. Unsuccessfully, obviously.

DC 5:26
Yeah. Damn, I had to say something about the restroom didn't I. Be back as soon as I can

Me
I just still feel like we've never made love. We've had sex (I'm not complaining!), but not the deeply connecting stuff I want to enjoy with you. Seriously, I have *no* idea what you like :-(, and after all this time, I'm really bothered by that, like I never measured up or paid attention or something.

LOL! G'luck with that ... As the saying goes, "I hope everything comes out alright" ;-)

DC 5:27
Don't think that way hun

Yeah, me too

Me 5:29
I'm trying not to, believe me. Its just sooo difficult. See, I gotta build a new sexual fantasy life cuz the old standbys ain't workin'. But when I imagine us, all I got is kissing & fucking on my part. Seems kinda sad that that's all I remember doing, is all.

DC 5:30
Yeah

Me 5:33
Kinda like, well, if my whole goal is to keep you happy, I should've done more. I thought even -I- was more creative than *that*. I dunno. Gotta lot on my mind.

DC 5:36
Everythings ok hun. Lets just focus on getting back together

Me
Ok. It all just hurts so bad sometimes. Sorry.

DC 5:37
I know, me too

Me
I just don't wanna be a failure again. You're too important to me.

DC 5:38
You're not a failure at all

Me 5:39
:: shrug :: ok. Thank you. I'll try to do a better job remembering that.

DC 5:40
Ok, while I'm in the restroom I'm going to go ahead and take a shower

Me 5:41
Ok, hun. Hope yours is as helpful as mine was. Made a *huge* difference!

DC 5:42
Well I have to do mine on one leg

Me 5:43
That's true. I swear I'm gonna get you a shower seat for Solstice or something ;-)

DC 5:44
LOL

Me 5:45
Anywayz, I guess that all means. Buh bye for now, huh? the PUs wanna take me out to dinner. I'll text you when we're done?

DC 5:47
Ok hun, I think we are too so I will let you know whats going on when you text

Me 5:48
Ok, baby. Buhbyez. :-*

DC
Bye 4 now

--- --- --- ---

Me 8:18p
Back from dinner. Ben's fed. I gotta try to go seepie-byes early tonight cuz I gotta start work at 8:30a :-(

Me 8:20
Oh, yeah ... Got Armageddon on yer phone?

DC
Ok hun, well we are still out. I will text you when we get home

Me 8:21
Okey dokes. Any ideas when that may be?

DC
No, please send it to me

Maybe an hour

Me 8:23
Ok. Had to send Armageddon to yer Y!Mail, and you should be able to save it to your phone from there. Buh bye for now, hun.

DC 8:27
Ty baby, ttyl

--- --- --- ---

Me 9:27p
Hey, hunnie. I'm going seepie-byes cuz gotta get up way too early tomorrow, and stayed up way too late last night. Sorry. Hope your evening helps. Luv ya :-)

DC
Hey hun, how are you?

Me 9:28
:: snickerage :: hi. Falling asleep already. Eeep!

DC
Wow, are you ok baby?

Me 9:29
Just exhausted. Can barely keep my eyes open. Think its cuz my sleep's been all messed up cuz I got so much going on emotionally, if that makes any sense.

DC 9:31
It does. I'm about half drunk and doped up over my knee

Me 9:32
:: snickerage :: enjoy, baby ;-) ... Plus I already took my seepie meds.

DC 9:33
Wow. I hope you feel betteq hun

Me
Thx. I would if I was starting work at a decent hour tomorrow ;-)

DC 9:34
Yeah

Me
Oh, and I found a "boob massage" on-line today. Felt fantastic! Very relaxing. And, uh, my chest "grew" a half-inch in 20mins, which I thought you'd like ;-)

DC 9:36
Wow, I didn't know that could happen

Me 9:38
Me, either. Supposedly its like yer boy part ... All the blood flows into the area, except its healing energy. And I couldn't do the chakra work cuz my partner is supposed to do this & channel "loving, healing energy." So maybe someday you'd like to try it & see what happens then ;-)

DC 9:40
Sure. Combichrist is coming here soon. So I guess we are going

Me 9:41
Coolness. Gonna warn Andy so he'll recognize you quicker and better impress yer buds? ;-)

DC 9:43
Nope, its going to be a surprise

Me
Okey dokes.

DC 9:44
Well hun I hope you sleep well

Me 9:45
Thank you. Don't think that's gonna be an issue ;-) ... Hope you sleep well, too. Buhbyezzzzzz baby.

DC 9:46
Bye baby

6.17.2009

2009-06-18T00:42:00.001-04:00

Me 10:24a
What size bed ya getting?

DC 12:39
Hey hun, how are you today?

Me
Ok. Wussup wich you? ;-)

DC 12:42
Sore and feeling kinda sick to my stomach

Me 12:43
:: snickerage :: on the first, :-( on the second.

DC 12:44
Yeah, I'm going to take it easy today and try to feel better

Me 12:46
Good plan, baby. It seems like the more you do physically, the more likely yer tum will act up and/or the ickier it'll be. Whaddaythink?

DC
I agree

Me 12:47
Hurrumph. Sorry, hun. Also sorry cuz I was about to hop in the shower & my nakie-ness is kinda chillie. Mind if I get back with you when I'm out & dressed?

DC 12:48
Sure hun

Me
Thx, baby. Should be 30mins +/-. Buhbyez fer a bit.

DC 12:52
Bye

Me 1:14
Thx, hunnie. I'm clean & dressed.

DC 1:15
Ok

Me
So, uh, what size bed ya gonna get?

DC 1:17
Not sure yet, why?

Me
Um, its a surprise fer yer next care package :-)

DC 1:18
What hun?

Me 1:19
If I say, then it won't be a soopwize no mo' ...

DC
Ok

Me 1:20
Just an FYI ... Full size would be best for the soopwize. I'll make it work if its a different size, it just might take longer.

DC 1:21
Ok

Me 1:22
Anything else going on? Ben's likin' the rainy, cooler weather.

DC 1:23
Not really, it is rainy and cooler here too

Me 1:24
Of course not ... Silly me. Mr. & Mrs. Spontaneity aren't home, yet, huh? :: snickerage ::

DC 1:25
Right, sence I'm not feeling well right now I'm still laying in bed

Me
:-( ... That, too.

DC 1:27
Yeah, I'm trying to convince myself to eat something

Me 1:28
*nods* I hear ya. Hard to know ahead of time if its a good idea, and by the time ya know it was a bad one, its way too late.

DC 1:29
Yep, I'm hungry but scared of it

Me
Sorry, baby.

Maybe you could try water first & see how that goes?

DC 1:30
Thanks. I wish I had an easy answer on this one

Me
I know, me, too. I wish I could help.

DC 1:31
I was thinking about that

Me
Me too

Me 1:32
*nods* the usual recommendation is to try water, crackers, rice, etc. Um, yeah. Yummy fullness. Plweah ;-)

DC
Right

Me 1:33
Darnit, now I'm hungry ...

DC
LOL

Me 1:34
Yeah, I'm on Jillian Michaels eMail list. I doubt the Lucky Charms & Dr. Pepper combo is on her list of Biggest Loser friendly breakfasts ;-)

DC 1:35
Yeah, not so much, LOL

Me 1:36
:: snickerage :: well, that's what I had. Again.

DC
Well atleast you liked it

Me 1:37
Yup. :-D

DC 1:39
I'm going to be brave and eat something. Ttyl?

Me 1:40
Ok, hun. G'luck! I'm seeing Michelle this afternoon, so I'll respond if/when I can when you chime in. Buh bye for now, baby.

DC 1:41
You're seeing who?

Me 1:42
Michelle, my LifeCoach, substitute mom? I thought I'd mentioned her the other day :-(

DC 1:43
You did but I didn't know her by name

Me 1:44
Ah, gotcha. Yeah, I'm meeting her at 3:30, but its an hour drive from this house. :: sigh ::

DC
Damn

Me 1:45
Yeah. Gotta pass my old house to get there.

DC
That sucks

Me
Yep.

DC 1:46
Ok then. Why don't you text me when you get done, ok?

Me 1:47
Ok. I was just concerned that it'd by "get ready for dinner" time.

DC 1:48
I will still talk for a few, ok?

Me 1:49
Ok, thank you :-) ... I'll text when I'm done seeing Michelle.

DC
Ok

Me 1:50
*now* buhbyez, baby ;-)

DC
Bye hun

--- --- --- ---

Me 5:11p
We be done. I'm on the road. How's yer day? Feeling better? :: crossing paws ::

DC 5:29
A little, the food helped

Me
Good!

DC 5:32
Yeah, I'm getting hungry again so dinner should help more

Me 5:33
:-) whew. Better good, imo. Wish I could whip up some pancakes or an egg sammie for ya. Sorry.

DC 5:34
It's ok. I just need rest and time to get better

Me
*nods* ok, hunnie. Please take care of you.

DC 5:35
I'm trying to

Me 5:36
I know. And it sounds like yer doing ok. Just not as awesome as you'd like ;-)

DC 5:37
Yeah, maybe things will get better

Me 5:38
I hope so. I want you to do well, feel good, be successful, and enjoy being happy.

DC 5:40
I'm trying hun, it would be easier if we were together

Me 5:41
I know, hunnie, on both counts.

DC
Ok

Me 5:42
And for both of us.

DC
Yep

Me 5:44
I'm trying to figure out what I want for dinner.

Me 5:47
Everything that sounds good is too far out of the way or too expensive. Usually both ;-)

DC 5:48
I know what you mean

Me 5:49
But I can't think of anything I want at the house, either. :: sigh ::

Me 5:51
My tastes seem to have changed, too, out of all this. And my allergies don't seem to be quite as bad. For now ;-)

DC 5:55
Well thats good hun

Me 5:56
*nods* I certainly think so. I'm not sayin' I'm gonna go have a blackened cheeseburger er nuthin', but I definitely smell an improvement.

DC 5:57
Thats great baby

Me
:-D

DC 5:59
I hope things keep getting better for you

Me
Someone used a lavender hand lotion at the store yesterday <10 feet from me. I actually know what it smells like now! I don't like it, but I didn't pass out.

Me 6:00
Me, too. I hope they improve for you, too, baby.

DC
Great

Me 6:06
I hope you realise how special & important you are to me, hun.

DC 6:14
I do hun, its just hard sometimes cause I think less of myself

Me 6:15
I'm sorry to hear that, hun. How can I help you, baby?

DC 6:16
This is one of those things that I'm going to have to work on

Me 6:19
Ok, hun. I wanna be there for you, too. I know I haven't been good at it, but I'd like to be. I hope someday you'll trust me enough to give me another chance.

DC 6:23
I will, but these are things I have to work on

Me 6:24
Ok, baby. I understand. Big-time! I gotta lotta those myself ;-)

DC 6:25
Yeah, I just hope I can do it

Me 6:26
I have faith in you :-)

DC
I'm glad you do

Me 6:28
Me, too, baby. If what you're dealing with is anything like mine, its gonna be hard. You're a very strong, wonderful person, and I'm sure you'll figure it out.

DC 6:29
I hope so, its kinda scary

Me 6:30
I know, sweetie.

DC 6:33
Well baby I need to get ready to go. I was just told to dress nice tonight but not why. So I need to shower, shave, and get dressed. They are so wierd sometimes, LOL

Me
Okey dokes. Have fun!

DC 6:34
We shall see

Me
:: crossing paws :: for ya. Buh bye for now, baby.

DC 6:35
Ty hun, bye baby

--- --- --- ---

My thoughts
I'm having a really tough time not thinking his life is better without me. He's going out more, having more fun, doing more, sounds happier, etc. They can "provide for him" more than I ever could or will. They've done more for his emotional growth in the past month or so than I did in a year and a half.

Its just really hard for me to think he really needs or wants me, cuz it'll just be bad again when I'm around.

--- --- --- ---

DC 10:16p
Hey hun, just letting you know that its going to be late getting back to the house tonight. We are in Baltimore, they wanted to take me to his uncles resturant. We are staying here for another hour or so

Me 10:47
Ok.

DC
How are you feeling hun?

Me 10:50
Toasty ;-) ... Took too long of a nappie-doo and had pulled the covers over my head.

DC 10:51
Oh god, you were toasty

Me 10:52
*nods* so now I've gotta headache & might be a widdle cwanky, which is why I didn't respond right away.

DC 10:53
Ok, how late will you be up?

Me 10:54
Probably quite a long time. No set seepie-byes time.

DC 10:56
Ok, I will text you when we get back to the house. I will need more meds, I hurt everywhere

Me 10:57
Ok, hun. Sorry you hurt everywhere. Hope it doesn't hinder your enjoyment of the evening's events.

DC 10:59
Well I'm having a few drinks and that seems to be helping a very little bit

Me 11:00
:: snickerage :: good for you, baby.

DC 11:01
Hell why not, its all free, LOL

Me
LOL! Yepperoonies :-D

DC 11:02
Ok hun, I'll ttyl

Me
Okey dokes. Buhbyez.

DC 11:03
Bye 4 now

6.16.2009

2009-06-16T23:59:00.001-04:00

DC 11:57p (6.15)
Hey hun, how are you?

Me 12:01a (6.16)
Ok, I guess. What all did you folks decide?

DC 12:05
Getting a coffee table, some christmas type of lights to hang up, and a few other things like that

Me 12:06
And a bed?

DC 12:10
Well yeah, LOL

Me 12:13
Ok.

DC 12:14
How are you feeling hun?

Me 12:17
Abandoned.

DC 12:20
I'm sorry hun. I didn't mean to make you feel that way. I promise things are almost straightened out

Me 12:21
:: shrug :: ok. thx.

DC
I hope you have a good day at work tomorrow

Me 12:23
Its senior discount day, their busiest weekday. Almost as many customers as a weekend day, but smaller orders for "higher-maintenance" customers.

DC 12:24
Please try to understand that I'm not avoiding you, I'm just trying to get my life right

Me
Ok. I'm sorry your life wasn't right with me.

DC 12:25
Good luck with that, I know that will be a challenge

Me 12:26
Yep. But that's the day they specifically hired me for, so I'll almost always work Tuesdays.

DC 12:27
Thats not what I'm saying at all hun. It's like what you have been doing for you, you know?

Me
Please understand that I'm trying very hard, too. And it doesn't seem to be getting me anywhere with *you*.

DC 12:28
Lol, atleast that is a type of job security, ;-)

Me
How is it like what I'm doing for me? I still feel like a total outsider.

*nods* yep on job security.

DC 12:32
You are doing self improvment and me being in a new place I'm trying to find my place and get "me" better

DC 12:33
So are things getting any better for you at the house?

Me 12:34
Ok, I guess it makes sense. It just feels like I make you more of a part of my life than you do, like you're still keeping yourself private or on a need-to-know basis, and I don't need to know. Its kinda discouraging sometimes.

Me 12:35
Some.

DC 12:37
I'm still feeling like I'm on a need to know type of thing. This move has been really hard on me

DC 12:39
I'm glad things are getting some better for you.

Me 12:41
How're you on a need to know basis? And why does that effect me? Sure, you don't know what you're doing tomorrow night. But you know what you're doing right now, what you had for dinner, how you're feeling, what the apartment is like, etc. Also, you keep saying its been hard on you, its been weird, etc., but when I ask how, you don't explain.

Thank you.

DC 12:42
Cause the reason hurts me and is kinda scarey for me

DC 12:44
I am having to do this without you. It really scares me to do this without you here

Me 12:45
Well I'm sad to hear that you feel you can't talk to me about it. I wish you didn't have to shut me out that way.

Do what? The move? Job hunting? Be with your friends? I'm lost :-(

DC 12:47
Its not that I'm trying to shut you out, I'm just not sure of things myself yet

Me 12:48
Sure about what things?

DC 12:50
My last big move was to be with you, now I'm doing it without you with me. It just really hurts, you know?

DC 12:53
I just hope things get better for both of us soon

Me
Ok. Maybe you'd feel a bit better, cared about, & supported if you opened up to let me help you. A big part of my insecurity is that I only hear the good about Sam & Nora, not the "eeep" and "oh no" or "what if", so I feel like you're better off without me cuz I dunno that part of you.

Me 12:54
Me, too. I really wish I know how to speed this seemingly mythical "getting better" thing up. :-(

DC 12:55
No baby, I just don't want you to worry about me. You have enough on you as it is

Me 12:56
Its like this, I guess. A relationship is give & take. If you won't let me give, then all I can do is take. Sooner or later that's gonna build resentment.

DC 12:57
I know what you mean. I wish I could too

Me 12:58
Hun, I've said this several times. I'm gonna worry about you cuz I love you. The more I *know* its not me that's keeping you away, the easier it is for me to deal with it. How would you feel if I never told you what happened Friday night, and all you heard was the mood swings & sudden happiness?

DC 12:59
No hun. Right now you need me to be there for you. I am ok so far, I need you to be ok

DC 1:02
Ok, I see your point and I'm sorry. I will try to keep you better informed hun

Me
Yes, I need you to be there for me. But its easier for me to let you be there for me when I can be there for you. If I'm not, then I feel like a needy, selfish child that's bothering you all the time. I'm *happy* to be there for you & I wanna be. Yeah, I'll screw up sometimes. But I'll *never* get it right if I don't get to practice ;-)

DC 1:03
True

Me 1:05
Thank you, baby. Hopefully I won't hafta bring it up again. You're so concerned about me that you seem to forget that I'm concerned about you the same way ;-)

DC 1:08
I know, I just want you to know that I'm here for you. I hope you know that

Me 1:11
I thought it was quite obvious :-(. I asked for your help Friday (and only you), you did it perfectly & right away, and I thanked you. How can I be more clear?

DC 1:15
I'm sorry, it is clear. I'm just really concerned about making sure you're ok

Me
In fact, I specifically said that a big part of why I can do this right now is because I know you're there for me. How much more of a clue by four is there? ;-)

DC 1:17
Ok woman, I get it, lol. Sorry for being stupid

Me
Thank you, hunnie. If you're insecure about it, how can I help you? I mean, it seems as though that concern has been answered, but your concern is still there, so maybe I'm not answering the right question or addressing the right issue?

Me 1:18
LOL! I was writing that when you were writing that you got it ;-)

DC 1:19
No you are, its just me. I worry alot about you is all

Me 1:20
And no, I don't think you're stupid. If I can't beat myself up then neither can you ;-P ... Just that your well-intentioned caring is kinda misguided ;-)

Me 1:22
I know you worry about me, hunnie. And now I can finally see it as the loving act that it is :: sniffy smile ::

Me 1:27
Still there?

DC
I'm trying to make myself better for you

Yeah hun

Me 1:28
Oh, I know you are, hun! At least you're on the target. Nobody hits the bullseye *every* time, especially when they're trying something new :-D

DC 1:29
I just want to make you happy

Me 1:30
I know, baby. That's all I wanna do for you, too.

DC 1:34
I know, thank you for that

Me 1:35
Yer welcome, hun. Another thing I'd like ta know is why I'm so frickin' hungry all of a sudden!

DC 1:39
Have you been eatting like you should?

Me 1:40
Um, maybe. Not. ;-) ... Just had a couple handfuls of blenheim dried apricots, a king's hawaiian roll, & smartwater.

DC 1:42
You need to take better care of yourself. I hate to but I need to go sleepies

Me 1:44
Ok, hun. Me, too. I gotta be a people-person in less than 10 hours! ;-) ... And I eat when I'm hungry. I just wasn't hungry when I was in the kitchen. Hurrumph.

DC 1:46
Ok, I'll ttyt. Night, luv ya, miss ya

Me
Oopsies ... I'm so tired I can't do math ... Less than 12 hours. Whew! And my guess is it'll be easier to take care of myself when I don't hafta hide, ya know?

DC 1:47
Yeah

Me
Nitey-nite, suhweetie :-* ... dittage on the wuvvage & missage. Buhbyezzzz.

DC
Bye

--- --- --- ---

DC 12:42p
Hey hun, thanks for the med info

Me 12:53
Yer welcome. I'm getting ready for work. How's yer day going?

DC 12:59
Ok I guess, just washing clothes, doing dishes, and getting my stuff unpacked

Me 1:00
:: snickerage :: sounds bizzy. Should keep ya outta trouble til they get home & take you *to* the trouble ;-)

DC 1:06
Take me to the trouble? What pray tell do you think we get into? LOL

Me 1:08
:: snickerage :: um, bars? You can't possibly truthfully tell me you've *never* gotten into trouble at a bar ... ;-)

DC 1:11
Actually no, I haven't

Me 1:12
That's purty darned impressive, hunnie. Congrats! :-D

DC 1:14
Yeah, I try not to do things where I may be drunk and cops can be called, LOL

Me 1:19
;-) Good plan, baby. Driving to work. I'll prolly be on break around 4:30 & will try texting you then. Buh bye for now, hun.

DC
Ok hun, ttyl, bye

Me 1:25
The schedule says my break's at 4p. Hopefully I can catch you :-*

DC 1:26
Ok hun, talk to you then

Me 3:58
I'm on breakie break. Whew! I'm on the express lane today. Gah!!

DC 3:59
Busy?

Me
Yeah. I'm exhausted already ;-)

DC 4:00
Damn, I'm sorry hun

Me
:: snickerage :: its ok. Gotta learn all this sooner or later ;-) ... Thank you, tho.

DC 4:01
Well what are you going to eat on break?

Me 4:02
Not. Smokies. Its only a 15min jobbie-doo.

DC 4:04
Ok, we are working out before dinner tonight. I'm going to be eating pretty soon. I need energy for the work out

Me 4:05
Makes sense, depending yer goal.

DC 4:06
Just to get stronger, I'm little, LOL

Me 4:07
:: snickerage :: then, yeah, my understanding is that eating first (dead things 2-3 hrs before then breads, fruits immediately prior) help that.

DC
Yeah

Me 4:08
And last time you tried, you could pick me up, and that was before all this moving ;-)

DC 4:09
LOL

Me
:: snickerage :: just a couple mins left :-(

DC 4:10
Sorry hun

Me
:: shrug :: thx. Thank goodness I'm done at 7p. Foodage then :-)

Me 4:11
Buh bye for now, baby. :-*

DC 4:12
Ok hun, bye

Me 7:04
Hiya, hun. Yer prolly busy now, huh? I'm done with work. Text me when ya can?

DC 7:05
Ok hun, yep we are working out now

Me
Enjoy!

DC 7:06
I will try to, LOL

Me 7:07
:: snickerage :: ok, baby.

--- --- --- ---

DC 8:23p
Hey baby, we are taking a little break. What are you up to?

Me 8:24
Just cooked dinner. Seems like yer working out a *long* time. Wowza!

DC 8:25
Yeah, I'm having to be the trainer, LOL

Me
:: snickerage :: gotcha.

DC 8:26
It feels good to work out again

Me
:-D glad to hear it, hunnie.

DC 8:27
Yeah, its going to suck tomorrow though, LOL

Me 8:28
:: snickerage :: usually does. Maybe you've done enough of the moving stuff that your muscles won't freak out ... nah ;-)

DC 8:29
Not with me weight training today, LOL

Me 8:30
*nods* zackly. What used to *really* help me was to take a motrin or aleve before seepies. That seemed to keep the lactic acid from locking into the muscles.

DC 8:31
Oh trust me, I will be tonight

Me 8:32
Sounds like a plan.

DC 8:33
Yep, I know I'm going to be sore, LOL

Me 8:34
:: shrug :: which means you know its just part of the process.

DC
Yep

Me 8:35
How much longer do you think the workout will be?

DC 8:36
Maybe 30 mins, then changing clothes and dinner

Me
Okey dokes. My big "workout plan" is to stretch. I'm so lame ;-)

DC 8:37
No, thats really good for you

Me 8:38
*nods* it is. But I'm so outta shape, that that's about all I can reasonably do, unfortunately :-(

DC 8:39
For now maybe

Me
Yup. If I tried strength training, *maybe* I'd get 2-5 reps in with 1# ;-) ... Um, yeah.

DC 8:40
Come on now

Me 8:41
Seriously, hun. When I started working out after 10 years of desk jobs, I did the motions w/o weights!

DC 8:42
Wow

Me 8:43
Yeah. As much progress as I've made emotionally recently, the idea that I'm "worth" getting fit still eludes me :-( ... Gonna work on that for sure.

DC 8:44
Good, you are worth it

Me 8:45
Thank you, hun. Hopefully it won't take too long for me to see it, too. Or be anywhere near as traumatic :: shudder ::

DC 8:46
Yeah

Me
I'm hoping its just another "layer", so to speak, and it'll mostly fall into place once the rest of this is dealt with & settled :: crossing paws ::

DC 8:47
Thats a good way to think

Me 8:48
:-D I think I'm actually getting better at this! Its scary cool, and a bit unnerving at times. Oh, well ;-)

DC 8:49
Yeah, well back to the work out, LOL

Me 8:50
Okey dokes, sweetie. Don't work 'em too hard ... They may not wanna do it again :: snickerage ::

DC 8:51
Oh they will. They told me to be rough, LOL

Me
OMG! Do these people know you at *all*?! :: snickerage :: buh bye for now, baby.

DC 9:00
Bye hun

--- --- --- ---

DC 11:03p
Hey hun, how are you doing?

Me
Ok. You?

DC 11:04
Full, LOL

Me 11:05
:: snickerage :: so din-din was yum?

DC 11:06
Yep, and yes I have already taken some meds

Me 11:07
Okey dokes, hun. Speaking of meds, hope the morning's lists weren't too daunting. They didn't seem like much when they were in a "note" ;-)

DC 11:08
Yeah, that helps me alot, ty

Me 11:09
Whew. Yer welcome. I'm confident you'll lemme know if I missed something ;-)

DC
Yeah I will

Me 11:10
Okey dokes. Got anything else going on tonight?

DC 11:11
Just going to the house and going to bed

Me
Makes sense.

DC 11:13
Yeah, tired and getting a little stiff, LOL

Me
:-) I'd imagine, yeah.

DC 11:14
They say that they want to work out atleast twice a week. This should be good

Me 11:15
Coolness :-D

DC
Lol, if you say so

Me 11:16
Hey, I'm not the one doing it. But I *will* be the one benefitting when we get back together ... So yeah. Coolness!

DC 11:17
LOL

Me 11:21
Oh, so the one "huh?" topic from last night ... I dunno how this revelation & all its tendrils snaking thru my personality will impact my sexuality. Will I be vanilla? Its looking like maybe. Or at least an edgy nilla ;-) ... The pix & soundfiles that totally turned me on last week do *nothing* for me. Also, the trained-to-cum-now seems to be gone, at least for now. Hmmmm. Can't imagine why that didn't make sense in only 160 characters the first time ;-)

DC
So are you feeling better?

DC 11:22
Wierd

Me 11:23
*nods* yeah. Did a lot more thinking & making connections to stuff. And most importantly, imo, figuring out what I *want* now. Like thoughts, behaviors, etc.

*nods* I most certainly thought so! I *liked* cumming right away! Gonna try to figure out how to get that one back ;-)

DC 11:24
Ok, am I still on the list?

Me
:: big grin :: yupperoonies!

DC
Maybe you need me for it

Me
:: snickerage ::

DC 11:25
What combo of meds will be good for sleepies?

Me 11:27
The dox & atarax will both help. They *may* relax yer muskles so much, however, that they won't "build" as much as you hope they will.

DC
I just want to be relaxed

Me 11:29
Both will help, hun. The atarax will a bit, the dox a lot. The atarax is an anti-anxiety & may help your mood be more relaxed all the time if taken regularly.

DC 11:31
Ok, thanks hun

Me 11:32
Yer welcome. Atarax & dox *can* be taken together, btw.

DC 11:33
Cool. That should make tonight fuzzy, LOL

Me 11:34
Oh, yeah! Especially if you also have some alcohol in yer system. Wowza! certainly comes to mind.

DC 11:36
Yeah, I just took them with a beer, LOL

Me
:: snickerage :: enjoy!

DC 11:37
For the little time I'm awake you mean, LOL

Me
:: big grin :: yep.

DC 11:39
You take your meds yet?

Me
Yup. And I'm in bed already.

DC 11:40
Oh ok, LOL

Me 11:41
:-D

DC 11:42
So we are both about ready for sleepies huh?

Me 11:43
*nods* just had to re-open the bedroom door, even tho' dad's sleeping up here, cuz Ben's getting way too toasty.

DC
Even with the window open?

Me 11:44
The air is on tonight. Doesn't make a lotta sense to me to have an open window when the only a/c vent is right under it.

DC 11:45
True

Me 11:46
But it is gonna get to 64 tonight. I suppose I *could* close the vent & door, and open the window. But this way, I won't hear Layla as easily ...

DC 11:47
Yeah, that will help you sleep

Me 11:48
Yeah. She woke me up at least five times last night.

DC 11:49
Damn

Me
Yup. I gave up & just stayed awake at 6:59a. Which could be why I needed a nappie-doo when I got back from work.

Me 11:50
Our kid pulls that shit, and its *your* kid ;-) ... <jk>

DC 11:51
Yeah, makes sence

Yeah right

Me 11:52
LOL! Hey, way back when we started discussing rugrats, you agreed to that. We were still living in Powell then.

DC 11:53
Thats when you didn't want kids, LOL

Me 11:54
Oh, I see how ya are ... :: snickerage ::

DC 11:55
Well I'm afraid that its about that time hun

Me 11:56
Me, too. I'm falling asleep between messages. G'night, baby.

DC 11:58
Night baby

6.15.2009

2009-06-15T23:35:00.001-04:00

Me 11:19a
G'mornin', baby. One thing about Friday's little event that I'm purty sure you'll be happy to hear is that *that* was why I didn't want kids; just like saying I didn't hate you enough to love you, I didn't hate kids enough to bring one into this world. So ... Wanna have a little "us" running around? ;-)

Me 12:45p
Hope you slept soundly & got some good healing in last night and feel world's better today :-). I'm alone at the storage unit, so I'm busy but buggable.

DC 1:02
Hey hun, hows it going?

Me 1:03
Plweah! I need my big strong gorgeous hunnie for this shit! :: snickerage :: how're you?

DC 1:04
Tired and sore

Me 1:05
*nods* I'll bet. I'm hot & sweaty. Ick.

DC
Yeah

Me 1:08
Its very disappointing how much I *still* hafta go thru.

DC 1:09
I bet so, we still have some

Me 1:10
*nods* yeah, but there's 3 of you ... 1, you'd expect more to thru, and 2, there are more of you to do it. Next I gotta fit everything from the trailer in here.

DC 1:11
Damn, that sucks

Me 1:12
Yeah. I'll send you a pic. Look at all the pretty empty space for the bed, couch, & dining set.

DC 1:13
Ok

DC 1:19
Not alot of room

Me
Nope. But I'm gonna hafta make it fit cuz the PUs are taking the trailer to TN & leaving it there.

DC 1:20
Damn

Me 1:21
Yeah. My shoulders are killing me. And I haven't started on the heavy stuff.

DC 1:22
That really sucks hun

Me
*nods* I hate being a wuss. :: sigh ::

DC 1:23
Yeah, but this will help you get stronger

Me 1:24
:: snickerage :: that's the plan. This is the start of my workout regimen, too.

DC 1:25
Good

Me 1:26
My biggest concern is the L shoulder. Feels awfully much like that dreaded "rotator cuff" problem :-( ... I hope I'm wrong, but rest & meds are *not* helping.

DC 1:27
Sorry hun

Me 1:28
Thank you. Yeehah, we got fun all up in here ;-)

DC 1:29
Yep, and I still have shit around here to do

Me
:: snickerage :: I'll bet so!

DC 1:31
And I'm going to have to get to that soon

Me 1:32
Ok, hunnie. You just lemme know when, ok?

DC 1:33
Ok, it needs to be soon

Me
Ok. Wanna just wrap up now?

DC 1:34
Ok, cause you have alot to do too

Me 1:36
I know, hun. Its ok, I totally understand. I'm going thru a lot, but I'm less needy. I think ;-) ...

DC
LOL

Me 1:37
:: snickerage :: luv ya baby. Buhbyez.

DC
Luv you too, bye

--- --- --- ---

Me 4:45p
Everything's in the storage unit. Whew! Hope your day is also successful :-)

DC 4:47
So so, it's been a rough day

Me 4:49
Sorry to hear that, hunnie. Things not going together?

DC 4:50
Not like I hoped

Me 4:51
:-( ... Wish I could help. Everything's *in* the storage unit, but ain't nothin' comin' out unless it *all* does ;-)

DC 4:53
Good, I'm glad your day was succesful

Me
Unfortunately, the dining set now needs a *lot* of repairs. Dunno if it can be saved, at this point. :-(

DC 4:54
Sorry hun

Me
Thank you, hun. Didja get my message around 11am about kidz?

DC 4:55
No

Me
:: shrug :: if something's gone be irreparable, I'd much rather it be the dining set than you, Ben, or our relationship, ya know?

Me
... Re-sent 11:19 message ...

DC
Yeah

DC 4:57
Are you serious?

Me
Obviously not an immediate option, but hey ;-)

Yep!

DC
Ok

Me 4:58
Gettin' all happy-teary (and hot & bothered) just thinkin' about it :-D

DC 4:59
Lol, you would

Me
LOL! Ooopthiethz.

Me 5:01
I'm still gonna stay on the anti-depressants for now, tho'. This is all so new & big & happy that I don't wanna do *anything* to back-slide, ya know?

DC 5:02
Yeah, that has to be a major concern

Me 5:05
Big-time! I mean, yeah, its fan-frickin-tastic right this second. But I gotta _lot_ of emotional work to do. I gotta build a healthy foundation pretty much by myself cuz of our sitch. Quite frankly, if I knew exactly how to do that, I probably would have by now. There's gonna be some bumps & I need help.

DC 5:06
Yeah, I know

Me 5:08
I really wish you could just be more a part of all this. You don't get to *see* or feel it. Plus I can't be there for you, either, and I don't like that at all.

DC 5:09
Me either hun. I know that this is hard on both of us

Me 5:11
*nods* thank goodness we totally wuv each other & believe in -us- ... Its still hard, sure, but we know what we're working towards. Someone to look forward to.

DC 5:12
Yeah, its tough but worth it

Me 5:13
Zackly, baby :-) ... Seems like we've been chatting about the time you say, "I gotta go" ;-) ... Get ready for dinner er somethin' ::snickerage:: whaddayathink?

DC 5:14
Huh?

Me 5:16
Hmmm. We chat for a bit, and then you gotta go do something. Seems like we're coming up on how long we usually text at this time of day before you have something else to do. Better? Clearer?

DC 5:17
Yeah, I still have a while before dinner

Me 5:18
Okey dokes. Just don't wanna hold up foodage. You've been doing so much, I'm betting you need it for energy & healing. And a happy tum-tum & mood :-D

DC 5:22
Yeah I do. It has been a hard couple of weeks

Me 5:25
I know, hun. Its been very difficult physically *and* emotionally for you. Hopefully I'll be a little less of a project now, and not take up so much of yer time & energy. Maybe even be able to help *you* a bit :-D :: crossing paws ::

DC 5:26
That would be nice, LOL

Me 5:27
:: snickerage :: agreed. I been trying, in sooo many ways. Trying to help, trying yer patience, ... ;-)

DC 5:28
No, lets not talk like that

Me 5:29
Was just bein' funny, hun. Trust me, I *know* what I've been going thru. Given everything you're going thru, too, you've been amazing :-D

DC 5:30
I try, LOL

Me 5:32
I know, hun, thank you. I honestly believe that my being able to trust in us (and you!) that I've been able to survive, make discoveries, & move forward.

Me 5:33
Lousy grammar, but I hope it made sense.

DC
Good

Yeah

Me
Whew!

DC 5:34
LOL

Me 5:35
So I'm thinkin' there's no more Option Journaling for me for awhile. Let this one kinda settle a bit, ya know what I mean?

DC
Yeah. You do what you need to do

Me 5:38
Thank you. Michelle, my Life Coach (think mom & counselor w/o the degree, depersonalization, or overcharges) is interested in helping me as much as needed for whatever I can afford. That'd be awesome! Gotta "let's see how this goes" meeting Wednesday. :: crossing paws ::

DC 5:39
Cool

Me 5:42
*nods* she's fantastic. Unlike a "real" shrink, if you just need to curl up & cry on her shoulder, ya can. If ya need someone to say "um, wtf!? grow a set!", she will. etc. I'd rather have you, tho' :: sigh ::

DC 5:43
Me too

Me
I know :: warm sniffy smile ::

DC 5:44
Well now I need to get ready for dinner

Me 5:45
Oh, and I have *no* clue what this all means for, um, playtime. I look at fetish pix & I'm like, "um, no." Eeep! I'm vanilla!?!?

Me 5:46
:: snickerage :: okey dokes, sweetie. Thx for the chattage. Schmoochies!

DC
Huh?

Ok hun, ttyl

Me 5:47
When we have more time, ok? I was typing it when you sent the "get ready for dinner" message.

Will do. Buhbyez. :-)

DC 5:48
Bye baby

--- --- --- ---

Me 8:57p
Hey, hun ... How was (is?) dinner?

DC 9:00
Good, just sitting here talking about things for the house... Over a couple of drinks LOL

Me
:: snickerage :: you're kidding! Enjoy :-)

DC 9:12
Ty hun, sorry, I was in the restroom. LOL

Me 9:13
:: snickerage :: definitely seems to be a pattern ... hmmmm ?

DC 9:14
Lol, seems to be

Me 9:15
:: snickerage :: sorry to bug ya, baby. Text me when yer done?

DC 9:16
Yeah hun, ttyl

Me
Buhbyez.

DC 9:17
Bye hun

--- --- --- ---

My thoughts: Sam & Nora are more important than me. He rarely contacts me when they're around. Says its so he can concentrate on me, give me his full attention, but then doesn't anyway. Um, yeah. Says he wants to be here with me but then doesn't get in touch. I'm wondering if Sam & Nora are telling him to forget about me? He's also getting really vested in "our home" over there, which he *never* did with me.

6.14.2009

2009-06-15T20:54:00.001-04:00

Think the phone did some housekeeping again. Sheesh.

--- --- --- ---

DC 12:39a
Yeah, I am but its hard to sleep in the car packed the way it is

Me 12:40
:: snickerage :: yeah, I sooo totally know how that goes.

DC 12:42
Yep. Plus I am so sore that I need to be able to lay down to be confortable enough to sleep

Me 12:44
:-( ... Didja get the last care package I'd sent to D's? It might have some helpful meds. Not for right this second, of course, but maybe when yer home.

DC 12:46
Yeah I got it. You are going to have to tell me what each do and what combos are and aren't ok

Me
Ok. I don't even remember what I put in there anymore ;-)

DC 12:47
Ok, we can talk about it more tomorrow

Me 12:48
*nods* that works. Opening it in the car would not be a good idea, as I recall.

DC 12:51
I don't feel like typing out all of the names of the meds right now

Me 12:52
That's fine, baby. Sorry, I thought I said I'd agreed with you on doing it tomorrow.

DC
I just got both messages

Me 12:53
:: snickerage :: I know how *that* goes, too ;-)

DC 12:54
Yeah, one day they may make a phone that actually works

Me 12:55
LOL! Um, yeah, that's the spirit! ;-)

DC 12:56
I can dream can't I? ;-)

Me 12:58
Yepperoonies! :-D (especially if it involves me ... hee!)

DC 12:56
Yep, it does

Me 1:00
:: warm fuzzy smile ::

DC 1:08
Thanks hun. I'm sorry I'm feeling so down

Me 1:09
Yer welcome. I'm sorry you are, too.

DC 1:10
Maybe after I rest I will be ok

Me 1:11
:: crossing paws ::

DC 1:12
Thanks hun

Me 1:13
Yer welcome :-) ... I don't like it when yer unhappy.

DC 1:16
I know hun, thanks for caring

Me 1:17
:-) you are so very important to me ... You are quite welcome.

DC 1:18
And you are to me. I hope you know that

Me
Awww, I know, baby. I don't mind hearing it again, tho' ;-)

DC 1:19
Ok

Me 1:20
Wanna hear a funny?

DC
Ok

Me 1:23
As you know, you're very important to me. One might use the term "precious", in fact. Well, earlier today, I typed "precious" instead of hunnie. And then burst out laughing when I heard Smeegle saying it ;-) ... Figured I'd better check to make sure you knew I meant precious, not _precious_ ;-)

DC 1:25
Huh? You said precious twice

Me
Obviously I changed it back to hunnie before sending earlier. Really didn't want you to take the least bit in the wrong way, & I know you've gotta lot going on.

DC 1:26
Ok

Me
Yeah, one had _ before & after, for emphasis. There's precious like I mean it (lovingly) and Smeegle precious, like obsessive addiction we're all gonna die.

DC 1:27
Ok

Me 1:29
I just didn't wanna send it "my" way & have you take it Smeegley. I thought it could be construed as hurtful & don't wanna add to your stress, even by accident.

DC 1:30
Ty, its already bad enough

Me 1:32
Zackly :-( ... I could me-ify it ... Would that help? Pwecious? :: snickerage :: and you thought I *slept* thru the whole films, didn't ya? ;-)

DC 1:33
Well thats more the way he said it

Me 1:35
Well then definitely not that way, huh? Purrecious? Nah, I'm a dog person. Woof-cious just sounds weird.

DC 1:36
I don't know

Me 1:37
Sorry, baby. Was trying to be silly & cheer you up. Guess I got the silly part ok ;-)

DC 1:40
Yeah, I'm sorry hun, I'm not in much of a silly mood.

Me 1:41
Its ok, hunnie. I just hope you'll feel better soonish.

DC
Me too

Me 1:42
I'll bet!

DC 1:43
Yeah, I hate feeling like this

Me
I know you do.

DC 1:44
I just don't want to get in the way of your happy mood

Me 1:46
I'm sorry, hun. I laid down to relax & type. Suddenly, my body's like, "hey! We didn't getta lotta sleep last night!" I'd love to chat more, but I might fall asleep on you soon. Mind if we say g'night?

DC
Fine

Me 1:47
I appreciate your concern, baby, thank you. I know you care a lot about me, and this is one of the ways you show it.

Me 1:50
Thx, baby. :-* ... I hope you get home safe, sleep well, and feel better physically & emotionally tomorrow. ttyt ... Buhbyezzzz.

DC 1:51
Bye

--- --- --- ---

DC 4:26a
Hey hun, just letting you know that we made it back. Ttyt

Me 5:16
Glad yer home :-D. Hope the food was yummy & yer enjoying seepie-byes. ttyt :-*

--- --- --- ---

Me 1:39p
Hello, baby. Haven't contacted you since you'd pulled in so late last night after such a long, difficult day. Hope unloading & whatever else goes well today.

DC 2:52
Hey hun, sorry, I just woke up, LOL

Me 2:56
:: snickerage :: I sorta figured. You were purty tired!

DC 2:57
Yep, now we get to unload the car, oh boy! LOL

Me 2:59
LOL! G'luck. Just got off the phone w/ C on the biz idea. He's the "your-so-cute-here's-why-it-won't-work" guy. He *loved* it & is talking to a plastics manufacturer on it *tomorrow* :-D

DC 3:00
Very cool, good job hun

Me 3:01
Thank you!!! :-D

DC 3:03
I really hope it works out for you

Me 3:04
Me, too :: crossing paws :: cuz I totally see it as "us". Here again I can't make any $$ so it would all hafta go to you. Hope yer alright with that ;-)

DC 3:05
Thats fine, do what you have to do on that

Me 3:07
Ok, hun. C used conservative pricing & sales figures after the first 6-12 month startup as about $1k/month. I'd be really surprised if that's *all* we made.

Me 3:13
Plus I figured between me & you, we can get a good "introductory" distribution going. My friend D knows a *lot* of folks. You know some. I'm betting T and/or O know some stores/sales outlets.

DC 3:14
Yeah, thats a really good plan hun

Me 3:15
:: crossing paws :: now its just gotta work. How're you feeling today?

DC 3:16
Still sore and about to get even more sore, LOL

Me 3:18
:: snickerage :: yeah, that's the way this works. Dad wants me to mow the lawn. Yippee.

DC 3:27
Have fun with that. I just finished getting dressed. Time to do the car and put things away

Me 3:29
:: snickerage :: thank you. Hope you sneak some fun in today, too, hunnie. Maybe we can talkie-talk later? :-) ... Buh bye for now, baby.

DC 3:30
Ok hun, bye

--- --- --- ---

DC 5:42p
Hey hun, what are you up to?

Me
Reading, waiting for it to cool down a bit before mowing the lawn. You?

DC 5:44
Just got things put in place

Me
Yippee!

DC 5:47
Yeah, now dinner has been brout up. Lol, I think I worked them silly

Me
:: snickerage :: good for you, hunnie ;-)

DC 5:48
Yep, it feels a little better here now

Me 5:49
Yay. I'm happy to hear that :-)

DC 6:02
I think we decided on dinner. Sorry I was away so long

Me 6:03
That's ok, baby. Whatcha gonna have?

DC
Chilli's

Me 6:04
:: snickerage :: sounds like a plan. You usually enjoy it there, right?

DC 6:05
Yep

Me
:-)

DC 6:06
When are you doing the grass?

Me 6:07
Prolly soonish. Its cooling down nicely out there. No set time other than "before its too dark" ;-)

DC
Yeah, I didn't want to hold you up

Me 6:08
Yer not. I'm procrastinating ;-)

DC
I know hun

Me 6:09
:: shrug :: I'm having a tough time being "nice", or even near them right now.

DC 6:10
Why is that?

Me 6:12
Cuzza the memories that were dredged up Friday night. I'm confident they've re-written history & would say it never happened. I hate it here more than ever now.

DC
I bet so

Me 6:13
Do you think we can talkie talk sometime today?

DC 6:14
Maybe, I hope so

DC 6:15
We are getting ready to go to dinner

Me
Me, too, baby, me, too. It would mean a lot to me.

Okey dokes. Enjoy yer burger & beer ;-) ... Buh bye for now, hun.

DC 6:16
Bye, I will text you later

--- --- --- ---

Me 6:27p
Hee! Damn, I'm good. Sorry to interrupt, but I just had to share. I got downstairs just as dad was coming back in the house cuz he finished mowing the lawn :-D

DC 7:36
Thats good, now you are free to relax

Me 7:38
Yep. That's pretty much the agenda, yeah ;-) ... I'm pretty drained. I mean, I didn't *do* much, but a lot happened. I'm exhausted!

DC 7:57
Sorry again hun. I had to reboot my phone 3 times before it started working right

Me 7:58
OMG! Sorry, hun :-( ... Wish we could afford to get you a better one ...

DC 8:00
It's ok hun, the battery is pretty low. That might have something to do with it

Me 8:01
Ah. That could definitely be it. Whew!

DC 8:02
Yeah, it may die on me, just to let you know

Me 8:03
Ok, thank you for the warning. How was dinner?

DC 8:06
It's good, we are still eatting, LOL

Me 8:07
Eeep! Sorry. Ttyl, baby. Wasn't trying to disrupt. :-*!

DC 8:08
It's cool. I'll text when I get it on the charger

Me
Ok, hunnie. Buhbyez.

DC
Bye

--- --- --- ---

DC 9:25p
Hey hun, what are you doing?

Me 9:26
Chatting with EJ online. You?

DC 9:28
Just got back to the house. Thinking about making tonight an earily one. I'm still tired

Me 9:28
I'm sure you are, hunnie.

DC 9:29
I hurt and I'm sleepie. This is odd for me

Me
Wow, yeah it sure seems to be.

DC 9:31
You know I'm tired when I'm talking about sleep this earily

Me
Big-time!

DC 9:32
What are you going to be doing tonight?

Me 9:34
Still figuring out what I want *now* after Friday. It seems like little things crop up a lot. I'll do or think something & be like Wow, I can change that now!

DC 9:35
I guess thats good

Me 9:36
*nods* yeah, it seems to be. And I'm sooooo mad at the PUs. Trying to reign that in so I don't end up homeless.

DC 9:38
Don't do anything stupid. You need to focus on getting you straight, you know?

Me 9:40
Exactly. This weekend has really helped me bunches. Such a huge mistake like that would probably be devastating, in essence proving them right, which would BAD.

DC 9:41
Yeah, we can't have that

Me
Nope! Cuz they're not :-D

Me 9:42
Can we talkie talk just for a few minutes? I just wanna be a bit more connected to you I can be by texting.

DC 9:44
Nope, do you think we can do the phone call tomorrow sometime? I'm honestly nodding off. I did like you did last night, laid down and it hit

DC 9:45
Ok, just for a few though

Me
LOL! Okey dokes. I have no plans at all for tomorrow. Nie-nie baby.

Well, yeah. I'll call right now.

DC
Ok

DC 9:47
Ok

"Smart"' Optioning Fallout -- Next Steps?

2009-06-15T19:35:00.006-04:00

Obviously this is the first draft, as of 11pm 6/14/2009. I'm sure there will be a LOT of changes as I learn and/or become aware of things. Hopefully the fonts are readable on your screen ;-) ...

--- --- --- ---

New Beliefs

DC loves, wants, & needs me, finds me attractive, and values me & my opinion

I am

* Lovable & loved	* Deserve happiness	* responsible
* Wantable & wanted	* Talented	* strong
* Attractive	* Employable	* a survivor
* Smart	* Successful	* helpful
* Sexy	* Sensual	* sympathetic
* Fun	* Genuine	* empathic
* Caring & careful	* Intuitive	* spiritually in touch
* Worthwhile	* Valid	* teachable
* Worth standing up for by myself, DC, and others		* diligent
* Worth protecting	* funny	* adaptable
* spiritual	* intense	* secure
* inquisitive	* passionate	* confident
* curious	* deep	* accepting
* positive	* trustworthy	* acceptable & accepted
* logical	* patient	* respectible & respected
* rational	* kind	* strong
* valuable	* no-judgmental	* respectful

Its ok to

* be happy	* need & be needed
* relax	* enjoy
* have fun	* be smart
* share my feelings	* think
* make mistakes	* feel
* want & be wanted	* do
* not take on others judgments or opinions of me	* listen to advice as neither criticism nor judgment
* love & be loved	* hurt
* be respected & show respect	* heal
* disregard, ignore, or shun those that disrespect me	* take care of me emotionally, physically, sexually, and financially
* want, have, love, & guide a child	* be attractive
* be "there" for others	* flirt
* have & share opinions	* ask for what I want/need
* believe in myself & others	* respond reasonably & when I'm ready to
* feel overwhelmed, take a step back, and ask for help	* stop self-oppressing so that others don't have the opportunity to
* fail & move on	* take responsibility without taking blame
* submit and/or defer	* cope
* be in charge	* help others
* take a break	* ask for help
* look good	* put myself first
* put someone else first	* learn
* take care of someone	* grow
* give advice	* work smart and/or hard as needed
* listen	* ask questions
* remember	* explore
* breathe	* take a break
* take my time	* recognize failure & move on
* forget	* say no
* say goodbye	* disagree
* be asked	* agree
* sing, dance, fuck	* release the childhood oppression
* relieve stress	* trust
* have a good day	* believe
* write-off or dismiss the bad	* be proactive
* forgive & learn something positive from the negative experience	* lose myself in the moment; its ok, I'll come back, richer for the experience
* be forgiven, and ask for it if need be	* think for myself
* apologize	* consider others' opinions
* ask for "permission"; its not really that, but giving someone the courtesy & the opportunity to discuss, negotiate, and/or compromise	* adopt an opinion or follow advice or direction as warranted; this means I'm rational & adaptable, not stupid or unworthy
* let my feelings & intuition guide me	* tell someone after the fact
* protect myself & others	* make myself available
* identify things to improve about me; needing or wanting to improve shows I'm adaptable, smart, & caring, not that I'm stupid, unworthy, or a failure	* try something new; whether I can do it right away, need time to learn & practice, or can't do it is ok
* do what I want and/or need	* socialize
* hate or feel sorry for someone	* think positively
* succeed	* to want something better or more
* depend on someone	* break the emotional habits from childhood & adopt new ones (probably thru trial & error)
* be nervous or anxious

Statements

Whatever "it" is, its probably not my fault or responsibility	Adapting to the situation and/or others is smart and caring
Adapting in no way invalidates me; instead, it validates me because I'm purposely putting "me" to a better use	Its ok to experience stress or tension; its a sign that I am coping, not that I've failed or am in someway inferior
Sorry means that the outcome or impact on someone wasn't what I'd intended	Sorry does not mean that I'm inferior, stupid, or wrong
Sorry is only for that one thing, not a judgment of me as a person	When someone labels me, that's their label & says a lot about them & their past, emotions
insecurities, demons, hopes, fears, need for control; I can choose to discuss, accept, ignore, or discard it	I can prepare for something negative without steeling for battle
Success is success; getting help shows strength, resolve, and that I am worth both the effort & attaining this goal rather than inability, unworthiness, or inferiority	If someone doesn't get back to me, it means they're busy with more pressing/urgent matters, not necessarily more important things; -or- they didn't get my message
I can handle "it"	I don't have to take it on if its someone else's "it"
When someone disagrees, s/he is disagreeing with the opinion or action, not with me; and even if they are, that shows their insecurity and room for growth, not mine

New Emotional Habits

State these positively, as specific actions, behaviors, or thoughts
When a negative or unwanted thought comes up, tell myself "not anymore", and change it to (or figure out) its positive

Old	New
Stop self-oppressing
Stop accepting blame
Stop discounting myself
Stop telling myself I'm hopeless, worthless, or don't matter
Stop hiding and/or running away
Stop disregarding the good
Stop internalizing & only remembering the bad
Stop needing pain to grow
Stop using pain against myself & others
Stop accepting all forms of abuse
Not everything, good or bad, is a threat

What Else is Different

* My sexuality: what do I want, what's attractive, what feels good, slower to orgasm (cuz olde bdsm thoughts are counterproductive?), need new fantasies?
* Still interested in BDSM/TiH?
* Food choices
* Songs & pictures "resonate" differently now, and bring up different thoughts & feelings

6.13.2009

2009-06-15T00:08:00.001-04:00

Me 7:25a
G'mornin', hunnie. Hope y'all hava safe & successful trip. :-*

DC 10:45
Hey, we are on the road. This ride is going to suck, LOL

Me 10:46
:: snickerage :: g'luck. Didja get my message at 7:25 this morning?

DC 10:48
Why were you up at that time?

Me 10:50
Not sure why, exactly. I've been kinda up since 3:59. Dozed in & out til 7:14, been awake ever since. :: snickerage ::

DC 10:51
Damn, you're going to be napping pretty soon huh?

Me
I dunno. Still "processing" last night.

DC 10:52
I bet so, are you feeling better?

Me 10:55
Again, I don't really know. I'm shaky, my mind is racing, I'm numb & empty, I wanna scream & cry, I wanna run away & hide. But I desperately need to fill the void with good things, and positively deal with the new reality and actually *decide* what I wanna think, believe, and do. Its scary as hell.

DC 10:56
I bet so hun. I wish I could help more

Me 10:57
Me, too. I need you so very much right now. Not to tell me what to do, but just to hold me and listen and tell me its ok.

DC 10:59
I know baby. I'm sorry that you are going thru this

Me 11:00
Thank you. I'm glad I am. LOL weird, I know. I'm very upset as to why I'm going thru this, and what its cost me to not go thru this decades earlier.

DC 11:02
I know hun

Me 11:03
Are you familiar with the phrase "transformational discipline"?

DC
Nope

Me 11:04
Basically its such a severe emotional and physical session that the pride, barriers, and coping mechanisms are all destroyed, so the Dom can mold the sub.

DC 11:06
Oh ok, is that what happened?

Me 11:07
Yes. But instead of positive messages, I got negative ones. How worthless I am. I'll never amount to anything. I'm stupid.

DC 11:08
No you're not

Me
And instead of having it happen once or twice, it happened once or more a month for three years.

DC
Damn

Me 11:09
No, hunnie, I'm not saying I "am" those things ... I'm saying those were the messages I was given to fill the void.

And instead of being a consenting adult, this started after I learned to walk but was still in diapers until the third grade.

DC 11:10
Oh ok. Well thats not good

Damn

Me 11:12
No, its not good at all. As near as I can tell, the *only* reason it stopped is because my third grade teacher was abusive, so my parents saw the effect this had on me having to watch other kids be abused in this other supposedly safe environment, as well as my being emotionally abused there, too.

DC 11:13
I'm sorry hun

Me 11:18
Thank you. So ... My asking questions meant I "needed" this. Saying sorry was just another barrier to break down. Etc. And when the dog tried to protect me, mom took her into the other room & punished her for that, and then abandoned her there. So, standing up for me means bad things are gonna happen to you, too. Which is why I didn't hate anyone enough to love them.

Me 11:19
When dad was done with me, mom said I had to get cleaned up cuz no wanted me like this. I had to be happy and show the world the person I was supposed to be, that reflected well on them. In essence, my thoughts & feelings are invalid & don't matter. Meaning I don't matter. Other people's opinions matter. Other people's reputations matter. Mine don't.

DC 11:21
Well they do to me, ok?

DC 11:23
Well thats not the case anymore

Me
I know, hun. Again, I'm not saying its right or what I wanna believe. Its what was repeatedly beaten into me. Now I have the chance to fill the void created by last night's release with whatever I want! So that's what I'm doing today ... Figuring out what I want.

DC 11:24
Ok, am I on the list?

Me 11:25
But the good news is that the 3rd grade experience, when my parents "woke up", is why I believed you would, too ;-)

DC
Ok

Me 11:26
Baby, you *are* the list :: snickerage :: your positive messages, your feelings for me, and accepting, believing, and even returning them, are the list.

DC 11:27
Ok hun

Me
Glad yer ok with that ;-)

DC 11:28
Yep

Me
:-D

DC 11:30
I keep looseing signal so I'm going to go for now. I will text you when it clears up

Me
Ok, sweetie. Buh bye for now.

DC 11:31
Bye

--- --- --- ---

DC 12:29p
Hey, we are going to be stopping for food soon so I wanted to check in to see how you were doing

Me 12:38
Ok. Bene's clean. Me & the bathroom are not. ;-)

DC 12:39
Lol, well I'm sure that she is happy now

Me 12:40
Yupperoonies! In case playing in water & being clean & smelling better isn't enough, I gave her a chewie.

DC 12:42
Well atleast shes not spoiled

Me
Nope ;-)

I'd really like to talk to you sometime today if you have a chance. Around 2 or 7 works best for me.

DC 12:43
I can try but I can't promise, ok?

Me 12:44
Ok, thank you. I understand. Its a lot easier to do that today :: warm smile :: but I'm still shaking so bad I can barely type on the phone.

DC 12:46
Ok hun, well try to get some rest. Maybe that will help

Me 12:47
Sorry to ask, but I'm curious ... How come you don't wanna talk to me when you're around S & N? Or am I misunderstanding something?

Me 12:48
I'd like to, but not much time. I gotta clean me enough to be ready to leave in an hour. And sometimes I can be pretty dirty ;-)

DC 12:49
You are hun, I just know what we have to do later and I want to be able to give you my full attition, you know?

Where are you going today?

Me 12:50
Ok, thank you. 24 hours ago I would've assumed you were embarrassed of me. The thought came up out of habit, I laughed at it, and it went away, leaving me curious instead of hurt. Yippee!! :-D

D & L's anniversary party w/ B & A.

DC 12:51
Oh ok, I hope you have fun

Me 12:52
Me, too. I feel like I actually can today :: crossing paws ::

DC 12:53
Thats good, one of us should have fun today, LOL

Me 12:54
:: snickerage :: yeah, I know. Sorry its not gonna by you *too* ... That'd be really cool, for both of us to have fun at :: gasp! :: the same time :-)

DC 12:55
Lol, yeah I know

Me
Especially if it was in the same place. That'd be way fuckin' awesome :-D

DC 12:56
Yeah it would

Me 12:57
I'm _happy_ thinking about it. This is sooo cool!

DC
Good

Me 12:59
I'm sure you guessed some of those memories are part of the "stop ordering me around" issues. I'm workin' on this, hun. Thx for staying with me thru this. :-*

DC 1:00
Of course hun

Me 1:01
:-) ... the PUs just left for a bit. That feels a *lot* better. Anywayz, I don't mean to keep you from foodage. Please enjoy, be well, and stay safe, ok?

DC 1:02
I will hun, ty

Me 1:03
Yer welcome. Buhbyezzzz (yes, I'm following your snoozle advice).

DC
Lol, ok hun, bye

Me 1:07
Just as I was falling seepies, I got this message: "Fetus Block 11 Radio has requested to follow you on Twitter!" Doesn't sound like our hot russian bride-to-be

DC 1:08
Thats odd

Me 1:09
Yeah. That's why I set Twitter to me needing to approve folks. Ya get some really crap on there. Anywayz, it was too odd to keep to myself. nie-nie, baby ;-)

DC 1:10
Bye hun

--- --- --- ---

Me 2:19
Its 2:20. I'm acailable for about 20mins if you are. Its ol if yer not, baby.

DC 2:20
We are still eatting, sorry hun

Me 2:21
:: snickerage :: okey dokes, hun.

DC 2:22
Text me later, ok?

Me
Will dooz. Buh bye for now, hun.

Me 2:23
Bye

Me 2:37
:: snickerage :: passed Roush 'Stang a couple miles back. He did *not* like that. I'm sure he feels better now that he's in front of me again ;-)

DC 2:38
Thats funny

Me
Heee! And he's gottan Iraq Veteran license plate

DC 2:41
That sucks

Me
? I just thought it made it funnier. How does it suck, hun?

DC 2:42
Iraq, I don't like them

Me 2:43
No, hunnie. He *fought* in Iraq, not that he's Iraqi.

DC
Oh ok

Me 2:46
I'm so freakin' happy :-D ... Sorry to keep bugging yer foodage. I just wanna share *everything* & be totally open to/with you. I'll stop now, I pwomith ;-) bye

DC 2:47
Ok hun, bye

--- --- --- ---

Me 4:56p
Hey, sweetie ... D wishes us well. Today is the actual date of their 50th wedding anniversary, and she gave me a big long hug for us, especially since today should've been for us. We both teared up a bit :: sniff ::

DC 5:02
Yeah hun I know. I've been trying to not think about that. I just got Js' key and we are on our way to there now

Me 5:05
Me, too, baby. Coolness & g'luck with everything you hafta do.

DC
Thanks

Me 5:06
Yer welcome. Buh bye for now, hun.

DC
Bye hun

--- --- --- ---

DC 9:03p
Hey hun, you still busy?

Me 9:06
Hi, baby. Still at B's but I can take a break if you'd like. Wussup?

DC 9:07
I was just wanting to let you know that we are back on the road. Your tools are all at Ds and I actually had to leave a few boxes at Ds. We got most of my stuff though

Me 9:10
Glad you could get most of yer stuff. Thanks for the tool info. Please stay safe, hun.

DC 9:12
I'm fine baby. Just pretty beat... Again, lol. Atleast I have a few hours to rest.

Me 9:14
:: snickerage :: I'll bet, hun. I miss you.

DC 9:16
I miss you too. I can't wait til this being apart shit is over

Me 9:17
Me, too!

DC 9:19
I'm afraid I'm going to fall asleep after I eat

Me
Ok, hun.

DC 9:22
We will be stopping in just a few mins to eat. I just wanted to check in with you

Me 9:23
Ok, baby. I'm helping B empty her Bacardi Dark ;-) before I leave ...

Me 9:37
Didja get this, hun? I sent it over 10mins ago... Ok, baby. I'm helping B empty her Bacardi Dark ;-) before I leave ...

DC 9:38
You enjoy that, drink some for me. I will have a couple of beers when we get back to the house

DC
Yeah, and I responded to it

Me
Ok, I just got both messages ... Sounds familiar, eh? ;-)

DC 9:40
Yep

Me 9:41
:: snickerage :: when do you think you'll be home?

DC 9:42
Probobly around 3am

Me
Eeeep!

DC 9:43
Yep, fun fun

Me 9:44
:: snickerage :: I'll let you know when I'm going seepies.

DC 9:45
Ok, and I will let you know when we get back

Me
Okey dokes.

DC 9:46
Ok then hun, go have fun and I will talk to you laterz

Me 9:48
Ok, baby. Thank you, and I look forward to chatting later. Buh bye for now, hun.

DC 9:49
Bye baby

--- --- --- ---

Me 11:26
Just left B's.

DC 11:28
Ok hun, we are on I-95 about an hour from VA

Me
Okey dokes.

DC 11:30
Did you have fun today/tonight?

Me 11:31
Yeah :-)

DC 11:33
Good, I'm glad you were able to enjoy yourself. I really need a drink right now

Me 11:34
You liked your shot of Baxardi ;-)

DC 11:35
Good, are you sober enough to drive home?

Me 11:36
:: snickerage :: of course. But it'd be better if I talked now or texted later.

DC 11:37
Ok, text me when you get home

Me
Ok :-(

DC 11:40
I would talk to you now hun but I'm kinda in one of those moods and I don't want to take anything out on you accidently, you know?

Me
Ok, thank you for explaining. Sorry you're going thru that. Buh bye for now, baby.

DC 11:42
Thanks hun, I'm sorry. Bye 4 now

6.12.2009

2009-06-13T23:33:00.000-04:00

Me 9:20a
Awwww, that was sooo cute! When I brought Ben upstairs for seepies last night, she started panting before entering the bedroom, like "oh, crap, here comes the heat". Suddenly she stopped walking & panting, stood up tall, saw the fully open window, sniffed & cocked her head, wagged her tail & happily plopped down on the floor with her nose facing the window :-D

Me 12:29p
I soooo fuckin' rock! <jk> ... Limewire Pro works, and I (accidentally) figured it out myself :-D

DC 12:53
Thats good hun. Sorry it took me so long, I've been sleeping

DC 12:54
I'm still not feeling well

Me 12:56
That's ok. Hope I didn't wake you :-(

Me 12:57
Sorry you're not feeling well :-( ... Hope that can be cleared up soon.

DC 12:58
No I just woke up to go to the restroom

Me
;-) gotcha, having been lnown to do that myself.

DC 12:59
Me too. I wish I knew what was causing this

Yeah

Me
dittage. Wish we could afford to have that looked into.

DC 1:00
Well we can't, lol. I'm sure I will be ok soon

Me 1:01
I know, and I certainly hope so :-)

DC 1:02
I will be ok. I just need to rest, you know

Me 1:03
*nods* ok, baby.

DC 1:04
I have to make myself feel better so we can get my stuff, LOL

Me 1:05
:: snickerage :: there ya go.

DC
Yep

Me 1:06
Anything else going on for you today?

DC 1:19
Not that I know of baby. Sorry for the delay, I just got sick

Me 1:20
Sorry to hear that, hun. That is totally not fun. :-*

Me 1:21
How's the moving planning going? Make any decisions on what y'all are gonna do?

DC
Nope, maybe I can eat something later and feel better

Me 1:22
G'luck with that. How's the head & throat today?

DC
Yeah, just the car. I'm going to toss my bed, they are going to find a cheap one for me up here

DC 1:23
Still hurts

Me
Makes sense.

:-(

DC
Yeah

DC 1:24
Thats why I am resting so much today

Me
Guess all that lost weight musta been water 3# of its already back.

*nods* also makes sense.

DC
Damn

DC 1:25
Yeah

Me
Here's next week's work schedule: M off, Tu 1:30-7p, W off, Th 11a-4:30p, F 8:30a-5p, Sa 11:30a-8p. Please hold onto this somehow, ok?

DC
Ok

Me 1:26
Yeah, I gain weight whenever I up my activity level, and I was pretty darned active yesterday.

DC
LOL

Me 1:27
:: snickerage :: good thing you weren't there. You woulda not been happy with me climbing everywhere to get stuff done. But it worked & I'm safe, so I dun good.

DC 1:28
Good, well I'm going to lay back down hun

Me 1:29
Ok, baby. Snoozle well.

DC
Ty baby, ttyl

Me 1:30
Okey dokes. Buhbyezzzz.

DC
Bye

--- --- --- ---

DC 4:54p
Hey hun, what are you up to?

Me 4:55
Eating. How was snoozle?

DC
I feel some better

Me 4:56
That's good.

DC 4:57
Yeah, I think we are leaving tonight going down to NC

Me 4:58
Makes sense. Yer gonna need as much daylight as possible to do stuff other than just driving.

DC 4:59
Yep, I have to find out what time I can go to Js, LOL

Me 5:00
J said "afternoon". Sorry, I thought I'd forwarded that to you when you'd asked :-(

Me 5:05
Didja get my msg about james, hun? Haven't heard back. Really hope yer not, um, getting sick again & had to rush to the toitie.

DC 5:07
Sorry hun, I felt like I was going to be

Me
Sorry, baby.

DC 5:08
Its ok

And I ment what time in the afternoon

Me 5:09
Ah, gotcha. I didn't get into those specifics with him.

DC 5:10
Yeah

Me
Did you want me to?

DC
That would be nice, ty

Me 5:13
Ok. Wanna Saturday and/or Sunday times?

DC
Saturday

Me 5:15
Okey dokes.

DC 5:16
Well I'm going to try to eat a little something

Me
Ok, hun. Hope it helps.

DC 5:17
Lol, me to. Ttyl?

Me
Yes, please. Buh bye for now, hun.

DC 5:18
Ok hun, bye

Me
From James: After 430 or so would be good.

Me 5:20
From dad: A guy walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache." The wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow." The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

DC
Ok, thanks hun

Me
Yer welcome.

DC 5:22
That was baaaaad, LOL

Me 5:23
:: snickerage :: wonder why I have self-confidence issues ... ;-) ... And yes, I heard you sounding sheepie when you said that.

DC 5:24
LOL

Me
:: snickerage :: anywayz, didn't mean to keep you from foodage. Buhbyez again.

DC 5:25
Bye

--- --- --- ---

I think the phone deleted messages again

Me 6:22p
Important mobile phone numbers ...

DC 6:26
Yeah, if not we are going anyway

Me
*nods* kinda hafta, I'm thinkin'.

DC 6:27
Yep

Me
So I take foodage didn't help much, huh?

Me 6:29
I, uh, discovered a new sex toy, btw ...

DC 6:31
It helped some, whats that?

Me 6:33
That's good. ... Goes good with nips. Can you ladies gimme a "Damn!" ... I'm tellin' ya, hun, we gotta make & market attachments for these. Whoah!

DC 6:34
Lol, I bet so

Me 6:35
No, seriously. I'm not kidding. This is a totally untapped, easy to buy, easy to pack, looks "normal", everybody's got one kinda market ... For _sex_ ...

DC 6:36
There you go

Me
Already on it ;-) ... Researching business plan, capital needs, and investment sources as we type :-)

DC 6:41
Damn, well I'm doing job stuff. Can I get back to you later?

Me 6:44
Sure, hun ... G'luck :-) Given what they do, maybe S & N might know some investment folks? Just a thought. Buh bye for now, hun.

DC 6:45
Ok, bye

--- --- --- ---

Me 7:07p
From J: Also, i think he still has his key. Could you have him bring it if he does?

--- --- --- ---

My phone crashed big-time, so I logged onto AT&T & texted him from there, suggesting Y!M so we didn't lose messages or they didn't go thru

DC 8:19
I'm not able to get on. We are on our way to dinner

Me 8:20
Okey dokes. Its limping now. Hopefully I'll have it fully up when y'all are done eating.

DC 8:21
Ok

DC 8:41
No I didn't get it but thanks hun. Bye for now

--- --- --- ---

see http://looking4spanko.blogspot.com/2009/05/belief.html

Me 9:37p
Hunnie, I'm so sorry to bother you, but I was hoping you could do me a huge favor ... Will you please call my voicemail & say it'll all be alright? I'm too upset (not at you!) to go into details right now. Thx for considering it.

DC 9:38
Ok hun

Me 9:40
Thank you.

DC 9:41
Yw

Me 10:06
Thx. You have no idea how much that helped. I'm (almost) calm now ... still woozy & shakie. If you want me to explain, lemme know. But it might be a bit.

DC 10:07
Thats fine hun. Take your time

Me
Ok. Thank you.

DC 10:08
Yw

Me 10:25
I'm soooo seepie now. Short version ... I was journaling, and a long-buried, awful, repeated memory came up & I sobbed uncontrollably for over an hour.

DC 10:26
God, are you ok?

Me 10:28
I think so. Maybe. I was hyperventilating while having an asthma attack and I think a rib or two are outta place now. This memory explains a lot of why I feel about me the way I do, why I feel about love the way I do, why I feel about dogs the way I do ... and why I've forgotten so much of my childhood.

DC 10:30
God, I'm sorry hun

Me 10:32
Thank you, hunnie. I'm so tired & thirsty & still a little shaky. I found the Axe Phoenix scratch-n-sniff and held that close while listening to your voicemail over & over. Shit. I'm crying again. Sorry.

DC 10:33
It's ok hun. Everything will be ok

Me 10:39
Thank you. That wave passed. Think I pulled an ab & a few neck muscles that time. I know it'll be better when its all out, but this fucking sucks.

DC 10:40
I know hun. Just get some rest and try to relax

Me 10:41
Ok.

DC 10:42
I'm going to be going sleepies soon anyway. We are leaving around 8am

DC 10:43
Oh and I can leave the tools at D's. I just talked to her

Me 10:49
Great on the tools. G'luck getting up that early, hope you sleep well & feel better tomorrow. I love you ... G'night, sweetie.

DC 10:50
I luv you too, nite hun

--- --- --- ---

Me 11:30p
Sorry, just thought of it. I didn't hear back on this so maybe you didn't get it. J thinks you might still have a key to the apartment, so if you do, he'd like it back. Hope this doesn't wake you. Just can't guarantee I'll be awake early enough to send this in the morning, ya know what I mean?

DC 11:33
Ok hun, I think I may know where it is. Thanks

Me 11:35
Yer welcome. Nie-nie.

Smart

2009-06-13T21:30:00.000-04:00

I actually started this on May 31st, and it's taken a really long time to finally finish it. I felt that one long post was more beneficial to me than a dozen little ones. For example, this lets me see how the ideas & fears meander thru my emotional landscape.

--- --- --- ---

How am I supposed to believe I'm anything positive or worthwhile? Whenever anyone says something good, it just cuts right thru me & feels like another bullshit lie. Someone says, "you look nice today," my immediate thought is "yeah, right". Someone says I'm smart or funny, it rips me apart because I know its not true.

I've tried Optioning it, and that just runs around in circles.

Q... What if you believed you're smart?
A... I'd be lying to myself.

Q... Why do you think its a lie?
A... Cuz it is.

Q... What do you think would happen if you believed you're smart?
A... Then I'd be stupid for thinking that.

Q... Ok. Let's say for the moment that you're stupid.
A... Fuck you.

Q... Why did you say that?
A... Because I don't need anyone else saying I'm stupid.

Q... Ok. Then why do you think you're stupid?
A... Cuz I am.

Q... Give me an example of how you're stupid.
A... I thought this would help, for starters.

Q... Outside. Out in daily life, give me one specific example of something stupid you've done.
A... I believed kurt when he said he'd be a good boss.

Q... So kurt wasn't a good boss?
A... No. He's an ass.

Q... Ok. So you're saying that kurt said he'd be a good boss, but you don't think he is?
A... Yup.

Q... And so you think you're stupid for believing him.
A... Yes.

Q... Do you think he believes he's a good boss?
A... :: snickerage :: oh, yeah, he seems to think he's a *really* good boss. Said I'm incompetent cuz he doesn't know what he's talking about or wants.

Q... Ok. What if kurt's the one that's stupid for thinking he's a good boss but isn't?
A... That'd be great.

Q... Why do you say that?
A... Because a lie's a lot more convincing when the one tellin' it thinks its true.

Q... So you think he lied by saying he's a good boss?
A... Big-time.

Q... How could you have known he was lying?
A... I had a gut feeling he was, but I ignored it cuz I needed the money.

Q... Ok, I gotcha. So you worked for him just for the income?
A... Pretty much, yeah.

Q... Ok. Isn't it pretty smart to make sure you have an income?
A... Well, yeah.

Q... So you were smart to take the job?
A... Kinda. I'm $1600 ahead now, which is a very good thing.

Q... Ok. So you made a good decision to get an income?
A... At the time, yeah.

Q... And now you feel stupid because he lied to you?
A... Yeah.

Q... But you just said you made a smart decision.
A... Yeah, but how many real opportunities did I pass up because I was wasting time on him?

Q... So you think that you missed a better job by taking this one.
A... Maybe ...

Q... Maybe what? Maybe you think that or maybe you missed a better job?
A... I'm saying its possible I missed a "real" opportunity because I wasn't looking. I was looking, just not much cuz this sounded like a great thing, and I spent way too much time on it.

Q... Got it. How long have you been looking for a real job?
A... Almost six years, on & off.

Q... Wow, that seems like a long time.
A... It *feels* like a long time.

Q... And during this time, have you had a lot of success?
A... Uh, no, that's why I'm still looking.

Q... Hmmm. So you haven't been working at all?
A... No, I've worked. I just wanna land somewhere.

Q... What do you mean by "land somewhere"?
A... I mean I wanna find someplace to stay. Somewhere I can make enough to live nicely and stay there for like five-plus years.

Q... Why do you think you've been unable to land?
A... Well, I thought I had several times.

Q... Where?
A... Well, I worked part-time almost two years at TJs. But I left there because it wasn't enough to save my house. MTA sounded good, but they pushed a lot of the costs to employees, so I actually made less working there full-time at a higher hourly rate than part-time at TJs. Then at WTS, the owner was an ass who actually said "I own you from 8a to 5p", and it was too late to catch up financially to save the house or car, and I still had to file for bankruptcy anyway. Then TRA was a total cluster. At least I knew the next several jobs were gonna be temporary. So when I met kurt, I thought I'd found someplace to land, make a lot of money, and do really well. And I was so very wrong.

Q... So you thought you landed five times in six years, but none worked out?
A... Yeah.

Q... How does that mean you're stupid?
A... Because its getting to be a long series of bad career moves, and now it seems no one will touch me cuz of this track record.

Q... I see. Are you the only person you know in this situation?
A... Nope. I know a couple that are, and its on the news all the time how many highly-educated and/or formally successful people are in similar sitches.

Q... Ok. So each time you thought you landed, how could you have known ahead of time that you hadn't?
A... Cuz each time it just felt wrong but looked good, or I stayed after it became clear it wasn't gonna work, also because I "hoped".

Q... So again you ignored your intuition?
A... Yeah.

Q... Is your intuition 100%?
A... LOL! Nope, but its probably around 75 or so. I never really counted.

Q... Ok. So you're saying you're stupid when you ignore your intuition?
A... Yes.

Q... Why do you ignore your intuition?
A... Because at GoL, everything had to be documented, and "it feels right" wasn't an adequate reason. I had to prove stuff out first.

Q... How long did you work there?
A... Almost 10 years. Over 10 if you count being a consultant there first.

Q... That's a long time. Did you have to "prove" things at any other job?
A... Yeah, sorta. To some degree at ICI for three years, and then usually as a consultant for a couple of years.

Q... Ok, so you've had to pre-prove things before taking action at work for over 15 years. Is that correct?
A... Yes.

Q... And did you still have to do that at these subsequent jobs?
A... LOL! No. In fact, that's been the problem at a lot of them.

Q... How so?
A... Well at TJs, I was looking for concrete processes and there aren't any. So I spent a lot of time trying to discover the right formula, so to speak, when a lot of it needs the intuition. But then MTS had a lot of concrete processes that were totally bass-ackwards and counter-productive, and I'd gotten just-enough in touch with my intuition for that to be a bad mix. WTS was very intuition-based, and I needed to "sell" folks on my gut. But after MTA, that was really hard to do. TRA had a lot of processes that were also totally fucked up & couldn't be changed because they were in place to make the Executive Director seem important. Then kurt said he wanted me to use my creativity, but then ripped it all away because my stuff didn't match his vision.

Q... Interesting. So it sounds like you're having trouble recognizing the fact-to-intuition ratio, if you will, and this has led to lots of job-hunting?
A... Yeah, exactly.

Q... Why do you think that is?
A... Cuz the problem is that what these people say they want is very different from what they really want. So if I do what they say, they get the wrong thing. But if I do what I think they want, then I don't have a leg to stand on when its wrong & its insubordination.

Q... Got it. If you follow your intuition and its wrong, there are big consequences right away, but if you do what's directly communicated, then its the same consequences only slower.
A... Zackly.

Q... How do you feel about that?
A... Trapped, stupid, & alone.

Q... Let's look at those separately. What do you mean by trapped?
A... I can't do anything right so I'll always be a failure.

Q... How so?
A... Fucking duh.

Q... Excuse me?
A... I can never give them what they want if I'm too stupid to figure it out.

Q... I'm lost.
A... That's because I'm too stupid to explain it, obviously.

Q... Ok, let's back up. Why did you say you feel alone?
A... Because I'm the fall-gal every freakin' time.

Q... Fall-gal?
A... Yeah. When the shit hits the fan, they need someone to blame, and that person is me.

Q... I think I get it, but just to be sure, give me a concrete example of what you mean at one of these employers?
A... Well, kurt's the most recent. He said he wanted "simple, classic" business cards. But we only had three pieces of information. So I came up with a few ideas, and they were totally wrong because he wanted them to look *exactly* like the ones used in the American Psycho movie.

Q... Had he said that ahead of time?
A... Kinda. He'd mentioned the movie and said "sort of like those". But it sounded like an off-hand comment so it never occurred to me to specifically match them.

Q... So then what happened?
A... He said he liked my ideas, but they weren't what he was looking for, and _then_ sent me the picture of the card.

Q... Ok. What did you do then?
A... I told him that we had three pieces of information whereas this card had five.

Q... What did he say to that?
A... That I was "pushing back" and not being creative enough.

Q... That's an interesting response.
A... That's a lot nicer than my interpretation.

Q... What was your interpretation?
A... That this guy's an idiot and this job's broken, so failure is guaranteed.

Q... So what did you do about that?
A... I stuck it out because of the money, even though I didn't get paid until almost a month into the "job". He also said he was gonna help with DC, which seemed like the fastest way to get back together.

Q... Lemme try to bring this all together. Kurt lied about being a good boss, which your gut warned you about and you ignored for the money. Then when your gut proved to be right, you stuck it out because of the money & his promises to help with getting back together with DC. Right?
A... Yeah.

Q... So how does that make you stupid?
A... Cuz I couldn't find a way to fix it.

Q... So you think the job was broken because of you?
A... No, the job was broken because of him.

Q... Doesn't that make him the one responsible for fixing it?
A... Well, yeah. That & the fact that its his company not mine.

Q... So why do you feel responsible to fix this broken job?
A... Cuz that's my value, its what I do. LOL!

Q... What's so funny?
A... How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Q... I dunno ... How many?
A... One, but the bulb has to want to change.

Q... Ok ...
A... He doesn't wanna change.

Q... And that means what?
A... It means I'm off the hook for being unable to "fix" the sitch.

Q... Well that's good, right?
A... Yeah but ...

Q... But what?
A... There was a lotta stress cuz I didn't recognize that. I mean I did, but only intellectually. I still felt responsible, and took it very personally that things went wrong, and let his assanine judgments "matter". And then when it ended, it really really hurt, & again I felt soooo bad about it! And then I dumped DC cuz I felt so totally worthless.

Q... How would you have liked to feel?
A... It would've been nice to be able to just laugh it off, knowing that I'm fine, and will continue to be fine.

Q... Do you think you can do that now if you run into a similar situation?
A... I dunno.

Q... If you had to guess, what would be your answer.
A... Prolly no.

Q... Why do you say that?
A... Cuz I get so caught up in that damn spiral, and let him blame me.

Q... Why do you accept the blame?
A... Because it feels like I gotta prove I'm not at fault, and that the only way to do that is to do it right.

Q... But how can you do that if the job is broken?
A... I can't. So I just spin faster down the spiral. And it really, really sucks.

Q... What technique would you like to try to stop taking the blame & going down the spiral?
A... I dunno what the options are.

Q... Everyone has to find their own option. What works for one person might not work for another.
A... Well that sucks. :: snickerage ::

Q... Why?
A... Cuz I like easy answers. Tire low? Add air. Done.

Q... We can't really do that here. So, what comes first, the blame or the spiral?
A... The blame.

Q... So what can you do to stop the blame?
A... Well I can't stop him from saying it.

Q... No, probably not. What can you do to not accept the blame?
A... Well, I've been trying to explain or educate, but that doesn't work. Folks tend to take that as me arguing instead.

Q... Ok, so what else could you try?
A... Well, no, actually the spiral comes first.

Q... Meaning ...
A... Meaning I expect them to blame me, so I do a lotta cya and churning and worrying about whether or not I'm doing it right.

Q... Churning?
A... Running it thru my head, like so many moves ahead on a chessgame. If I do this, will he do this or that? And will he like it or blame me? Etc. It also means I'll do & re-do & re-re-do the work trying to figure out what they want before asking for feedback.

Q... Why do you wait for feedback?
A... Cuz once I get anything negative, I'm going down the spiral.

Q... Why's that?
A... Because it proves I'm too stupid to do the job.

Q... Oh, ok. So you start out at the top of the spiral, waiting for the right time to hop on? Which is probably going to be as soon as they give feedback?
A... Yeah, kinda. Only I hop on when I think the blame's gonna start, so when it does, it nudges me along a little faster.

Q... Hmm, interesting.
A... Um, that's one way to put it.

Q... So if you start going down the spiral first, what might you do to stop it?
A... I wish I knew.

Q... I understand that. You say you hop on when you think the blame's going to start, right?
A... Yeah.

Q... How do you do that?
A... I think the churning is the top of the spiral.

Q... Meaning ...
A... I'm circling around the problem, practically incapacitated, because I know the nudge is coming.

Q... How about an example on that.
A... Ok. I trusted myself on the business cards. The multiple revisions were options, not churning. So when he finally gave me the clear vision of what he was looking for, the spiral started. So in that case, the blame came first. But then the next revision, trying to match these American Psycho cards, I *knew* I was gonna fail, so revisions were churning, and feedback was both blaming & nudging me faster on the spiral. So when the flyer project hit, I was pretty far down the spiral, completely distrusted him, and kept going over & over it in my head so getting stuff to him for review took forever. Plus, any feedback just pissed me off cuz it was usually basic stuff that he should've been able to give me at the start.

Q... How did you know you were going to fail?
A... Because we had three pieces of info but those cards have five fields. And there was no logical way to break up kurt's info to fill up five spots.

Q... Did you tell him this?
A... Yeah, like I said earlier, that's the first time I got the "push back" & that if I didn't share his vision I should find another job speech.

Q... But you stayed with it for the money & promise to help bring DC here.
A... Yeah. So I guess that's why I got so mad at DC. I put myself thru all this bullshit for him. He asked me to stay for him, for us. Hell, he ordered & badgered me to stay. It seems like whenever I do anything for us, it hurts me or fucks me over. Like kurt, he says to do what I think is best, but then when I don't do it right (meaning his way or the only outcome he thinks is acceptable doesn't happen), I'm just a stupid lying bitch cunt whore who never gave a shit about him & I'm too much of a childish, selfish bitch to think of anyone other than myself. Then when I try to discuss what happened, he says let's just forget it & move on. Meanwhile, he's out drinking, partying, & freeloading off of friends instead of doing anything to get himself here or take responsibility for himself.

Q... Wow. You covered a lot of territory there. How do you think your interactions with DC impacted your interactions with kurt?
A... Lotsa ways. Due to the abuse, I've lost my self-confidence & don't bother standing up for myself anymore. So when someone does something hurtful, I'm just stuck & hafta take it. Plus since my whole reason for staying with kurt was to get back with DC, I felt like I couldn't take action without talking to him first. And when DC would say do what you think is best, well, I knew that if I left kurt & it took awhile for us to get DC here, it'd be a whole 'nother stupid lying bitch cunt whore who never cared scenario. So I could either take it now from kurt, or really get it later from DC. Knowing my luck nowadays, both.

Q... Why do you say your luck would mean both?
A... DC sabotaged my job at TRA by the whole "stupid lying bitch cunt whore" crap, so I had to spend my time being ready to communicate with him at a moment's notice rather than concentrate on work. Then when they got rid of me, he got pissed because I didn't care enough about him to do the job right so we had money to live off of.

Q... Um, I'm quite confused. You keep saying DC is abusive, emotionally and physically. That doing things for him or the "we" you get screwed over. And that he sabotages your efforts to do things well.
A... Yep.

Q... Why is it so important for you to get back with him?
A... Right this second I don't.

Q... Excuse me?
A... I'm very moody, and prone to extremes. One moment I can't imagine life without him and have a desperate aching need to be with him, and then something will happen and I want to die, and then something else will happen and I hate him.

Q... Um, ok. Meaning what as far as getting back together with him?
A... I don't know.

Q... If you had to guess, what would it mean?
A... If I had a reasonable guess, then I'd know, wouldn't I?

Q... I can see your logic there. I'm just trying to understand.
A... So am I.

Q... What would you like to happen?
A... I'd like it if we could be two adults in a cohesive partnership.

Q... What would that look like?
A... No more abuse, no more weird-ass outta-nowhere temper tantrums (his or mine), no more taking things personally and assuming the worst, etc.

Q... Ok, that's what it's not. What would it be?
A... Awesome.

Q... Will you give me a specific example?
A... Gimme a minute to think, please.

Q... Ok.

...

A... Alright, thanks for waiting. Keep in mind I'm not saying we'd be perfect. We'd still have fears & doubts, and stuff. We'd just be able to be there for each other.

Q... How so?
A... Well, like last night. He said "brb" in a text, and after 10 minutes I gave up waiting and sent him a nasty message about how I felt like I didn't matter and he should get someone more his speed.

Q... That's an interesting response. How would you have preferred to respond?
A... Oh, there are so many ways better than that!

Q... Like what?
A... Well for starters, I know that AT&T sometimes loses messages. Maybe he sent me a message and I didn't get it. So checking in with him to see if that happened.

Q... Any other response you would've preferred?
A... Checking in to see if he was alright. Maybe something happened.

Q... Sounds reasonable. Anything else come to mind?
A... Well, maybe actually addressing _why_ I said that. Like I said it in a text this morning. Just say I hadn't heard back in a while and it's triggering my insecurities.

Q... So why did you take the action you did?
A... Because the insecurities took over. They've been building for a couple of days, and he's been too busy to bother with me, so I haven't bugged him on it. Well, it was finally just too much.

Q... Why did you say he was too busy to "bother" with you?
A... Cuz that's how it feels. Like I'm so low on his priorities that he'd just be wasting his time on me.

Q... Has he said that?
A... Not directly, no.

Q... What has he said?
A... That he's busy and getting a lot done.

Q... Do you believe he's telling the truth?
A... Sometimes.

Q... Why sometimes?
A... He also says I'm his number one priority. If that's true, then how come everything else gets more attention than me?

Q... Have you asked him that?
A... Yeah. He said that he's got to take care of himself, too, that he has to be able to survive until we can get back together.

Q... How did you respond to that?
A... Um, yeah.

Q... Meaning ...
A... Meaning that I said that makes sense, take care of you, blah blah blah.

Q... But?
A... But I was pissed as hell at that.

Q... How come?
A... Because for over a year, I've gotten the "stupid lying bitch cunt whore who's too selfish to care about anyone else" speech anytime I thought I mattered, anytime I did anything that put myself ahead of him. So how come he can go ahead and do that?

Q... Did you discuss this with him?
A... Yeah. He said that I was breaking the promise that we wouldn't bring up the past and use it against each other. That we'd agreed to start fresh and move forward.

Q... What did you think about that response?
A... Big fucking deal.

Q... Meaning ...
A... Meaning that that's easy for him to say. He's not the one that's never mattered to anyone. He's not the one called all those horrible names just for trying to survive. He's not the one that got strangled, fingers sprained, joints knocked out of place, etc.

Q... That's quite the list.
A... Yeah it is.

Q... Is he the one that did those things?
A... Yep.

Q... Given this history, why did you agree to drop the past and start fresh?
A... Because I know there's a great guy under all that bullshit somewhere, and I've gone through a lot of expense, time, and physical & emotional pain to meet him.

Q... Then why didn't you start fresh?
A... Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me. Well, we're like on round 478 or something.

Q... Is there something different this time that led you to agree to this promise?
A... Yeah. He "woke up" as he put it. The first month and a half we were living apart were still pretty horrible, but then it was like all of a sudden that great guy was emerging and it was great to hear.

Q... How long has this guy been emerging?
A... About a month and a half.

Q... When did you make the promise?
A... About a month and a half ago :: snickerage ::

Q... Do you think this is genuine?
A... Absolutely. I mean, I had my doubts at first, but yeah, it seems like the awesome guy I've been waiting for has finally arrived.

Q... How does that relate to the insecurities you felt that past few days, and last night's outburst?
A... Cuz that's just the way it goes.

Q... Um, I don't understand.
A... Every major boyfriend, Ken, Michael, and Christian, all promised they'd stay with me. So I helped every one of them to be the best they could be as they wanted to be, not like I was molding them into "my" vision of who they should be.

Q... Not seeing the connection, yet.
A... Not too long after their 'great guy' persona arrived, they left me.

Q... So you were afraid DC would do that, too?
A... Yep. And all of them mentally and emotionally checked out before leaving me, just like DC's doing now. Well, just like it feels like he's doing now. He says he isn't.

Q... And do you believe him?
A... I don't know. :: snickerage :: I know ... if I had to guess, right?

Q... :: laughs :: yes, please.
A... :: crying :: yes and no.

Q... Why do you say that?
A... Because he sounds so sincere. I think he actually believes it's true. But no because why would someone like him want to be with someone like me?

Q... Why are you crying?
A... Because I so badly wanna believe it but it hurts too much to.

Q... How does it hurt? Will you describe it to me?
A... :: sniff sniff :: Um, it feels like my head is gonna explode, there's incredible tension & tinglies in my neck, my ears are ringing and have stabbing pains, my stomach's in knots, and I wanna run & hide but I can't move.

Q... Sounds like a pretty intense response.
A... Yup. I'd use the term overwhelming, actually.

Q... What would you do if it didn't hurt like this?
A... I'd figure out some way to go to him and make this work.

Q... So part of you is glad for the separation.
A...

Q... Um, why are you silent?
A... Cuz I shouldn't be glad we're separated.

Q... What do you mean?
A... I mean that I should be happy to be with him, but I'm not.

Q... Why not?
A... Because of the abuse history.

Q... I see. Anything else?
A... He just seems to be doing so much better off without me. And that *really* hurts. Here I was trying so hard and it's obvious I screwed up so bad.

Q... Did you try to discuss this with him?
A... Yeah.

Q... How'd that go?
A... Not good.

Q... What happened?
A... He got pissed at me for even thinking that. Then later he said that wasn't telling me all the bad stuff he feels because he's trying so hard to keep things positive so he won't add any stress or worry on top of everything else I'm going thru.

Q... What do you think of that?
A... Well fucking duh, don't ya think its stressful to know how great it's going without me?

Q... What did he say to that?
A... I didn't actually say that.

Q... What did you say?
A... I don't remember, but it was something backoffish and spineless.

Q... Why did you handle it that way?
A... Cuz it was easier.

Q... Easier how?
A... If I just acquiesce, then the fight's likely to be over sooner.

Q... Is that strategy working for you?
A... Not really.

Q... Why not?
A... Because then it's not resolved for me so we fight about it again. But then he's even angrier because we covered it before.

Q... How do you feel about that?
A... Stupid & worthless.

Q... What do you mean by worthless?
A... I mean that I'm not worth standing up for.

Q... You look like you're about to cry again.
A... Yup.

Q... Why?
A... Because this feels awful. I know, awful how ;-) ... my stomach, chest, and throat feel like they're burning up, I'm light-headed, my jaw & neck are really tight, and my ass is waiting.

Q... Waiting for what?
A... Getting spanked or whipped.

Q... How come?
A... Because that's what happens to little girls who think they're worthless. They get thrown to the ground, stepped on, and belted until there's nothing left, all the while hearing that she has to learn what worthless really feels like.

Q... Did DC do this?
A... No, dad did. And when the dog tried to protect me, mom took her away and punished her for doing that.

--- --- --- ---

At this point, I burst into uncontrollable wracking sobs for over an hour. Stopped for a bit, then cried for a bit more, etc. The rest of the weekend has been a scary, joyful ride of exploration ... who am *I* ... what do *I* want ... what do *I* like ...

Optioning

2009-06-12T19:33:00.000-04:00

Clarifying Questions
To identify and/or specify what is being explored

What would you like to explore?
What is an example of that? (to elicit a singular, specific experience)
What do you mean by that? (to clarify the meaning of words and expressions)
How do you feel about that?
What things? (to elicit lists of objects, people, places, experiences, ideas, feelings, etc.)
What does that mean to you?
What are you thinking?
What changed?

Questioning Reasons for Feelings and Behaviors
To search for the belief(s) that generate an Explorer's feelings and behavior

Why do you feel that way?
Why are you about that?
If you took a guess, what would your answer be?
What do you think would happen if you didn't feel that way?
What do you think would've happened if you hadn't done that?
Why are you doing that?
Why are you ?

Question Reasons for Belief
To help the Explorer confirm his/her beliefs and/or identify the reasons for discarding them, changing them, or continuing to hold them

Why do you believe that?
Do you believe that?
What do you think would happen if you didn't believe that?
If you took a guess, what would your answer be?

Closure Questions
To determine if the Explorer has come to a point of resolution, changed a belief or behavior, or become happier

Do you feel finished with that?
How do you feel?
How do you feel about that?
Is there anything else about that you would like to explore?
Will you do that?

Continuation Question
If there is more time, begin again

What would you like to explore next?

6.11.2009

2009-06-12T13:15:00.002-04:00

Me 9:22a
So let me get this straight ... I put up with way worse bullshit than this way more frequently, and waited 18mths for you to heal & finally be my boyfriend. Now that its my turn to heal, you won't put up w/ it for even 3mths. If that's the case, then yes, we are thru, and thank you for proving all those other people right about you. You also said I was moping for the first 18 months. Well, yeah! Look at it from my side. I was _waiting_ for you -while- you were abusive! I never knew when you'd lash out how much physically and/or emotionally or why, and as you say so much now, when I did nothing wrong. So yeah, I was mopey. Now I'm finally able to heal from my past *while* healing from us _and_ you won't be there for me because you say my healing & emotional needs are bullshit?! That really hurts, and once again would prove all those people right about you & I'm so very sorry I didn't leave you right away.

Me 9:39
So my question is this ... Are you willing to be there for me now that I can finally begin to heal while you're putting your life together? If you're willing to support me emotionally now that I can finally begin to heal, I'll stay with you. But if you're not, then we are done. I love you and have given you more than everything because I had faith in you. If you won't help me heal now, then I was wrong. Was I? You tell me ...

Me 10:04
All these rampant emotions and fears are me showing you those big scary monsters because I'm trusting you'll help me tame them if not outright slay them. I gave you a year & a half of 24/7 close support to trust me enough to deal with yours. I basically started a month & a half ago and I have to do this with you hundreds of miles away, meaning my only support from you is texts and a phone call every once in a while. And I'm living in the very environment that created the monsters to start with! If you were in this situation and I was so far away & hard to get to, how quickly would you have healed? How much trust could you have put in me to help you? How scared and alone would you feel? How would ultimatums of "get over it or I'm done" feel to you? Would that help you to trust me & get better? Or would that push you further inward and feed the monsters?

Me 10:58
Please know that I am in no way saying I was Mother Theresa during our first 18mths. I did & said things that fed your monsters, too. I even did & said things that made your monsters attack. And for all of my mis-steps, I'm very sorry. All I'm trying to say is that I made myself available for all that time to help you be the best 'you' possible, while my needs went almost completely unmet because I trusted that the best possible you was a terrific person who'd be there for me "someday". That day is finally dawning for me. But I don't get to touch you or talk to you. I have to hide in my room & create this safe, healing environment in my head. So yes, I'm needier now than I've ever been & I specifically need you. But the only support I can have is these texts. I'm sorry if that's too much of a burden to you because that means I put my trust & faith in the wrong person, wasting my time & energy, and yours.

Me 12:47p
Could I have handled it better last night? Absolutely. Had I been rational instead of taken over by monsters, I would've said "I haven't heard back & its triggering my insecurities." What I can't handle on my own, what I want your help with, is these monsters. When I said I can't do 'this' anymore, I meant I need you and the support & security you provide. But I wasn't rational. I lashed out. Just like you did for 18mths when your monsters took over. Is it right or fair I did that? No. Is it human & part of this horrible process? Sadly, yes. I need you, which you've asked for. Now that I do, you're not here. No blame, just a fact. So my decision comes down to this. Either you're the man I believed in or you're not. Either way I hava lotta work to do, just different work. Will you be as 'here' for me as I need? No cuzza the distance. Will you be here enough? Maybe. So ... Are you willing to be here for me?

Me 12:49
If I don't hear back from you by the "make your decision" deadline, I'll assume you're not willing to help me thru this. I'm alone at the storage unit if you'd like to call instead of text.

--- --- --- ---

Me 3:00p
Don't wanna take up yer time. Just wanna thank you for talking instead of texting. I need to feel connected to you, and while texting is convenient, it doesn't really help with that. If it works for you, I'd like to find a way to talk a couple times a week. It doesn't hafta be long chats, just enough to calm me down cuz I can hear you. I know you're busy, so just think about it & get back to me when you can. Thx, hunnie.

Me 3:24
Hey ... Uhaul says around $350 & 447 miles, Budget says $188 & unlimited miles. Printed the quotes to PDFs. Lemme know if you'd like me to eMail 'em to ya. Pickup in Charlotte & dropoff in Woodbridge for both.

DC 3:25
Ty hun

Me 3:26
Yer welcome.

Me 4:22
From James: Sure. I'm on days, so it'll have to be in the afternoon. I still have the dresser, too, but it was here long enough to count as abandoned and i told an incoming roomie that he could use it. If danny still wants it back, he can have it in september.

DC 4:24
Ok cool, I don't want it. I will get them for you

Me
Ok, thx.

Me 5:21
Ben just fell down the stairs again. That's why I walk just in front of her so I can catch & calm her. She hasn't gotten hurt yet but I'm concerned she will :-(

DC 5:22
That sucks

Me
:: sniff :: yup.

DC 5:24
I hope she is ok

Me
Yeah, she is. Just old.

DC 5:28
Well back to work I go

Me 5:30
:: snickerage :: enjoy ... James found all the toolz. They're still in the patio closet where I left 'em. He said the pluggie-innie thingie isn't there, so its either in one of the bags you already have or got thrown out.

DC
Ok

Me 5:31
Buh bye for now, baby.

DC
Bye

--- --- --- ---

DC 5:59p
They are on their way home and want to go dinner asap so I wanted to text you before dinner

Me 6:00
Ok, hun. Thx for thinking of me :-) ... Bought Ben the orange Harley leash instead of the black Bad to the Bone one.

DC 6:01
Cool, does she like it?

Me 6:02
Dunno yet. Haven't gotten back to the house to show her. At the grocery store now to get next week's work schedule.

DC 6:03
Oh ok

Me
Can't find the breakroom where the schedule is :-( ...

DC 6:04
Thats not good

Me 6:05
Nope. Trying not to feel like an idiot, but that's not working well :-(

DC
Sorry hun

Me 6:06
Thx. Not your fault, its mine.

DC
Well I'm sure you will find it

Me 6:07
Yeah, I just asked someone. No wonder I couldn't find it!

DC
Why?

Me 6:10
Go thru the double doors R of the meat counter, not on the L. Then go straight thru the big locked looking brown steel doors. Then turn R & go thru the door that says Danger! Electrical!, all the way to the end of the hall.

DC 6:11
Wow

Me 6:12
:: snickerage :: yep. Don't feel bad about it at all now :-D

DC 6:13
You shouldn't

Me
:: shrug :: guess not. I'm scheduled for 27 hrs next week!

DC 6:14
Cool

Me 6:16
I guess. I make the same amount whether I work 8 hours or 40 cuzza how the unemployment works. So I'm hoping to wow 'em w/ my mad skills & get promoted ;-)

DC 6:18
Yep, thats a good way to think hun

Me 6:19
Thank you :-) ... I went ahead & sent the Budget & U-Haul quotes & links. Didn't know when you'd need 'em and whether I'd be at the computer cuzza the errands.

DC 6:20
Oh ok, thanks hun

Me 6:22
Yer welcome. Let Daph know its prolly a go this weekend, so she's aware of it. I didn't say when cuz I dunno that. Hope that was ok.

DC 6:23
Yeah, thats fine hun

Me 6:24
Coolness.

DC 6:25
This is going to be a long weekend

Me
*nods* I know, baby. Sorry I can't help.

DC 6:26
Its ok

DC 6:27
Well they just got home. I will let you know whats going on when I know, ok?

Me 6:28
That was gross. I was walking into the backyard, Bene behind me. I thought of something & turned arounf while lifting up my R arm. My finger went right up her nose!

Ok, sweetie. Hope dinner's good & the planning works out. Buh bye for now.

DC 6:30
Thats funny

Me
That's cuz its not *your* finger ...

DC 6:31
Ok hun, bye

Me
Buhbyez.

DC
Thats right

--- --- --- ---

DC 9:50p
Hey hun, what are you up to?

Me 9:51
Watching dad finally put the screen in my window. You?

Have I mentioned lately how the 'verse hates me? Well, Facebook, anywayz. The "real age" test says I'm 59 ... The "which musical leading lady are you" came up with Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz?! If that's true, I'm gonna get some ruby red slippers so I can click my heels to get to you right-frickin-now :-D ... But I'm only 81% evil & am somehow a Smallville genius (by osmosis, perhaps? Long-distance osmosis?) ... Oh, and I'd be Edward Scissorhands if I was a Tim Burton character. Pardon me, but wtf? I *know* I'm a bit moody right now, but this all seems to be just a tad ridiculous.

DC 9:52
Just sitting at chili's having a beer, LOL

Me
:: snickerage :: enjoy!

DC 9:53
Yeah

DC 9:54
Yeah, I'm going to get back and go to sleep I think. I'm not feeling well

Me 9:55
Sorry you don't feel well again :-( ... Shmoochies on yer forehead?

DC
Ty

Me 9:56
Yer welcome. Now I can have the window wide open. Hopefully that'll be better for Ben :: crossing paws ::

DC 9:57
Yeah, she gets hot so easy

Me
I was thinking of getting my nips pierced. If I do it soonish, they'll prolly be healed by the time we're together again. Whattathink?

Me 9:58
*nods* she was panting so hard the other night there was a huge puddle on the Pergo :-(

DC 9:59
Thats up to you. Whos going to do it?

Damn

Me 10:00
Dunno, yet. I was gonna ask my friend Dee if she could recommend anyone. If she's healthy enough, she may even do it herself for free.

Yeah. I *soaked* a towel cleaning it up. And then the mother figure turned on the frickin' heat again.

DC
Cool

DC 10:01
Damn, is she crazy?

Me 10:02
*nods* she does good work :-) ... But I'd rather do it when you're around. It just seems like something couplish since I've already waited this long, ya?

F'duh. ;-)

Oops. Ya know. Forgot the last word ... Sorry.

DC 10:03
I like that idea better

Huh?

Me
Me, too, baby. Whether a guy or girl does it, I'd just rather you were part of it.

Me 10:04
Huh what? There's a couple messages that could go to.

DC 10:05
About forgetting the last word

Me 10:06
Ah. The piercing thing. "It just seems like something couplish since I've already waited this long, ya?" Is what I wrote but the word "know" shoulda been there.

Me 10:08
Ending a sentence with "ya" makes me sound like a total Michigander. Although I caught myself saying "aboot" for about when we were on the phone earlier ;-)

DC 10:09
Ok, LOL

Me 10:10
:: snickerage :: its not like nobody knoz I'm from Michigin, eh? Its all aboot whatcha say anywayz, ya?

DC 10:12
Yeah, LOL

Me
And now I can set my phone & drink on the window ledge without worrying they'll fall 10' or catch bugs. Its *really* cooling off in here :-D

DC 10:14
Thats good, I hope it helps you sleep

Me
dittage. If it helps Ben sleep, it'll help me sleep, methinks.

DC 10:17
Yeah, I won't need any help sleeping tonight. I'm tired, not feeling well and pretty sleepy. I need to rest with what I have coming

Me 10:18
*nods* I really hope you sleep well.

Me 10:20
Warning ... Weird-ass mood flying in from outta the blue ... Hope it passes soon. So far I'm not likin' it at all. I'm gonna *try* to keep it to myself.

DC 10:36
Sorry hun. My phone just locked up

Me
Thx. It happens, I know ... ;-)

DC
I couldn't use it at all

DC 10:37
That was wierd

Me
Sorry ... Sounds like the new phone is only "kinda" better :-(

*nods* I'll bet.

DC 10:38
Yeah

DC 10:42
We are on the way to thd house

Me
Ok. Yer going seepie-byes pretty much right away, right?

DC 10:44
Yeah, sorry I feel so bad

Me 10:45
Sorry, hun. I just want you to feel well. What's wrong? Tum-tum again? I'm sure the muskles are still sore ... Anything else?

DC 10:46
Head and throat

Me 10:47
Eeep! Not good :-( ...

DC
Yeah

Me 10:49
The good news is you havanother care package waiting for you at Daph's, some of which will help if the symptoms are allergy icks. But you don't have it *now*.

DC
Right

DC 11:00
You there hun?

Me
Haven't heard anything in awhile. Of course, I don't have much to say so I haven't sent anything, either ;-)

:: snickerage :: yup! You chimed in just as I was pressing send.

DC
Oh ok

DC 11:01
Ok

Me 11:02
I was hungrier (and ate more) than usual today. No clue why. Just something that happens, I guess, huh?

DC
Well we will be back at the house soon. It will be nite nite time soon

Me
Ok, baby. Happy seepie-byes.

DC 11:03
Yeah, I have those days too

You too hun

Me
Thx. Buhbyez, baby.

DC 11:04
Bye hun

Sex

2009-06-12T12:01:00.007-04:00

I feel that anything sexual that _involves_ him is *from* him. Ok, so he's a minute man. Big deal. Oral sex is still sex, and it builds our connection. If he used the vibrator on me, its still him pleasuring me, as far as I'm concerned. If he watches me (especially if he directs me) do it all myself, then its still "him" and the connection is strengthened.

I can see all of this but he doesn't. I would like to feel comfortable enough for him to watch me (although he'll prolly find shyness kinda sexy). I'd also like to think its ok to masturbate since he's the one not interested in sex. Right now it just feels wrong to do anything like this without him. Well, not right this second cuz we're living apart, but when we're living together it feels like I'm cheating or something. I just feel really awful taking care of myself this way without him being involved somehow.

I'd also like to think that its not my fault; its not cuz I'm old, fat, ugly, stupid, etc., its just his sexual drive level. Sure he told me about this before he even came up to Ohio. But when a man says he has a lower sex drive than usual, once a month isn't exactly what comes to mind, ya know? And then add in that he's a minute man *and* that he can only cum once a day? Jeez Louise! How can someone this frickin' HOT be this asexual? I just don't get it ...

My Ideal Relationship

2009-06-12T12:01:00.004-04:00

In theory, my ideal "marriage" or committed relationship would be a blend of Taken in Hand and BDSM. A little more than just spanking than Taken in Hand, but not as gamey or play-actish as BDSM.

I'd love to be his sensual submissive! I get that he was abused & is uncomfy with the ouchies, but how come the sensual stuff's off-limits, too? Kinda makes me wonder if he really *was* Mr. AlphaSub, ya know? Maybe he's just talking a good game and has enough natural talent to have gotten away with it all this time. Hey, I've heard of this kinda thing. I just melt and get all excited thinking of him tying me up, teasing me, "domming" me, all sensually. Knowing him there'd be more than a few overly sensual things thrown in for good measure, too ;-)

I so totally wanna be spanked, paddled, flogged, whipped, and yes, electro-shocked by him. I want it as punishment *and* as play. I want punishment as play. I want "too much" play as punishment. I just wanna be his plaything. But ... he seems to have like _no_ libido. Does that mean he's totally uninterested? Or just has erection or ejaculation troubles?

Why can't he last longer? Maybe if he slowed down instead of jack-rabbiting? Also, the *one* time he lasted longer, he threw me off of him & said there was no point since he wasn't gonna cum. WTF?! Why not let me enjoy it & he can watch the show & enjoy how it feels? Ok, so maybe if I actually *was* a bit more submissive I'd be ok with that ;-)

I even wanna be *his* submissive. And not for just play, but not so much as being a slave or anything. I want to make him happy. I want to actually _see_ him happy. And I want to be able to be happy around him, because of him, because of what I do to or for him. Ok, other than just making waffles ;-)

I want him to "use" me for stress relief. Fuck me, suck me, whip me, flog me, spank me, tie me up, tickle me, torture me, whatever. Just get out his frustrations and use my responses as his vehicle for catharsis. I want to help him feel powerful over me, which in turn I hope makes him feel powerful against whatever it is that's bothering him.

I want that same feeling I had that very first day when he grabbed my hair. And I want it often.

I want him to take control & spank me when I get too wound up, start the downward spiral, act disrespectful, put myself down, etc. Same for stress relief, helping me relax for seepie-byes, etc.

And then there's pre-emptive positive reinforcement before troublesome situations. The 'scolding' is like
"I'm helping you break down those barriers now so you can relax & have fun at Alloy."
-ok-
"These people *want* to talk to you. Got it?"
-yes sir-
"Tell me that these people want to talk to you."
-these people wanna talk to me-
"Say it again"
... then move into the 'real' spanking where I let out the blockage, and when he's finally satisfied I'm ready, he comforts me, gently saying, "there, there, its ok, precious ... you ready to enjoy the night now?"

But if I respond "no," well, then ... who knows what he'll come up with ;-)

And then there's all the promises I've made that keep getting lost, forgotten, are just too hard, or I willfully break them. I want him to punish me, thoroughly, to get me to keep these promises. To help me remember them. To internalize this respectful and loving behavior. If this was just Taken in Hand based, this would just be lectures, spankings, or other mundane (but effective) disciplinary tools. But add in the BDSM elements, and the sky's the limit! Spankings, floggings, whippings, tie me up & let me think about it, punish/torture my breasts or genitals, ...

Damn, I'm hotter than hell just thinking about this! I really hope he not only considers my request, but at actually at least gives it a thorough try (like a few months) before saying no to the idea. I'm betting that once he starts, he'll discover how good it can be for him, too, and we'll keep on doing it.

A Scary Monster

2009-06-12T09:19:00.001-04:00

I wrote this last night but didn't send it for a couple reasons. First, what I believe is most important is that *I* recognize what's happening so I can deal with it. Second, he really does have a lot going on and an insight like this would probably either be an unwelcome distraction or go in one eye & out the other ;-)

--- --- --- ---

This is an FYI & I'm not asking you to do anything. Here's why I get insecure when we don't talk, I feel disconnected, or you delay: All 3 prior "committed" BFs said they'd always be w/ me. So I lived w/ the good & bad, helping each be the best "him" he could be. All 3 "checked out" mentally & emotionally just before dumping me, which they did *after* starting a new relationship. This looked similar to what we're going thru; they were too busy to get in touch or we couldn't connect due to distance. Intellectually I know both are true for us & why. I desperately wanna believe & trust emotionally, but feel stupid trusting _me_. I know you're not them, hun. But this is the pattern. I'm scared its *my* pattern; even tho' you're not them, I'm scared you're looking & are gonna leave cuz I'm still me; make sense? See, not everything is about *you*, either, baby :-). Tada! You've just met a scary monster.

6.10.2009

2009-06-11T01:07:00.001-04:00

Me 12:23p
G'mornin'. Hope you slept well and your day is successful & productive. I owe you an apology, hunnie. Please read *all* of this before responding, ok? I'm sorry I haven't made it clear how important "connecting" with you is. Like my moods. The earlier in the day and/or more I hear from you, the better my mood. Hard to believe, I know ;-). The more "real talk" we have (more personal than weather), the more connected I feel, so the better my mood. So when I hear that you're waking up earlier but I still don't hear from you til mid-afternoon, its a little ouchie. Then I hear that you're taking a break from taking care of Sam & Nora's *stuff*, I feel like a low priority, and hurt & alone. But what if you're taking care of *you*? Doing those things helps you feel useful? I still miss you & am sad, but its ok. So ... Baby, I'm sorry I let myself spiral out of control without checking in & assumed badly of you.

DC 12:26
Ok hun, I'm sorry if I haven't given you the time you needed

Me 12:27
Thank you. :: sniff ::

DC 12:28
It's just that I have been trying to get things done, you know

Me 12:31
I know. Well, now I do. I'm still so depressed that it seemed like getting things done was an excuse to not talk to me. Silly, I know. But hey ... At least I'll admit it now *and* apologize ;-)

DC 12:33
I understand hun

Me 12:35
Thank you, again. Sorry to interrupt your day. I just didn't wanna forget to bring it up. Its important for me to let you know cuz you're important to me.

DC 12:36
Ok, I am kinda busy with stuff though

Me 12:37
Okey dokes. That's why I said sorry for interrupting ;-). Buh bye for now, baby.

DC
Bye hun

--- --- --- ---

DC 3:25p
Hey hun, what are you doing?

Me 3:26
Reading. What're you up to today?

DC 3:27
Taking a break, I hurt my wrist moving stuff around in here

Me 3:28
Sorry to hear that. What are you putting in place today?

DC 3:29
Boxes and stuff

Me
Gotcha.

DC 3:31
Yeah, there is still alot to do :-(

Me 3:32
Sorry. Sounds like they're "stuff" people like me ;-) ... So at least you've had alotta recent practice dealing with it.

DC 3:33
Yep

Me 3:34
I've lost 5# in 3 days.

DC
Why?

Me
Dunno.

DC 3:35
Ok

Me 3:36
My guess is that its the brownie-week bloating going buhbyez and/or the new happy-now supplement is also a weight-loss supplement.

DC 3:37
Yeah, that makes sence

Me 3:43
Anything else going on for you?

DC 3:44
Not as of now

Me
Ok.

Me 3:48
I'm guessing you're busy again.

DC 3:49
Starting to be. I have to get this stuff moved somewhere, LOL

Me
Ok. Buh bye for now.

DC 3:50
Bye baby

--- --- --- ---

DC 6:49p
Ok, I'm done for the day. I'm pooped, LOL

Me
:: snickerage :: didja get a lot done?

DC 6:52
Yep, I have the boxes so organised that they will have no problem going thru them

Me
Awesome :-)

DC 6:53
I just saw the funniest thing ever.

Me
Which is?

DC 6:55
A little boy was having an attitude with his mom. She told him to loose the attitude or he wasn't getting in the car

Me
Um, ok ...

DC 6:56
They started to drive away then stopped. The next thing I see is the dad and the boy walking back to the apartments

Me 6:57
Uh oh ...

DC 7:00
Yep, the kid was maybe 4 or 5. He was crying his head off. The dad just walked by with his head down, laughing his ass off

Me 7:01
Oh jeez :: snickerage :: I'll bet for both of 'em ...

DC 7:02
Yep. So what do you have going on tonight?

Me
Nothin'.

DC 7:03
Really? No computing?

Me
Not really. Maybe I futz on the computer. I dunno.

DC 7:07
Ok, well we are doing dinner then god knows what. I will let you know more when I do

Me 7:09
Ok, hun. I'm glad you get to enjoy yourself. It seems to be helping your mood & productivity bunches. Hope dinner's good and whatever else y'all choose to do.

DC
Ty hun

Me 7:10
Yer welcome. Buh bye for now.

DC
Bye hun

--- --- --- ---

Me 8:31p
Speaking of kid funnies ... The screaming little brat next door that wakes me up before 7a is named ... Layla.

DC 8:32
Thats not funny. Thats my favorite clapton song, LOL

Me
:: snickerage :: which is why I find it funny. I'm hoping she'll grow into the name ;-)

DC 8:33
Me too

Me
Anywayz, didn't wanna take up yer time. Just had to share. Buhbyez, hun.

DC 8:34
Ty hun, bye

--- --- --- ---

DC 10:23p
Hey hun, what are you up to?

Me 10:24
Nothin' much. You?

DC 10:25
Just stepped outside to get some air. It's hot at the bar tonight

Me
:: snickerage :: how'd I know that's where you were ...

DC 10:26
I don't know

LOL

Me
Uh huh ...

Me 10:27
You're going to be so bored when we get back together :-(

DC
So what are you doing?

No I won't

Me 10:28
Computering. I'm mad at limewire. I paid for the pro version, but it won't install, and they're saying its non-refundable.

Me 10:29
Well, maybe if we're not here. Like if I can go somewhere you know folks so you can still go out.

DC
Damn

Me
Yeah.

DC
Ok

Brb

Me 10:42
Nevermind. Clearly your life's too fun/busy to include me. Phones off. Sorry I thought I mattered for a minute. I'm over that now. Find someone more your speed.

DC 11:02 (this is when I turned the phone back on; dunno when it was really sent)
I told you I would brb. I had to run to the car to get something and its pouring down rain so I left my phone with them so it wouldn't get wet. I'm sick of this shit though, just cause I have other things going on you get all bent out of shape. Its like this, you want to go then go. I can't keep doing this with you

Me 11:07
How long until I matter to you? I can't wait much longer. Everyone & everything else is more important. Obviously you don't want to talk to me, cuz if you did, you would. But you don't. I tell you what I need & you ignore it. I'm glad you're happy, but it didn't occur to me that it would be at my expense.

Michelle

2009-06-10T17:19:00.003-04:00

Back in March/April, I started looking for other spankos to get a stress relief session. For those couple of weeks when DC & I weren't really a couple at the moment, I was also searching for like-minded dates.

One of the folks I contacted was Michelle. She's different. She's amazing. A lot of folks out there are about the sex or the domination. Michelle, on the other hand, is a mom. More like an alternative therapist. Discuss your issues, get one heckuva thrashing, then lots of hugs & tenderness. A very releasing and re-building experience, I must say. One thing you'll see on her web-site is that there are no cute hottie's getting spanked pictures, no subscriptions to buy or movies to watch. To see what I mean, click on her name in the title and you'll go to her web-site.

I met her for a session on DC's birthday, May 4th. We talked a lot about my situation and she voiced her opinions in a non-judgmental and very loving & supportive way. She also made sure to ask me what it is I wanted to do.

Then over her knee I went, bare bottom in the air. She doesn't believe in warm-ups, and her hand had me squirming and saying "ouch!" from the get-go. As she was spanking me, she addressed the two issues we'd chosen to work on, feeling ok with being wanted and my deep need to just die.

And then Michelle brought out the hairbrush. Didn't take long for her to take me to too much from there. I totally lost my composure and ability to stay still for the spanking in less than a minute, I'm guessing. I know, I'm a wuss ;-)

When she took me to the couch, I buried my head in the cushions and screamed "I miss him so much!" thru the sobs. Needless to say, that was not the reaction I was expecting, and I had a lot on my mind on the hour-plus drive back to my parents' house.

Talked with DC on the phone, and I'm sure he was wondering what the heck had happened because I was so open and caring. Unfortunately, he's quite adamant that no one else will spank me, even though he won't do it himself. So, he doesn't know about this session.

Or the one I'm planning for next week.

This Saturday, June 13th, will be our 3-month anniversary of being apart. It was also our wedding date. And I'm working on myself to be more open, caring, & supportive, and to communicate better (less judgmental & blaming). I have very few friends left in the area due to the local economy, and no money, so very little "fun" things to do, so I'm pretty much immersed in this. He, on the other hand, is with his friends, going out every night, and is having all kinds of fun out there. Yes, I know he's working on himself, too, and it quite obviously shows. But he gets a break. He also doesn't have to worry that someone will find out and kick him out of the house. I do. So, my only support in all of this is him.

But ...

As I'm working harder and needing him more, it feels like he's getting more distant. And so, even on the Wellbutrin and "happy" vitamins, the depression is coming back with a vengeance.

After I get my work schedule tomorrow, I'll contact Michelle to schedule a session next week. I just have no idea what I want to cover. I just know that the need is overwhelming. A big part of me says "cathartic session! get it all out!" Another part of me says "um, hello, this is gonna really really really hurt!" Add to that the session in June 2007 with Sir Warmth where it hurt like hell, left my bottom bruised for over three weeks, and I didn't shed a single tear. So not only did all of the emotional pain stay put, but I went through a lot of physical pain for a very long time, and a lot of expense, just to feel like a failure for not being able to "release".

Given Michelle's style, however, I'm quite confident this type of session would be incredible on the pain, sobbing, and releasing. My real mother is a psychopath. So the idea of Michelle tearing down the walls & nurturingly helping me rebuild myself just sounds utterly amazing. What some in the LDD/DD world might call a "transformational" session.

It also sounds incredibly hard to do, especially since this time my parents are still in town so I can't come back to the house for contemplation and healing. But can I wait another two or more weeks until they're out of town again? Should I try for a stress relief session next week and cathartic session next month when they're gone?

To settle the quandary, I've sent her a note asking for her expert opinion. Hey, maybe I'll even buy her a Lexan paddle for the occasion ;-)

6.9.2009

2009-06-10T16:58:00.001-04:00

It looks like my phone deleted messages again :-(

--- --- --- ---

DC 1:27a
Ty hun

Me
Yer welcome, sweetie.

DC 1:28
I took some meds, I hope it helps

Me
dittage.

DC 1:29
I hope yours works well for you too

Me 1:30
Thx. Unfortunately, I'm wide awake again :-( ... I'm hoping the seepie meds take over soon :: crossing paws ::

DC 1:32
Me too hun. Well I think I'm off to bed

Me 1:33
Ok, baby. Nitey-nite :-* ...

DC 1:34
Nite hun, ttyt

Me
I look forward to it :-)

DC 1:35
Me too

Me
Buhbyezzzzzz, hun.

DC
Bye

--- --- --- ---

DC 1:25p
Hey, what are you up to?

Me 1:26
Nothin' much. Getting ready to hop in the shower before work. You?

DC 1:27
Just sitting down for a break

Me 1:28
From what?

DC
Still unpacking stuff

Me 1:29
Wow.

DC 1:30
Yeah, I told ya that it was a big move, LOL

Me
:: snickerage :: yeesh!

DC
Yep

Me 1:31
So that's probably pretty much your agenda for today I take it?

DC 1:32
Yep, when you get in the shower I will eat and then get back to it

Me 1:33
Ok. I hava couple minutes but notta lot.

DC
Ok

Me 1:34
Feeling better today?

DC
So how is the computing going?

DC 1:35
A little, I'm still really sore

Me
I'm just surfing today. Can't bring myself to keep tackling *the Project* ;-)

DC 1:36
Oh ok

Me
Well, yeah, hun. It sounds like you're still using yer muskles a lot. You'd also mentioned "feeling crappy". Hopefully that's improved ;-)

DC 1:37
Yeah, some

Me
That's good.

DC 1:38
Yeah, my stomach was all messed up

Me 1:39
Again? Sorry, hunnie!

DC
Its ok, LOL

Me 1:41
Ok, baby. I just don't like it when you don't feel well. While there oftentimes wasn't much I could do when we were physically together, it really bothers me that I can't do *anything* to help you now.

DC 1:42
I know hun

Me
I'm glad you remember/know that :-)

DC 1:46
K

DC 1:48
I'm sure that after I eat I will feel fine

Me 1:49
That's good. I'm about to head off, anywayz. I love you, baby. Talk to ya later?

DC 1:50
Ok hun, luv you 2.

Me 1:51
:: big warm fuzzie smile :: buh bye for now, hun.

DC
Bye

--- --- --- ---

Me 4:58p
Hey, sweetie. I'm on break if yer available. Got til abot 5:10p.

DC 5:21
Sorry I missed your text, I was getting things put up and away

--- --- --- ---

Me 7:09p
Thx. I'm done with work & back at the house.

DC 7:15
Ok, we are going to dinner in just a little while

DC 7:19
Was work good today?

Me
Ok. Hope you have a good evening.

Yeah.

DC 7:20
Good, its nice to have a job you don't mind going to

Me 7:21
Agreed.

DC 7:22
Ok, well I will text you when we get home

Me
Ok. Buh bye for now.

DC
Bye

--- --- --- ---

DC 10:38p
Hey hun, sorry for the delay. They decided we were going to Wal-Mart, LOL

Me 10:53
Oh, ok. Anything good there? Like didja getta chance to pick up the cheap but helpful meds for you?

DC 10:55
No, I didn't think about it

Me
Ok.

DC 10:56
What have you been up to?

Me 10:57
Nothin' much. Where'd you go for dinner?

DC 10:59
They wanted Bob Evens. I vetoed that really quick, lol. So we went to Dennys, LOL

Me
:: snickerage :: good idea.

DC 11:00
Yep

DC 11:07
I hope I stop hurting soon

Me 11:08
*nods* me, too. I'm assuming you mean specifically the muskle ouchies, but I'm all-over total non-ouchies for ya.

DC 11:09
Ty, I need all the help I can get, LOL

Me
*nods* sounds like it.

DC 11:11
Yep

DC 11:12
I got the living room and dining area set up today. That was a big job

Me
That's purty cool. I'll bet it was. Congrats.

DC 11:14
Ty, they walked in and almost fell over, LOL

Me
:: snickerage :: hopefully they liked how it was done.

DC 11:18
Oh they did. They felt bad cause I did it myself but they have to do their room. That's the trick, LOL

Me 11:19
*nods* I wouldn't want someone not sleeping in my room to put my room together. But I'm sure that's just me.

DC 11:20
Not really. I'm kinda the same way

Me 11:21
So we *do* have something in common ;-)

DC
Yep

DC 11:25
When are you going nitie nite?

Me 11:26
:: shrug :: I haven't fallen asleep before 3a in what feels like a while. Haven't actually tracked it, tho'.

DC 11:27
Ok, I will be going before long

Me
Going ... Seepies?

DC 11:29
Yep. I'm going to sleep earlier these days

Me 11:30
I've noticed. Hopefully that's working out for you?

DC 11:32
It is, I feel some better this way

Me
Good!

DC 11:33
Yeah, I just hope this keeps working

Me
dittage.

DC 11:36
So what are you working tomorrow?

Me
Not scheduled to work anymore this week.

DC 11:37
Oh ok

DC 11:41
What do you have planned for tomorrow?

Me 11:43
No plans, per se. I may go to the storage unit to re-organize a bit to get my stuff out of the trailer & garage.

DC
That would be a good idea

Me 11:44
Yup. I just don't feel like doing it. Oh, well.

DC 11:45
Yeah, I know

Me
What will you be doing tomorrow?

DC 11:48
More unpacking, lol. We still have a ways to go

Me 11:49
Kinda makes me wonder how it all got packed & moved so quickly ...

DC 11:51
Alot was in boxes already. They had a room full of packed boxes they never got around to unpacking, LOL

Me
Ah. That'd help.

DC 11:52
Yep, it did, LOL

DC 11:56
Well I think I'm a shower away from sleepie time. Are you feeling any better?

Me 11:57
Um, was I not feeling well & forgot?

DC 11:58
I thought you were feeling kinda bad yesterday

Me 11:59
Ah. Yes I was. I'm very moody today. I need a *major* stress release :-(

DC 12:00a
I'm sorry hun. I hope things get better

Me
Thank you. Me, too.

DC 12:01
Well I'm hitting the shower. I hope you sleep well hun

Me 12:02
Ok, hun. Enjoy, thank you, g'night, ttyt & buhbyez.

DC 12:04
Wow, that was a mouth full, lol. All that back to you too hun

Me
:: snickerage :: thx.

DC
Nite nite hun

Me 12:05
Nie-nie.

6.8.2009

2009-06-09T22:34:00.002-04:00

DC 12:32a
Ok, we are on our way home. How is your night?

Me 12:33
Ok. How was the bar?

DC 12:34
Loud. It kept me awake though, LOL

Me
:: snickerage :: um, that's prolly a good thing so you don't drown in yer drink.

DC 12:36
Yep, that might be bad

Me
*nods* going seepie-byes when you get back home?

DC 12:37
Yep, I still really sore. I need to strech out

Me 12:38
Okey dokes. It helps to know you're taking good care of yourself.

DC 12:40
I'm trying to. We are going to start working out this week

Me
Great! We who? Doing what?

DC 12:41
The 3 of us. Just weight training

Me 12:42
Cool. That sounds like fun. I used to really enjoy that. Hope it goes well. Got a place in mind? Or do they own weights & stuff?

DC 12:44
The complex has a sister property next to us with a weight room

Me 12:45
Coolness.

DC 12:47
Yeah, you take your nite nite meds yet?

Me
Yup.

DC 12:48
Ok, we will be at the house in a few mins

Me 12:49
Ok, hun. I hope you sleep well tonight. Sounds like you need it.

DC 12:50
Yeah, I do

Me 12:51
Actually, it sounds like you've already started working out from all the moving. ;-)

DC 12:52
Yep

Me 12:53
Didn't go out today so no leash for walkies, yet.

Me 12:54
Yer on Y!M?

DC 12:55
Just to check my mail. We got the net back. They found the wireless thingy, LOL

Me 12:56
:: snickerage :: sounds familiar. I was thinking earlier that maybe we could do the phone Y!M thing & see if that helps with "lost" messages.

DC 12:57
We could I guess

DC 12:58
That could work

Me 12:59
:: shrug :: its up to you, hun. It seems to happen more on your end, for some reason. Just lemme know so I know where to expect to hear from you.

DC 1:00
I will hun. Ok, I'm off to bed

Me
Y!M seems to have some protections or what's technically called "handshaking" to make sure messages sent are received. Regular texting doesn't, obviously.

DC 1:01
Yeah

Me
Ok, sweetie. G'night, rest well, and buhbyez.

DC 1:02
You too, ttyt, night hun

--- --- --- ---

DC 2:29p
Hey hun, hows your day?

Me 2:46
Ok. Yours?

DC 2:47
Ok I guess. I'm just really sore

Me 2:48
Sorry to hear that. Did the stretching help at all before seepies?

DC 2:49
Yeah, well for then anyway, LOL

Me 2:50
:: snickerage :: yeah, that's kinda how it works, I'm afraid.

DC
Yeah

DC 2:51
So what do you have planned for today?

Me
D didn't get your message. And unfortunately she asked someone to be her roomie right after he'd found somewhere else :-(

Me 2:52
The usual :: sigh ::

DC
Damn, that sucks

Me
Yeah it does.

DC 2:53
Computing huh? LOL

Me
Yup :: snickerage ::

Me 2:55
So what's made the past couple of weeks so odd for you and thrown you off-kilter?

DC
Cool, I have no idea on my part. I'm just going to take some pain killers and go on I guess

I'm not really sure

Me
*nods* sounds like a plan. Go on to do what?

Me 2:56
Ok.

DC 2:57
I mean to just keep going

Me
Oh, ok.

DC 2:59
I do know that I'm going to eat soon

Me 3:00
Ok. And I'm guessing you have no idea, yet, what that'll be ;-)

DC 3:01
None what so freaking ever, LOL

Me 3:02
:: snickerage ::

DC 3:04
I hope you find something fun to get into

Me 3:05
Thx. That'd be nice.

DC 3:06
Yeah it would

Me 3:07
So how's the apartment working out?

DC 3:08
So far so good. Everything is fine so far

Me
That's good. I'd like to hear more about it sometime.

DC 3:09
Ok, well I'm gonna eat, ttyl?

Me 3:10
Ok. Enjoy. Buh bye for now.

DC
Bye

--- --- --- ---

DC 4:26p
Hey hun, sorry about that, I dozed off

Me 4:47
Me, too ;-) ... Right-hand's still asleep.

DC 4:48
Sorry hun

Me 4:49
No biggie. Did the nappie-doo help ya feel a bit less ouchie?

DC 4:50
A little bit. I'm still pretty sore

Me 4:51
I'll bet. Sounds like you've been doing a lot these past few days. How was food?

DC 4:52
Good, I had hot dogs

Me
Yummers :-)

DC 4:53
Yep, that will hold me over til dinner

Me 4:54
That's good.

DC 4:55
Yep, so you still hiding out?

Me 4:56
Yep. Trying to. Mostly successful.

DC
Thats good

Me 4:57
*nods* did you sleep well last night?

DC 4:59
No, I had chest conjestion and I stopped breathing a few times

Me
I'm sorry :-( ...

DC 5:01
It's ok, I took some meds earlier

Me 5:02
I hope they help you.

DC 5:03
Me too. I think tonight may be an early night

Me 5:04
It could be purty late & still be an early night :: snickerage ::

DC 5:05
LOL

Me 5:06
When do you think all y'all will start the workout stuff?

DC
Maybe tomorrow

Me 5:07
*nods* give the ouchies a little time to heal first before you whip 'em into shape?

DC 5:09
Yeah, I think they need a little rest

Me 5:10
I'll bet.

DC 5:11
I need a shower. I feel kinda crappy

Me 5:12
Ok. Hope it helps. Does that mean buh bye for now?

DC 5:14
Yeah hun. I will text you after I shower and stuff

Me 5:15
Buh bye for now.

DC
Bye hun

--- --- --- ---

DC 6:09p
Hey hun, what are you up to?

Me
Hey, baby. Computering ;-)

DC 6:10
Ok, I just finished getting dressed for dinner

Me 6:11
Did the shower help?

DC 6:13
Some, its mostly my back and legs

Me 6:14
That makes sense. Lots of lifting, and you'd mentioned stairs, too.

DC 6:15
Yep, they did a # on me

Me 6:16
Sorry.

DC
Ty

Me
Yer welcome. How long before you leave for dinner?

DC 6:17
Maybe 30 or less

Me 6:18
Ok. We may be leaving earlier than that here.

DC
Ok

Me 6:19
Anything else going on for you?

DC 6:20
Not as far as I know

Me 6:21
You are with Mr. & Mrs. Spontaneity, so I'm sure something will come up :: snickerage ::

DC 6:22
Probobly so

Me 6:30
I'm dressed now & they're ready to go. Text me later? Buh bye for now, hun.

DC 6:31
Ok hun, bye

--- --- --- ---

DC 9:25p
You back yet?

Me 9:26
Yep.

DC 9:27
Ok, we just got back. I think we are about to unpack more stuff

Me 9:28
:: snickerage :: sounds about right. You know where to find me when/if you wanna chat again.

DC 9:30
Ok hun, I just wanted to say hi

Me
:-) thank you, hunnie. It means a lot to me & I really appreciate it.

DC 9:40
Sure thing hun. Ttyl

Me 9:41
Buhbyez, baby.

DC
Bye

--- --- --- ---

DC 10:49p
Hey hun, what are you doing?

Me
Opening the windows again now that the storms have stopped.

DC 10:51
Cool, maybe you won't be so hot now

Me 10:52
That's the plan. Til the mother figure turns the heat on again :-(

DC 10:53
What? How cold is it getting?

Me 10:54
45-55 at night. Was 59 at 10a today.

DC 10:56
Thats not cold enough for the heater

Me
I agree, as does Ben ;-)

DC 11:02
I'm sure. It's probobly in the upper 60's here

Me 11:03
65-ish I think here. Its so humid its hard to tell, tho'.

DC 11:04
Yeah. It's actually not humid too bad here

Me 11:05
That's good. Um, where is *here*, btw? All I recall hearing is VA not too far from DC.

DC 11:07
I belive it's called ...

Me 11:08
Ok. I'll look that up, if you don't mind.

DC 11:09
Thats fine, I can let you know the name for sure tomorrow

Me 11:11
Ok. The initial Google Maps search has a bunch of stuff called ... *in* ... but no town called ... . That's not confusing at all ;-)

DC 11:12
It must be a community type of thing then

Me 11:13
Yeah, like :: eeep! :: Columbus. Hopefully that's about the end of the similarities.

Me 11:16
How's the unpacking going?

DC
Yeah, I don't like thinking about that place

Me 11:17
Me, neither. I still think about some of the peoples from time to time, and I definitely miss Amul India, but otherwise good riddance.

DC 11:18
Pretty good. You know how things always go when you are trying to get something done

Me
Yep

:: snickerage :: yeah, I think I do ...

DC 11:21
I had to make them stop for a few mins, they were getting mouthy

Me 11:22
Uh oh ... Like fighty mouthy? Or play mouthy?

DC 11:23
Fighty

Me
I'm sorry, hunnie. I'm glad you could step in to help them take a bit of a time out.

DC 11:27
Yeah, there is so much to go thru that it gets very irratating

Me 11:30
*nods* Usually there's not a straight-forward, logical way that's easy to see to get it done, either. I'll bet it can be hard to watch your friends act that way toward each other, especially with what we've gone & are going thru :-(

DC 11:32
Yeah it is. I think they are ok now

Me 11:33
That's definitely good news. Again, I'm glad they have a friend like you there that cares & knows enough to assist. I just wish it didn't also mean we're apart.

DC 11:36
Same here hun, I hope this doesn't last long

Me 11:37
Me, too. I hate not even being able to see a way out of this situation.

DC 11:38
Me too

Me 11:39
I'm scheduled to work 3-7p tomorrow. If they ask me to stay later or call for me to come in earlier, I will, of course.

DC 11:41
Yeah, I hope it works well for you

Me 11:43
Thx, me, too. It was nice Saturday. I almost felt content (like its gonna be ok, not that it is ok) & relaxed by the end of my shift. I liked feeling that way.

DC 11:44
Me too. I'm sure things will work out

Me 11:45
dittage. But I can be a bit of a control freak from time to time, and wanna know *how*, ya know? ;-)

DC 11:46
I know hun

Me 11:47
Y'all gonna keep at the unpacking tonight? Or have you folks decided you've done/had enough for today?

DC 11:49
I think we have a little more for tonight. Then it will be time for sleepies

Me 11:50
Gotcha. I'm actually getting kinda tired myself. And I haven't even taken my seepie meds, yet.

DC
Wow

Me 11:53
Yeah. I really messed myself up with that 2hr coma yesterday. I finally fell asleep just before 4a & woke up shortly after 7a. Then had that little nap 4:30-ish

DC 11:54
Yeah, I just hope that tonight is better than last night

Me 11:55
Me, too, baby. Good sleep helps you heal on all levels. I'd like you to feel better *every* which way.

DC 11:56
Me too for you

Me
Thank you :-)

DC 11:58
Well I guess its time to get back to it

Me 11:59
Ok, hunnie. Feel free to text later if you'd like. But just in case, g'night.

DC 12:00a
Ok hun, I will text you to say good night and stuff

Me
Okey dokes. Buh bye for now, hun.

DC 12:01
Bye baby

6.7.2009

2009-06-09T21:55:00.001-04:00

Due to the phone needing the memory, much of the day's messages appear to have disappeared. Here's what's left.

--- --- --- ---

Me 7:06p
What's for din-din?

DC 7:07
Not sure yet

Me
:: snickerage :: I'm shocked to hear that.

DC 7:09
Yeah

Me
You sound busy or pre-occupied.

DC
I'm not feeling too good today

Me 7:10
Sorry to hear that. Wussup?

DC
No, just got out of the restroom

DC 7:11
Sore and my stomach is messed up

Me
Ok. You seem to like taking potty breaks when texting me. Should I be getting the hint?

DC 7:12
Don't do that hun

Me
*nods* that makes. You've been working really hard & a lot, which usually messes with yer tum-tum, as does emotional stress.

Ok. I was trying to be funny. Sorry.

DC 7:13
Oh, you didn't laugh or anything. Thought you were being serious, sorry

Me 7:15
Yeah, me, too. Pressed send instead of the delete cuzza the nails, so the smiley didn't make it in there. Thx for making sure I'm emotionally ok on that.

Me 7:33
I guess buhbyez since I haven't heard from you in 20mins, which I'd responded to. Hope ya got it, have a good dinner, and text later if ya wanna talk to me.

DC 7:34
Sorry hun, its messing up again. This is pissing me off

Me 7:35
Oh, ok. Sorry to hear that.

Yeah, me, too. Pressed send instead of the delete cuzza the nails, so the smiley didn't make it in there. Thx for making sure I'm emotionally ok on that.

Me 7:36
That was my message at 7:15p.

DC
Its ok I guess. What am I to do but accept it, LOL

Me 7:37
:: shrug :: add it to the list of AT&T topics? And then accept it ;-)

DC
Right

Me 7:38
Figured out dinner, yet?

DC
No, not yet

Me 7:39
:: snickerage :: y'all had better hurry before yer tummies decide to eat *you*

DC
I know, I'm about to starve

Me 7:40
Dat not good, baby.

DC 7:42
No its not, LOL

Me 7:44
I'm sorry, hun. I need a nappie-doo. I slept well again last night, but I'm having a long string of short sleeps.

DC
I don't blame you there

Me 7:45
Thank you. G'luck with getting dinner soon. Buh bye for now, baby.

DC 7:50
Bye hun

--- --- --- ---

Me 10:30p
G'mornin' ;-) That was some nappie-doo. I've been up about 40mins. Keep in mind I was asleep by the time I got your "bye" message. Hope all is well for you.

DC 10:31
Yeah, we just finished dinner. Now I have no idea where we are going, LOL

Me 10:32
:: snickerage :: the bar would be my guess. Din-din good?

DC 10:35
Yeah, I'm full, LOL

Me
Good :-)

DC 10:37
Yeah, I can't belive how tired I still am

Me 10:40
Why not, hun? Sounds like its been a whirlwind of activity for the past several days. Or did I miss something?

DC 10:41
No, I just usually bounce back better than this

Me 10:44
Gotcha, thx. Sorry, hun, but you've been saying "I usually bounce back better than this" for a while now. :-( ... About your energy, physical healing, etc.

DC 10:45
True

Me 10:46
Um, hopefully I didn't do anything to make that happen to you :-( ... If I did, I'm very, very sorry :: sniff ::

DC 10:47
Huh?

Me 10:49
Well, you keep saying it like its something new, like a recent big change. And I'm a relatively recent addition to your life, compared to the rest of your life. So ... Hopefully I didn't somehow sap all your energy or make you unable to physically (or emotionally) heal.

DC 10:50
No hun, not at all

Me 10:51
Ok. I wanna be something *good* for you, a positive factor or influence and all that, ya know?

DC 10:52
I know hun, you are, ty

Me 10:53
Whew! And yer welcome, hunnie. You're on my mind all the time.

DC 10:55
Same here hun

Me
:: sad but happy smile ::

DC 10:56
Yeah

Me 10:57
I'm working hard to be worth coming back to. I just hope it'll be enough :: crossing paws ::

DC 10:58
It will be hun

Me
Ok. Sometimes its hard to trust I'm worth all this. Sorry.

DC 10:59
It is

Me 11:00
*nods* I'm trusting that, having faith, as you put it. I'm just not quite perfect at that ;-)

DC 11:01
I know, you're doing well though

Me 11:02
Awww, thank you! That's very sweet of you to say :: warm fuzzies ::

DC
Yw

DC 11:03
We are pulling into... A bar, good call hun, LOL

Me 11:04
:: snickerage :: see? I *can* tell the future! ;-)

DC 11:07
Lol, yep. Can I get back to you in a bit?

Me
Of course, baby. Buh bye for now.

DC 11:08
Bye hun

My Ideal Relationship

2009-06-08T21:02:00.007-04:00

This is a draft of the letter I sent to DC a short while ago. I made a few changes, but the overall message and tone of the letter is the same.

--- --- --- ---

I'm sure this is just a place to *start* discussions and not set in stone.

When we'd been talking on the phone in October, I'm fairly certain you'd asked, "why choose me?", to which I responded that a strong woman needs a stronger man. I thought you were that stronger man. Even now, I still believe you are that man, but that a lot of healing has to happen before he emerges.

See, people often seem to subconsciously seek out what hurts or scares them the most, as if to somehow be able to conquer it this time & move forward. We both appear to have done that, and both have hurt & scared each other instead of helping each other to heal and grow.

Sadly, this means I've done a lot to further bury or hide the man I want to be with. I'm neither proud of or happy with myself for that, and am trying to figure out how to undo the damage caused by my actions in addition to the wounds and scars already there. And more importantly, how to forgive myself for doing these things so that I'm not "stuck" in this rut.

As you know, I'm not a "submissive" by almost anyone's definition. However, I would like to be in a relationship where the roles are clearly defined so we don't have the kind of idiotic power struggles we've experienced so far. Given my personality, desires, and emotional makeup, the model that makes the most sense to me is what's called "Taken in Hand." When you first came up to Ohio, you'd dismissed this outright. While I understand and accept your reasons, I honestly believe our relationship could have started out a lot better if we would have at least tried to incorporate some of the principles. At a minimum, hindsight shows that it would have made more sense for me to personally adopt some of these principles rather than just forget the whole thing outright.

Chances are you've never heard of it, and I don't believe we'd ever discussed it in any detail, or that the model itself ever came up. So here it is. In short, it's a relationship in which each person does what he or she does best, and one of them is considered _the_ decision maker, caretaker, and guardian. And this person is usually the man. The woman supports him and is accountable to him. Likewise, she is the center of his world, and he strives to keep her happy. It involves lots of open communication and a very deep connection. For many couples, the man also "punishes" the woman as he sees fit for her own good or his pleasure. More on this later.

What this actually looks like depends on the couple. I have a mental picture of what I think I'd like it to be, a fantasy, if you will. Whoever is best at making money is the primary breadwinner. Whoever is best at managing the money manages it. Whoever is best at housekeeping does that. And so on. However, if it becomes too much for either person, he or she can ask the other to step in and help, and can reasonably expect to get this help most of the time.

Another aspect is the physical connection, which for a lot of couples is, you guessed it, spanking. Something I've asked you to do many times, but we've danced around and joked about, but never done. When would I get spanked? Whenever you want to. Am I not being respectful enough? Did I break a promise? Do you just need to relieve stress? Do you just plain old feel like turning my butt red? Or make it part of foreplay or sex? When, where, how, with what, and the severity are all completely up to you. For me, this kind of physical connection leads to a deep emotional connection and centering, and would happen on a regular basis.

For example, if we have an argument and you want it to stop, just tell me to stop. If I don't stop, just pull me over and make your point clear. Keep your anger controlled, of course, so no undue damage or abuse occurs, but do what you feel is necessary to both end the argument now, and make it easy for me to remember to stop next time you say so.

By the same token, when I'm getting stressed and feel a meltdown or mood coming on, I'd like to be able to tell you, and have the stress dissipated in this manner before it gets out of hand. Or if you feel stressed and want to work some of it out before it becomes too much, just tell me and I'll oblige. Given our fetish backgrounds, I'm open to including more than just spanking if that's what you'd like, need, or feel is warranted. Or if its what you'd like to do as a way to heal some of the past emotional wounds from myself and others.

Now you know I'm a bit fiesty and may not exactly go along as I say I will ;-) ... but I have faith in your ability to safely make your point by saying, "Let me know when you're ready to be spanked as you promised. Go wait on the bed to think about it, and text me when you're ready." Or we both know you're a lot stronger, quicker, and squirmier than me, and can easily overpower me at any point in time. Again, as you see fit that's safe enough given your mood & needs.

I've done a lot of research, and this has worked for a lot of couples where she's a bitchy shrew and he reacts physically or with what feels like overpowering anger. Sounds familiar, huh?

For the day-to-day stuff, knowing that you have the final say after asking for my input means that I know your word is final and the power struggle is over. If I disagree with your course of action, I will strive to respectfully tell you why before you take it, assuming you tell me in advance. Since we're both going to be openly communicating, anything big will most likely be discussed early, and anything small such as "what's for dinner" won't be too big of a deal. You, of course, can state that you'd rather I choose tonight, and that's fine, too. Whoever makes that decision takes the other person's likes and preferences into account.

And of course any absolute limits are respected, too. I can't eat at Olive Garden, so that will not be an option. You've said its up to me but you're not in the mood for hot dogs, so that's not an option. Etcetera. And yes, we ask each other questions as needed to make sure we make the best choice ... "would you prefer to stay in or go out? do we have enough money to go out?"

You get to decide what you want to decide. Normally you don't seem too interested in helping me pick something out to wear. But let's say for a particular outting you do. Then I will wear what you pick out. Period. None of that stuff I used to do where I'd ask for your input and then wear something totally different, which you've said is a big part of why you're not interested in helping me with that anymore.

Quite frankly, a lot of what you've done or asked me to do is part of this lifestyle. But since you started out with the whole "we're equal" stuff, I didn't do what your subsequent words and actions seemed to say because I took what you said as input or advice. So the power struggles started, and we were both blindsided by what actually happened. I complained that you wanted me to submit to you (which is what I wanted to do starting that very first night and caused our first argument) but that totally went against what you said. I wholeheartedly admit that I've always had trouble when words & actions don't mesh, especially when its something I'm supposed to act on. So I was confused and hurt, and just didn't know what to do. And I took it out on you. For that I'm very sorry.

A lot of what you've said and done before things got out of hand in an argument is exactly what I believe this lifestyle is about. So is a lot of what I wanted to do before we started living together, and what I kept trying to force you into doing by my actions. Instead of doing what I wanted but didn't say, your temper got out of hand and the wrong things happened. I tore you down, you literally fought back.

I don't want us to do that anymore. If you're interested in exploring this, I'd love to give it a fresh start with as much trust and as open of a heart as I can. Granted it will be difficult since we're not physically together, but we can at least start the discussions, mutual respect, and figuring out what we'd really like to see happen when we are back together.

Please remember that while everything seems stated above like "this is how we're going to do it," that's just because it got too tiring to write, "would you like to try," all the time ;-)

For more information and ideas than I can possibly write (or know) about, there's
http://www.takeninhand.com/tour. I hope you go there. There's a lot on the site and it can seem quite overwhelming at first. This link takes you on a "tour" that guides you through the most common stuff, or you can search for a word or topic. One thing I think you'll notice is that the guy's posts often say or do a lot of the things you've said or done almost exactly the same way!

And of course, I know you'll read only as much as you can handle at a time and absorb it at your own pace. I will do my best to not pressure you, and be available for questions, brainstorming, and suggestions whenever you'd like.

Just please know that I honestly believe this will work for us and it seems to be what we both wanted in the first place (me consciously, you unconsciously). I love you very very much and am willing to do or submit to just about anything non-abusive to make us work. I just know that I desperately need to be connected to you, and that's missing from our current situation. I'd even entertain the idea of being the one in charge, if that's what you'd prefer.

Please, hunnie, for me, look into this so you can make an informed decision this time around. If it's no, that's fine, but at least you'll know what you're saying no to ;-)

6.4-6.2009

2009-06-08T21:02:00.003-04:00

Somehow these are all gone, and it seems as though some of 6/7 is missing, too. My best guess is that my phone needed the memory for something else and dumped the records. Prolly happened when I installed the Amazon app :-( ... On the good side, nothing 'bad' happened, but some niceness and his promises to be more open & communicative aren't documented.

6.3.2009

2009-06-07T19:31:00.001-04:00

Me 2:11p
Done @ work. On my way to get Ben & go to the vet. How's yer day going?

DC 2:19
Pretty good, just a little bored

Me 2:26
I hear ya there. How're you feeling?

DC 2:27
Pretty good, how about you hun?

Me 2:28
That's good. Jittery. Accidently did too much Sweet Chestnut Bach Flower remedy.

DC 2:29
Thats not good hun

Me 2:31
Its pretty funny. Its helps with feeling trapped or having a sense of despair. Well it helps! I just shouldn't have taken the mximum recommended dose right off.

DC
Nope

Me 2:32
:: snickerage :: anything else going on? I'm gonna guess no since yer bored.

Me 2:33
Did the Bene video work? Did ya get to hear Chloe Agnew? Never heard about your call to AT&T & how that went ...

DC
Not really, just watching "stripes"

DC 2:35
I've not taken care of that yet, I was going to get settled first

Me
Oh, ok. & the puppy video?

DC 2:36
Yeah it worked

Me
Ok.

Me 2:46
Its been 10mins since I last sent anything & haven't heard back. Sorry to interrupt your busy day. Buh bye for now.

DC 2:47
Sorry hun, I was in the restroom

Me
Ok.

DC 2:48
So what do you have planned for the day?

Me 2:49
As I said yesterday & mentioned in my first text to you today, taking Ben to the vet. After that, dinner with B, & hopefully E.

DC 2:50
Ok cool hun, are you at the vets now?

Me 2:51
Not yet. Eating ice cream. Leaving the house in a few minutes.

DC 2:52
Oh ok. I hope everything is ok

Me
Me, too. :: crossing paws ::

DC 2:54
Yeah, I'm not sure what time we are doing dinner

DC 2:59
So how long til you're driving?

Me
I'd be surprised if ya knew ;-) ... Om driving twisty-turny backroads. Call or bye?

Nowish ;-)

DC 3:00
Text me when you're done at the vets

Me
Okey dokes. Buh bye for now.

DC 3:01
Bye baby

--- --- --- ---

Me 4:45p
She's the healthiest almost-10yr old dog the vet's ever seen. Whew! Just old age issues ... Eyesight, hearing, achies, & fatty lumps (under the muscle).

DC 4:46
Cool, I'm happy to hear that

Me 4:47
Me, too. That's why the lumps grew so fast & are so hard. $274 :-(

DC 4:48
Damn, sorry it cost so much

Me 4:49
Thx. Full blood panel alone was over $80.

DC
Damn

Me 4:50
Yeah. But that checks the heart, liver, kidneys, cancer markers, etc.

DC 4:51
Thats great

Me 4:52
Yup. Nothing's even close to being outta range :-D

DC
Yeah

Me 4:53
Twisty turny driving again. Call or bye?

DC 4:54
Bye for now, I need a shower

Me 4:55
Ok. Buh bye for now, baby.

DC
Bye hun

--- --- --- ---

DC 10:55p
Everything going ok?

Me 10:56
Yeah. You?

DC 10:58
Yeah, I wasn't sure how long you would be out at dinner so I was giving you time with your friends, ;-):-D

Me 11:00
Ah. I was wondering what was going on. B had somewhere else to be at 7:30 & E backed out, so we were done at 7:15.

DC 11:01
Oh damn, I'm sorry

Me
Thx, hun. What're you up to tonight?

DC 11:03
Just sitting around. I'm thinking about going to bed in a little while

Me 11:05
That's a surprise on not being out. I'm in bed, and was falling asleep when you texted, so sorry if I fall asleep on you ;-)

DC 11:06
Thats cool hun, I'm kinda tired myself

Me 11:07
Okey dokes. No clue why I'm so wiped out tonight. Um, I was hurt earlier when you said you'd rather be bored watching Stripes than talk to me. :-(

DC 11:08
I'm sorry hun, I didn't mean that at all

Me 11:09
Oh, ok. It seemed odd, but I was driving & didn't wanna kill any more critters today.

DC 11:11
What did you kill?

Me 11:15
A bluejay flew into the side of the car pretty hard. Couldn't swerve cuzza on-coming traffic & heard the thud over the stereo. He was fighting another bird, which I barely missed by slamming on the brakes so the nose of the car dove down & he flew over the hood.

DC 11:16
Damn, birds looseing their shit these days, LOL

Me 11:18
yeah. I've had to evade quite a few this week. At least two more today, in fact. Its weird. I don't ever remember them regularly coming that close to cars.

DC 11:19
That is wierd, who knows

Me
And its all different kinds. Jay, robin, goldenrod, chickadee, sparrow, etc. And seen a lot more feathery roadkill than ever before.

Me 11:20
No matter the reason, I don't like killing critters, even if there was nothing I could do. They don't know any better, ya know?

DC 11:21
I don't know, I have no clue

Yeah

Me 11:22
Yeah, its just an odd, sudden trend.

Me 11:23
What'd ya think of the Bene video?

DC
It is. Yeah, I think I'm going to bed soon. We are having thunder storms tonight

DC 11:24
It was cute

Me
Lucky you ;-) ... We're not. Clear & low 40s. Got the windows open to cool it down up here.

Me 11:25
Ok. I just never heard back, and when I asked, you just said you got it. Would you rather I don't send stuff?

DC
Yeah, it actually feels nice here

Me 11:26
That's good.

DC 11:27
No its fine, I sent a message about it earlier today

Me 11:31
The only message I got on it was your response when I'd asked if you got it, which just said yeah. I feel like I'm kept out of your life. No pix, no names, ... No details. "Wussup hun?" "Drinking LOL" Um, hard for me to feel like a welcome part of your life; it feels like I'm bothering you when I ask, but then it feels like I'd never know *anything* if I don't ask.

DC
You still there hun?

Me 11:32
Yup ;-) ... Had just pushed send when I got yer question.

DC
I'm sorry hun, I did send one about it, I don't know hun

DC 11:33
Ok

Me
Yeah, thank you AT&T ;-)

DC
Right, LOL

Me 11:34
What about the rest of that message, about my not feeling like I'm part of your life? Does it at least make sense?

DC 11:35
This is wierd, I'm getting sleepie earlier these days, LOL

Me 11:36
:: snickerage :: me, too, actually. Are you waking up earlier, too?

DC 11:37
Yeah, I'm sorry I'm so scattered right now. I should be better soon

Yeah, I feel almost normal, LOL

Me 11:38
Ok. I hope so. I don't like feeling like this, but I dunno what to do about it on my end. You've never been one to open up that way, so it feels even worse while we're apart. What will help you feel less scattered?

Me 11:39
Eeeep! Not the dreaded "n" word!?

DC 11:40
Just getting settled in up here

Yeah

Me 11:42
Ok. Still planning to get yer stuff outta d's & mine outta j's this weekend? If so, that'd prolly help you "settle" soonish.

DC 11:44
Yeah, I may have to leave the tools at my mom and dads for a little bit. We don't have alot of room.

Me 11:45
Ok. Hopefully they'll be ok with that since its *my* stuff.

DC 11:46
They will. I just don't want to talk to james is all, LOL

Me 11:47
k. I can understand that.

DC 11:50
Yeah, I just don't feel confortable talking to him, you know?

Me 11:52
Yup. But like he said, he won't do anything cuz its a non-extradition warrant, so he'd be guilty of kidnapping if he did ;-)

DC 11:54
True, lol. So do want me to contact him or do you want to?

Me 11:56
You since you're the one going there. I'd just be another layer, which might delay things, or I might accidentally misinterprate or miscommunicate.

DC 11:58
Ok, :-(, I'll do it, LOL

DC 12:00a (6/4)
Ok, it's sleepie time. Ttyt?

Me
Ok, thank you. Sad to say but I'm about to pass out. Chat more tomorrow? I got the day off so anytime should be ok. You contact me since I'll prolly be up 1st?

Me 12:01
:: snickerage :: yup.

DC
Ok hun, ttyt, night

Me 12:02
Okey dokes. Happy seepie-byes, and g'night, baby. zzzz ...

DC 12:03
Bye

6.2.2009

2009-06-04T17:19:00.002-04:00

Me 12:19p
G'mornin'. I'm on break for a few. How's it going?

DC 12:20
Ok I guess, just still kinda achie

Me 12:21
Sorry to hear that. Hope that clears up a bit for ya.

DC 12:22
Me too. So how is the job so far?

Me
Ok. The register isn't too hard, justa *lot* of buttons ;-)

DC 12:24
Yeah, I hope it is atleast a little fun

Me 12:25
I think it will be. Sorry, break's almost over. Buh bye for now, hun.

DC
Bye

--- --- --- ---

Me 2:29p
All done w/ "work" for today. Went ok. We'll see how well when I actually try to help customers tomorrow ;-) ... Miss you :-(

DC 2:31
Well I'm sure you will do just fine. I miss you too

Me 2:32
Thx. The rents are fighting.

DC
Huh?

Me 2:34
I'll explain later. Very stressful here. Buhbyez.

DC 2:35
Ok, bye hun

--- --- --- ---

Me 2:44p
I escaped a lot faster than I thought I could. The mother figure has the whole kitchen torn apart so she can paint. That was supposed to take 3 days. Its been over a week of unplugging the fridge every day, can't use the stove or countertops, etc. We're all hungry, so dad made carry-out suggestions & offered to pick them up. She got pissed cuz none of them were "right" (shades of 3/13 big-time), so they got into it. I said give me a fucking break its not that hard. Get stuff out of this fridge & put it the other one. Go get stuff & process it on the dining room table. Whatever. Then I heated my left-overs, came upstairs & locked the bedroom door. Can't even get Ben cuz the mother figure doesn't want "that mess of fur" bumping into her precious walls.

DC 2:47
Damn, you are having a rough day

Me
Yeah. I'm ready to go back to work now ;-) ...

DC 2:48
I would be too

Me 2:51
I'm so glad she can recognize irrational behavior in others. Must be from all the practice she's had doing those things herself. One of the things she didn't like was how you treated me. Well hello, that's how *she* treats me. Venting, I know. I'm sooo glad she "saved" me from you so I can be miserable without you & still put up with this. I'm so ready to just explode and run. And this is on the calming anti-depressant.

DC 2:53
Damn hun, I'm sorry

Me 2:54
Thx. I was actually happy with work today. I had no idea this is what I'd walk into. See? I allow myself to be happy & it just gets ripped away.

DC 2:55
I'm sorry hun

Me 2:57
Thx, baby. Its crap like this that just makes me wonder what the point of even taking the anti-depressants is cuz when they really kick in, well, I'm sure it'll be horrible. I'm crying I'm so upset. I hate it here.

DC 2:58
I know hun, me too

Me 3:01
I know. This job is not gonna be enough to get me & Ben outta here. The good news is that the trainer today thinks they specifically hired me to move up.

DC 3:02
Thats really cool

Me 3:04
*nods* I hope she's right :: crossing paws :: she's a part-timer, too, but she's been there for over 10yrs & has trained a lotta folks who've since moved up.

DC 3:05
Damn, that kinda sucks

Me 3:06
??

DC 3:07
How she trains the people but never moves up

Me 3:08
Ah. She prolly will, just not now. She's only willing to work when her kids are in school, & ya gotta have open availability to move up.

DC 3:09
Thats true

Me 3:11
Yep. They usually hold these sessions from 3-7p, but changed 'em to 10-2 to keep her doing this. Obviously they're willing to work with ya if they like ya.

DC 3:12
Yep

Me 3:13
So I just gotta figure out how to be likable ;-)

DC 3:14
By just being you

Me 3:16
It'd be great if that really worked. It just rarely seems to for me, at least at work.

DC 3:17
Well you will do fine

Me 3:18
Thx. I hope yer right. They *seem* like they're pretty cool for nice, clean-cut "family" types ;-)

DC 3:19
Well thats good

Me 3:22
*nods* its a pretty comfy atmosphere so far. Relaxed & friendly & help each other out. One of the ladies in today's class is in for a refresher cuz she sold $250+ of wine for $26 cuz she scanned the box & not the bottle.

DC 3:24
Damn, they must be laid back to not fire someone for that

Me
Yep.

DC 3:27
I hope I can find something that laid back

Me
Me, too, hun. I hope I'm right about this one & it doesn't get ripped away from me.

Me 3:29
Not too bad. Out of the 912 songs it processed last night, only 30 were dupes & didn't need to be done.

DC
Wow thats good

Me 3:30
Yeah. :-D

Me 3:31
And it only took 5.5 hours. Time to start the next batch ;-)

DC 3:32
So you're going to hide in your room tonight

DC 3:33
Yeah, thats going to be fun

Me 3:34
That's the plan. Got the DVD player in here again. Even I oughta be able to hook it up ;-) ... So far it only seems to have trouble with MP3 CDs.

Me 3:35
My goal is to have another batch started before I go seepie-byes, then wake up early enough to start another before going to work tomorrow.

DC 3:36
Thats a good plan hun

Me
Oh, & guess I gotta go to Dunkin' Robbins since I can't use the kitchen to make brownies ;-)

DC
Yep

Me
Thx. Just hope it works. I'd rather have it busy with this stuff when I can't use the PC anywayz, ya know?

DC 3:37
Yep

Me 3:38
So what have you been up to today?

DC 3:40
Checking craigslist, watching CSI, ate lunch and smoked. Lol, usual day

Me 3:41
:: snickerage :: any news on the adult store job? :: crossing paws ::

DC 3:42
Not yet. We are going by there tonight

Me
Ok. G'luck!

DC
Ty

Me 3:43
Tell 'em you need this job cuz yer gf needs a lotta help in that department ;-)

Yer welcome, sweetie.

DC
Funny

Me 3:44
Hey, they'd probably believe an older woman as libido troubles ...

DC
I'm going to need to get in the shower soon

DC 3:45
Yeah

Me
Ok, hun. I was just about to go out & play w/ Ben.

DC
Ok, have fun

Me 3:47
Prolly so ;-) ... Hope things go well for you :-) ... Buh bye for now, hun.

DC
Bye

--- --- --- ---

Me 4:20p
Heya, just remembered. How'd it go when ya got in touch w/ D on living arrangements & moving out?

DC 4:22
I haven't done that yet. I was going to do that today. I just have to wait for to get off work

Me 4:23
Ok. Lemme know how it goes.

DC
I will hun

Me 4:24
Ok, thx. She's on Y!M now, btw, and says you can get in touch just about anytime.

She said now, as in right now, is good for her.

DC 4:25
What is her screen name?

Me
Nc_v

DC 4:27
Ok, thanks

DC 4:51
Ok, thats done

Me 4:52
:-) ... Coolness. Hope it goes well for both of you. My tools are still at her place, right?

DC 4:53
What tools hun?

Me 4:55
The ones you had me leave for you at J's so you could do her housie projects to "pay" rent. Which is the big Stanley case, drill, drill bits, electric screwdriver, fiddly-bits box, etc.

DC 4:56
Oh, I thought you and your dad took those

Me
No, I specifically told you where they were, and you said you'd get them when you went back for some other stuff that weekend.

DC 4:57
Shit hun, I'm sorry.

Me 4:59
Thx. That's hundreds of dollars of stuff ... Maybe you can get those while you're in town to move outta D's?

DC 5:00
Yeah, but I don't have his # anymore

Me
<His info>

DC 5:02
Ok hun. I will get that set up

Me
Thank you. Maybe he still has the pluggie-innie thingie I left on the bedroom windowsill, too, that helps you breathe ... :: crossing paws ::

DC 5:03
That would be great

Me 5:04
*nods* I can buy refills pretty cheap up here & include them in a care package.

DC 5:05
Ok, I will let you know

Me
Okey dokes. I'd like you to still be breathing next time I see you :-)

DC 5:06
Me too

Me
I'll bet!

DC 5:08
Lol, ok I've cooled off enough to go shave and get dressed

Me
So kurt sent me this dissertation on how capitalism works, how I'm wrong about him, and ... how he overpaid me so he'd like me to take that into consideration.

Me 5:09
Okey dokes. Thx for taking care of this stuff.

DC 5:10
Kurt is full of shit. I can't wait to meet him

Me 5:11
Pretty much on both counts ;-) ... I think I'll offer to meet T at the bar to show her how to use her phone, tho'. :: snickerage ::

DC 5:12
When is this going to be?

Me
Dunno. Haven't made her the offer, yet.

DC 5:13
Oh ok

Me 5:14
Anywayz, you gotta get ready for tonight's dinner (and bar) adventure ;-). Buh bye for now, baby.

DC
Bye hun

--- --- --- ---

Me 6:50p
Um, just going thru the old backups. Do you want the "high quality ass-fucking videos" you'd downloaded in December 2007?

DC 6:52
I honestly don't remember downloading anything like that hun

Me 6:53
That might explain my surprise. So does that mean yes or no?

DC 6:54
I don't need stuff like that

Me 6:55
Ok, thx. Its deleted now. Chocolate helped bunches, btw. Sorry to bug yer dinner ... Just didn't wanna hold onto those any longer than necessary.

DC 6:56
Thats cool, we arn't there yet but on the way

Me 6:57
Okey dokes. I might have more world-class chocolate ice cream for dinner ;-) ... Buhbyez, baby. :-*

DC 6:58
Ok hun, bye

--- --- --- ---

DC 10:32p
Hey hun, what are you up to?

Me 10:39
I was doing the last shmokies when ya chimed in. Wussup wich you?

DC 10:41
Nothing really, just sitting at the sports bar watching ECW, LOL

Me
*nods* going well? Is this *the* bar? I'm having trouble keeping track ...

DC 10:42
No, this place is close to their house. The bar is in DC

Me 10:44
Ah. Ok, thx for clarifying. I'll prolly ask again, tho' ... You know how I am. Especially since all I know is "sports bar" "freak bar" "the bar" etc. ;-)

DC 10:45
Lol, yeah

Me
Get in touch with the adult store?

DC 10:46
So when this is over we will be headed out

Me 10:47
Oh, ok. G'luck.

DC
Yeah, the guy seemed cool. He said that he would know by the first of the week

Me 10:48
This week? Or next. Not sure of the timeline, here, sorry.

DC 10:49
First part of next week

Me
Ok. Well he needs to make up his damn mind & hire ya! :: snickerage ::

DC 10:50
Lol, yep, I agree

Me 10:51
I eMailed you a video. Lemme know how it works out.

DC
Ok, what is it?

Me
Puppiness :-)

DC 10:54
Ben ben?

Me
Yep. She was very funny with her chewie.

DC 10:55
Ok, I will have to check it out before I go sleepies

Me 10:56
Okey dokes. It looks like she's trying to catch a metronome ;-)

DC 10:57
Oh god this should be good

Me 10:58
:: snickerage :: yup. I've downloaded over 150 songs from Limewire tonight. Got 30 more queued up. One's called Ragnarok. Its actually pretty good.

DC 10:59
Cool, I'm glad you like limewire

Me 11:00
Me, too. Thx for telling me about it. And I love it on Ubuntu. Practically impossible for someone to go where I don't want 'em or gimme a virus.

DC 11:01
Cool

Me 11:02
Yeah. But now I can't get Playlist.com to work :-( ... Flash is already installed, so I dunno what the issue is.

DC 11:03
That is wierd

Me
*nods*

Me 11:05
And I'm finally getting some Chloe Agnew stuff. She's amazing! Crisp & clear lyrical soprano. One of the 4 Celtic Women on the PBS Specials. She's 15yo.

DC
Ok, we are about to get out of here

Ok.

DC 11:06
Wow, thats really cool

Me
Yeah. Her voice literally gives me chills & brings tears to my eyes almost any song she does.

DC 11:07
Yeah, I will be going sleepies earily again tonight

Wow

Me 11:08
:: snickerage :: ok, hun. I'll be going seepie-byes soon, too. Gotta be at the store by 10am, and ready for customers ... Eeeep!

Her Ave Maria is awesome.

DC
Have fun with that, LOL

DC 11:09
I bet so

Me
thththphphphttt ;-p ... Thx.

I can eMail it to you, or its on Limewire.

DC 11:10
Yeah, that is a bad time of morning for me, LOL

DC 11:11
I will check it out

Me
dittage for me. Although 10 is better than 8 ... Or 4 like I used to do at TJs.

Okey dokes.

DC 11:12
Yeah, I agree

Me 11:13
So I've gotten a weird mix of songs. Rammstein, Korn, Marilyn Manson, Chloe, Amy Lee, Staind, Depeche Mode, K C & the Sunshine Band ...

DC 11:15
Good god, that is a wierd mix

Me 11:17
Oh, yeah. Creed, DMX, 50 Cent, Chevelle, Pearl Jam, Eminem, Seether, Slipknot, and Tori Amos. In case the first list wasn't eclectic enough for ya ;-)

DC 11:18
Damn, that kinda hurts my nugget, LOL

Me 11:19
LOL! Sorry. Its just fine with Vicodin, anti-depressant, and Bacardi.

DC 11:20
I bet it is :-P LOL

Me 11:21
The headache that started that mix, however, is still alive & well. Somewhat more tame, but certainly still kicking my ass.

DC 11:22
That sucks hun, I'm sorry

Me
Yup, it does. I'm ready to run my head under a semi's tires.

DC 11:24
Don't do that now

Me 11:25
I know. It just sounds like a good idea. One of those "it looked better on paper" kinda things, I'm guessing.

DC 11:26
Stop that please

Me
Ok. Just sent you a link to Bruce Campbell on Facebook.

DC 11:28
Ok, I'm going to check out the vid and hit the bed I think

Me
Okey dokes. Nie-nie. Someone would send a woof your way, but she's already snoring.

DC 11:30
I know, I will talk to you tomorrow then. Night hun

Me
Okey dokes. Buhbyez, baby.

DC 11:31
Bye

6.1.2009

2009-06-02T00:16:00.001-04:00

DC 12:50p
Hey hun, what are you up to today?

Me 1:18
Hi. PCg, then orientation, then prolly more PCg. You?

DC 1:19
Nothing much as of now

Me
Ok. Feeling better today?

DC 1:21
Some, I think the rest did me alot of good

Me
That's good. Any job news?

DC 1:22
Not yet, still hopeing though

Me
I'll bet.

DC 1:23
Yep

Me 1:24
Ben's being velcro-dog today.

Me 1:29
Been awhile since I heard back on Ben being a velcro dog today. You ok? Didja get the message?

DC 1:30
Sorry hun, I just got both of them, LOL

Me 1:31
:: snickerage :: figures.

DC 1:32
Yeah, coverage has been kinda skechie today

Me 1:33
Gotcha. I'm organizing all the old files on the "new" PC. Four backup disks were unreadable, two crashed the computer.

DC
So why is she acting like that today?

Me 1:34
Dunno. Kinda concerns me. It usually means at least one of us isn't feeling good :-(

DC 1:35
Damn that sucks

Me
Yeah.

DC 1:36
What do you mean?

Me
Meijer is selling a mini-notebook with Ubuntu for $249. 80Gig hard drive, 1Gig memory, wi-fi & web-cam built in.

Me 1:37
I mean that I agree that it sucks that Ben's being a velcro dog because that usually means at least one of doesn't feel well.

DC
Wow, that would be nice to have

Me 1:38
Yeah. Price good thru the 12th. Be nice to have fundage by then.

DC
Oh ok, that one confused me, LOL

Me 1:39
*nods* it certainly seemed to.

DC 1:40
It did

Me
Ok

DC 1:42
Well I need food. Can I get back to you in a bit?

Me
Ok. Enjoy :-)

DC
Ty hun, ttyl

Me 1:43
Yer welcome, buhbyez.

DC
Bye

--- --- --- ---

DC 2:52p
Hey hun, what are you up to now?

Me 3:09
Hey. Was in the shower when ya texted. Dressed now. Wussup?

DC 3:15
Nothing really, just got back from taking the dog out

Me 3:16
Must be nice to be so relaxed ;-) ... How's the thimble-pup?

DC 3:17
Hyper as hell

Me 3:18
Glad Ben's not like that ... Albe was ...

DC 3:19
Yeah, she still likes to play though, LOL

Me 3:21
Yep. I'm driving.

DC 3:22
Where are you off to?

Me
Orientation.

DC 3:24
Oh ok, I didn't think that was til later

Me
It *is* later for a lot of people ;-)

DC 3:25
No, I ment like 6pm

Me
That's when its over.

DC 3:26
Oh, I thought you started at 6

Me 3:27
Nope. Starts at 4p.

DC
Oh ok

DC 3:28
Well I hope it goes well for you

Me 3:29
Thx. Me, too. I called to confirm yesterday cuz they never called with my hourly rate. Never heard back. Not nervous about that at all ...

DC 3:31
Yeah, that could get kinda upsetting

Me 3:32
Not upset, yet. But if I go there & I'm not hired or am getting a lot less than the discussed wage, then maybe I'll re-think this whole calm thing.

DC 3:33
Yeah

Me 3:35
Your turn to pick a topic. I'm still driving. Its only 6miles, but there's a lotta traffic.

DC 3:36
How's everything else going?

Me 3:39
The data coordination/organizing is going slowly. Then again, the problem's taken almost a decade to develop.

DC 3:40
Wow

Me
Wow what?

DC 3:41
About the data thing

Me 3:42
Ok. I sent a pic, too, & that response coulda worked for that as well. Sitting in the parking lot.

DC 3:43
Thats cool too

Me
I just don't think "Quakers" when I look at that bldg.

DC 3:44
Me either

Me 3:45
I've had a PC (or 2 (or 3)) at home since the mid-80s. So the files just get transferred to the new one. All of a sudden, you've got lotsa copies & don't know what's what anymore, ya?

Me 3:50
Well, I sent a message 5mins ago & haven't heard back & its about time for me to go in. Buh bye for now, hun.

DC 3:51
Sorry hun, was in the rest room

--- --- --- ---

Me 5:15p
Its ok. Wasn't sure if you were bizzy or it was the sketchy service ;-) ... I'm done for today. Gotta go buy khaki pants for tomorrow :-(

DC 5:16
So tomorrow is your first day?

Me 5:17
I'm in training tomorrow & Wednesday 10a-2p. Today is my first day ... Worked a little over an hour ;-)

DC 5:18
Cool

Me 5:20
Yup. And I get 3 more denim shirts.

DC 5:21
Yeah!!!

Me 5:22
:-D ... I'm down to a men's large now.

DC 5:23
Cool hun

Me
Yup. I got 1 XL just in case ;-) ... It is brownie week, afterall ...

DC 5:25
Yeah, well thats why you're not feeling well

Me 5:26
I'm sure that's part of it. Plus the anti-depressants aren't fully up & running, yet. That'll take another 3 weeks or so, which I'm sure messes with the moods.

DC 5:27
Yep, I'm sure

Me 5:28
Yeah. I can feel the depression & anger fighting the med. Unfortunately a lot today.

DC 5:29
I'm sorry hun

Me 5:30
Thx. It just feels really weird. I'm pissed as hell, but I'm not. I wanna crash into a ball & sob, but not really. Very confusing :-(

DC 5:31
That really sucks hun

Me 5:32
Yeah it does. I'm betting that's why my neck & shoulders are *soooo* tense. Oh & Ben's seeing the vet Wednesday after work, before dinner w/ Bob & EJ.

DC 5:33
Ok, I hope she is ok

Me 5:34
Me, too.

DC 5:35
So what are you doing tonight?

Me 5:36
Right now looking for khaki pants. Then continuing into the PC data abyss.

DC 5:37
Have fun with that

Me
Um, yeah. Any clue which bar y'all will be at tonight? ;-)

DC 5:38
Very funny

Me
LOL! I certainly thought so.

DC 5:39
We will be going to dinner soon though

Me
Okey dokes. Know where yer going yet?

DC
I bet you did, LOL

DC 5:40
Not a clue

Me 5:41
:: snickerage :: figured as much. Hey, here's the pair of pants I donated a few weeks ago.

DC
Huh?

Me 5:42
I'm at the salvation army store.

DC 5:43
Oh, ok

Me 5:45
Don't suppose they'd believe I'm colorblind & can't tell the difference between orange & khaki ...

DC 5:46
Not so much, LOL

Me 5:47
Damn ;-) ... First pair fits like my tailor made 'em!

DC
Wow

Me
$6. Five more to try.

DC 5:48
LOL

Me
2nd pair rocks. If I was about 5" taller.

DC 5:49
That was always a problem for you huh?

Me 5:50
thththphphphttt ;-p

DC 5:51
LOL

Me
OMG! A pair that's *too* short!

DC 5:52
Wow

Me 5:53
Ok, 3 pairs work. Yes, one's the super tall. I know how to use a stapler.

DC
LOL

Me 5:54
The cut would look awesome with high-heeled boots.

DC 5:55
Thats great hun. I hope you like them

Me 5:56
Me, too. They're really expensive ... $5. Uh oh. Full length leather trench. In my size. $25 ... Brb.

DC 5:57
Lol, ok

Me
Black.

DC 5:58
Nice

Me
Yeah.

Me 6:04
Didja get the pic?

DC 6:05
Yeah, it really looks nice

Me 6:06
Yeah. The leather needs some tlc & its missing a button. Otherwise it fits & feels like an old friend.

DC 6:07
How much is it?

Me 6:08
$25

DC 6:09
Thats not bad. You better jump on that

Me
I'm seriously thinking about it. Found something else ... Pic coming soon ...

DC 6:10
Ok

DC 6:12
Wow

Me 6:13
Its $1!! Oh, baby, I'm gonna send that in yer next care package :-D

DC
Sure you will

Me 6:14
:: snickerage :: maybe not. Cuz then I'd hafta touch it ...

DC
Yep

Me 6:15
Ok, so maybe yer safe on that one.

DC 6:16
Cool, time 4 dinner

Me
Ok. Enjoy. Will you get in touch with me later?

DC 6:17
Yep, bye 4 now

Me
Okey dokes. Buh bye for now, baby.

Me 6:18
Sorry, I know I said bye, but wtf ... 2 distinct & very different dreams happened today. Gah!

DC
What was that?

Me 6:19
One during orientation, & two kids in front of me here at the store. Word for wordl everything. Folks I've never met.

DC 6:20
Oh ok

DC 6:24
It looks nice on you

Me 6:25
Thx. Your opinion means a lot to me. Really, buhbyez, hun.

DC
Ok, bye

--- --- --- ---

DC 10:10p
Hey hun. What are you up to?

Me 10:11
If ya had ta guess what I'm doing, what would it be? :: snickerage ::

DC 10:12
Playing on the computer

Me 10:14
Yep. I'm all done with the data disks. Well, except for 2 folders of pix that hava bazillion sub-folders. Onto the MP3 discs now. What're you up to?

DC 10:15
Just watching Raw

Me 10:16
Ok. Enjoying it?

DC 10:17
So far, lol. Computer still working well?

Me 10:18
:: snickerage :: color me shocked on Raw. And yeah, mostly. Found 2 more disks that crashed it. Neither is anything I particularly care about.

DC 10:19
Well atleast its not anything you can't live without

Me 10:21
*nods* so the pay at the grocery store is interesting. I get $8.25/hr. Add $2/hr for weekends, $2/hr for holidays, & $.50/hr for nights.

DC 10:22
Wow, thats not bad at all

Me 10:24
Nope. So if I worked July 4th 5-11p, I'd get $12.75/hr. If I'd already been there 90 days, I'd get 4 hrs base pay on top of that cuz its a holiday.

DC 10:25
Damn

Me
*nods* no wonder everyone seems so happy to work there ;-)

DC 10:26
Right

Me 10:27
Plus ... I'm up for review & a raise in 6 months, again at my 1 year anniversary, and then every year after that. Assuming I don't get promoted by then.

DC 10:28
Wow, sounds really good hun

Me 10:29
Yep. That's why I jumped at this chance to get in there.

DC 10:30
Yeah, well I'm about to take a shower in a few mins

Me
And I got 3 new denim shirts (ok, 2 on order, be here Wednesday) for ... free!

Me 10:31
Oh, ok. Buhbyez.

DC
LOL

DC
Talk to you in a bit hun

Me 10:32
Ok.

--- --- --- ---

DC 11:29p
Hey hun, hows the computing going?

Me 11:31
:: snickerage :: when a manual says "can process an unlimited # of files", I don't think they thought somebody'd say, ok, I'll do all 3316 files at once then.

Me 11:32
Yeah. Its only doing 912 of the 3664 I told it to do. So much for "unlimited" ...

DC
Lol, did you crash the PC again?

Me 11:33
Nope! :-D

DC
Yep

Me
LOL! It says its got 798 minutes to go ...

DC
Wow, I'm impressed

Me 11:34
Its not windows ...

DC
Damn

Right

Me 11:35
Of course, its counting down by about 23 seconds every second, so we're down to 675mins already.

DC
How much more are you doing tonight?

Me
If this machine could "run" vista, its certainly gonna be good for Ubuntu.

DC 11:36
Thats good

Me
Dunno. Gotta wait for my clothes to dry so they're not wrinkly.

DC
Yeah

DC 11:37
Yeah, I think I'm going to sleep earily tonight. I'm actually tired, LOL

Me
I was just gonna let it run during seepie-byes. And, uh, the clothes are still in the washer :-(

Me 11:38
Again?! :: gasp! :: what *is* this world coming to? ... ;-) ...

DC
Damn, that sucks

Me 11:39
Yeah. Gotta be there at 10a, too :-(

DC
I know. Its the stupid meds

Damn

Me 11:40
:: snickerage :: good thing there's more of those meds waiting for you in Charlotte, I think.

DC
Yeah, I know, LOL

Me 11:41
Wasn't sure. You've been quite forgetful lately, ya know.

DC 11:42
Yeah, I know

Me
Any particular reason why?

DC 11:43
I really don't know. I've just been off

Me 11:44
Ok. And just to let you know, I've been working *very* hard to be understanding & *not* hold the past against, given how many of our fights were because you felt I should remember better than you are now. Just and FYI, ok?

DC 11:48
Ok hun, thanks

Me
Yer welcome. Its giving me a lotta practice ;-)

DC 11:50
Cool hun. Well I just finished my last cig of for the night. I think it's sleepie time

Me 11:51
Ok. G'night, baby. Want me to text before work? ;-) ... Figured you might be getting up earlier, too ... :: snickerage ::

DC 11:53
If you want to. Don't be upset if I don't answer back for a while, LOL

Me
:: snickerage :: okey dokes. Buh bye for now, hun.

DC 11:54
Bye baby

6.1.2009 -- Thoughts of the Day

2009-06-01T11:24:00.001-04:00

Last night he said he'd talk to me all day today. That oughta be interesting. First off, he probably won't even get up until the afternoon, then need a couple hours to eat, smoke, etc., and then it'll be time for me to go to work for orientation.

How I feel
Pissed cuz he doesn't seem to be taking this self-responsibility thing seriously.

Jealous cuz he's having all this fun, and he's gotta "sugar couple" to totally take care of him.

Hurt that they're more important than me.

Scared that I'm wasting time & this isn't all gonna work out.

Angry that he gets to say "I can't do this with you today," but if I try that, then its proof I never cared.

Hurt that he called me a liar in last week's fight, but then implied that we had indeed fought (meaning I was right & therefore not a liar) and then said it was always my fault because I took things personally or out of context.

Sick of hearing him say "I've done nothing wrong, why are you doing this to me." Well duh, first of all, I obviously don't agree or else I wouldn't feel this way. Secondly, stop saying this phrase when I've explained it several times & you'd rather say this than listen to me. And third, I'm not doing anything *to* you, ya fuckin' victim. Its not like I'm strangling you.

If I hear "what do you mean", I swear I'm gonna just cut off the conversation. Think for just a couple of seconds as to what it means.

I'd love to stand up for myself again. But if I do, then its a nasty argument because he thinks this proves I never cared about him. Too bad this also means I can't stand up for myself in any situation. Like kurt. Or the PUs. Or even for & with myself. Good thing I'm not going into downtown Detroit anymore ... Someone did something, that'd just be too bad for me, then DC'd be all "sorry, wish I'd been there" blah blah blah. What frickin' ever. Bottom line is that I hafta be nothing so he can be something.

I'd love to stop saying "I love you" to the PUs. But no, I have to or else I'm stuck on the street. Lovely. I gotta be the good little girl while party boy makes me responsible for everything bad & waits at his sugar couple's "home" until I can get us physically back together.

Maybe he wouldn't get so stressed out when someone (as in me) holds him accountable if he'd actually take responsibility & get stuff done. Like getting a job. Like being awake. Like being happy without being stoned or drunk.

And then there's ambiguous responses. Hello, we're talking about 2 or more things, here. Just "huh?" doesn't tell me a lot. What don't you understand? Or am I supposed to just assume what you didn't get? Oh, but that's right, if I cared, I wouldn't assume. No double standard there. I have to be clear and thorough and not make any assumptions, but you can be ambiguous and convoluted as you'd like. Yeah. That's fair. Oh, yeah. Its only unfair when you're the one negatively impacted.

5.31.2009

2009-06-01T02:13:00.002-04:00

Me 1:32a
Still doing ok, hun? How many fingers am I holding up? ;-)

DC 1:33
15, that's a neat trick, LOL

Me
LOL! I got some mad skillz, baby!

DC 1:34
Lol, yeah you do. We are almost home

Me 1:35
Oh, and I burned a disc anyway cuz you said you had the _cd_, but its most of a _dvd_ ...

Okey dokes. I'm still playing with Mr. PC.

DC
Ok, thanks

DC 1:36
Is it getting any better?

Me
Yer welcome. So ... Almost means ... Done texting soon? Er what? Hopefully whoever's driving is fairly sober.

Me 1:37
Yup! Except ... I could access the second drive, read & write, even formatted it. But now I can't write to it. Gotta check that out.

DC 1:38
Yep, 1 mostly sober, 1 kinda drunk, then you have me, LOL

Me
:: snickerage :: gotcha.

DC 1:40
That is wierd

Me 1:41
Yeah. I dunno. That can be done later. Still got over 100Gig of space on the current drive. Plus I'm running the 64bit version now. Suhweet!

DC
I'm having to retype half what I say, LOL

Me 1:42
Ok, baby. I take it you be ready for seepie-byes?

DC 1:43
It must be nice having that kind of space, LOL

Pretty soon I think

Me 1:44
Big-time :-D ... I hava usable PC again. And with the 64bit OS its just a *lot* faster & there's cooler gadgets & software toys.

Ok, hun. You lemme know ... If ya can ;-)

DC 1:45
Oh god, you have a new toy

DC 1:46
A few more mins anyway

Me
The funniest was the video driver. I'm finding all these messed up "hope it works" ways to get good resolution. Finally said fuck-it, I'll deal. Soi made a change to one of the screen settings, and voila, it seamlessly did all the updates for me :-D

Me 1:47
Oh, I gotta new toy ... Discovering all kinds of stuff. Best of all, this is all *free* :-D

DC
Thats cool

Me 1:48
*nods*

DC
Thats always good

Me 1:49
Found the files for your online books, btw. Unfortunately they're in a very old, highly secure file format that I may not be able to crack open :-(

Me like fwee.

DC 1:50
That sucks, I hope you can crack it

Me 1:51
Yeah. I've posted the prob online. Hopefully I'll getta response that works :: crossing paws ::

DC
Yeah, good luck with that

Me 1:53
Thx. What was really cool about that format was that it was a database. So someone could ask for leelee the female sub & Rupert as the male Dom. I enter that into a dialog box, push print, and it eMailed a PDF of a story all about them.

DC 1:54
Wow

Me
Yup. And I wrote that in 1997.

DC 1:55
Cool

Me 1:56
Yeah. I was getting like $3-5 a page cuz nobody else could do that, yet. Oh, well.

DC
Yeah.

Me 1:57
Hey ... I just found the worms install file. You want that?

Me 1:58
OMG! Worms is available *free* for Ubuntu!

DC 1:59
Damn, now you find that, lol. Yeah I would like that please

Me 2:00
:: snickerage :: ok.

DC
Ty

Me 2:02
Yer welcome. I got both the windows install on a disc, and the Linux version on this PC. It looks different. Could be *like* worms rather than Worms.

Me 2:03
Like you can have different character types. Worms, aliens, chickens, ...

DC
Right

Cool

Me
*nods*

Me 2:04
I'll send you the link cuz its available for Windows, too, I think.

DC
I need to lay down hun, sorry

DC 2:05
Cool, ty

Me
Ok, hunnie, I understand. Text me tomorrow?

Yer welcome, baby.

DC
Ok hun, night

DC 2:06
Ok

Me
Nie-nie :-*

--- --- --- ---

Me 11:44a
G'mornin' ;-) ... How's my baby this fine day? the PUs just left & should be gone for a few hours.

DC 12:52p
Sorry hun, I just woke up

Me
I sorta figured. You were a bit out of it at 2am ;-)

DC 12:53
Yeah

Me
How're ya feeling today?

DC 12:54
Ok I guess, still kinda sleepy

Me 12:55
I'll bet. Sleep good? As in all the way thru or fairly close?

DC 12:56
Huh?

Me 12:57
You've been saying that you only sleep a few hours at a time, and its not always "good" sleep at that, like you still don't feel rested.

DC 12:58
Yeah. I feel ok right now

Me
That's good.

DC 12:59
Yeah

Me
I converted all the WAV files I found in your Music folder to cellphone-friendly sizes. Want 'em? Or I could send *all* music & you decide what to keep ;-)

DC 1:02
Yeah send all of them to me

Me 1:03
Okey dokes. That's a couple DVDs worth ;-)

DC
Wow

Me 1:05
Yeah. Each DVD holds about 30%more than my phone's new memory card

DC
Thats a lot

Me 1:06
Yup. & my card is twice the size of yours. So you should hava lot to choose from ;-) ... Want the other 2G card since yours is hot-swappable?

DC 1:07
Ok, thanks

Me 1:08
Okey dokes, yer welcome.

DC 1:09
Well I need to eat baby

Me
Ok, sweetie. Text me again later while the PUs are still out?

DC 1:10
Sure

Me
Oh, I just saw the time. Hopefully they'll go out to lunch. If not, they'll be back in a half-hour or so :-(

DC 1:11
Damn

Me
Buh bye for now, baby. Happy foodage.

DC 1:12
Thanks hun. Bye

--- --- --- ---

Me 3:54p
How's it going?

DC 3:55
Ok I guess. I just feel really drained

Me
:-( ... What from?

DC 3:57
I don't know hun. I woke up feeling really sore and tired. I hope I didn't get a spring cold

Me
Eeep! Me, too.

DC 3:59
I'm really light sensitive today and I'm all achie

Me
Sorry, hun. Maybe ... Its your ... First ... Hangover ...

DC 4:00
No, my stomach is fine

Me 4:01
:: snickerage :: okey dokes. Glad for that, at least.

DC 4:03
Me too, maybe its just bad allergies

Me
Could be.

DC 4:04
Yeah. So what do you have planned for the rest of the day?

Me
Contacted eMusic cuz their download manager worked in ubuntu 9 32bit version, but doesn't even install on the 64bit version. Tech Support only does Windows.

DC 4:05
Wierd

Me
PCg. Catching up on all the crap that's been waiting for this thing to be stable. Which has been *never*, and I bought a few months before you got to Ohio.

Me 4:06
Yeah. I *pay* for this "service"? Sheesh.

DC
LOL

Me 4:07
:: snickerage :: wussup with you later?

DC 4:08
Going to eat then... ? You know?

Me
:: snickerage :: um, yeah.

DC 4:10
There is no telling what they may feel like doing. Hopefully it will be an earily night

Me
Feeling that good, huh?

DC 4:12
Yeah, it kinda feels like every part of my body slept wrong, LOL

Me 4:13
Ick. Take a couple aspirin, ibuprofen, or naproxen?

DC 4:14
Yeah, already on that one

Me
I sorta figured. But I know sometimes its easy to forget the basics.

DC 4:16
Yeah, I just hope that I'm not getting sick

Me
Me, too :: crossing paws ::

Me 4:17
I think I've finally overloaded Ubuntu ... 30 windows with multiple processes each, and its a touch slow. ;-)

DC 4:18
God, those updates helped

Me 4:19
Yepperoonies! :-D

DC 4:20
Well I need to start getting ready to go to dinner. Text later?

Me 4:21
Stupid tech support. Didn't bother to mention the changes wouldn't take effect until I logged out & then back in. Sheesh.

DC 4:22
So it's working fine now?

Me 4:23
Kinda. It was but now its not. Hoe din-din's good & ya feel better soonish. Buh bye for now, baby.

DC 4:24
Bye

--- --- --- ---

Me 8:32p
Whacha up to?

DC 8:34
Sitting around talking about what we are doing tonight

Me
:: snickerage :: gotcha. Buh bye for now so y'all can concentrate on that?

DC 8:35
Ok, are you doing ok?

Me 8:36
Mostly. Just a bit of a swing every once in a while. But I *did* finally get *all* the data off the Pearl today :-D

DC 8:38
Cool, well do something fun and we can text later?

Me 8:39
I'll be PCg ;-). Later good. Buhbyez, hun.

DC
Bye

--- --- --- ---

Me 9:25p
OMFG! I'm copying a single DVD to *8* folders on the hard drive. At once! :-D ... I'm such a nerd ;-)

DC 9:26
Damn, thats great

Me
Heeee! Yep, I found a way to have fun all by myself that doesn't involve Miss Michigan ;-)

DC 9:27
Cool, atleast it is working well now

Me 9:28
:-D ... Sorry to bother you. Ben just was *not* impressed ...

DC 9:29
Thats cool hun. Ttyl

Me
Buhbyez, baby.

DC 9:31
Bye

--- --- --- ---

DC 10:59p
Hey hun, what are you up too?

Me 11:00
Hi. Still copying music over. You?

DC 11:01
On the way home, I'm going to go sleppies earily tonight, LOL

Me 11:02
Ok. What did you end up doing? Bowling again?

DC 11:03
No, we went down the street to a little sports bar

Me
Ah. Drinking again ;-)

DC 11:04
Just a couple, I'm still not feeling right

Me 11:05
Ok.

DC
Yeah, I hope rest helps

Me 11:06
Me, too.

DC
So the computer is doing much better huh?

DC 11:07
Yeah.

DC 11:08
Thats good, how are you doing?

Me
11 copy operations from 2 sources to 3 destinations seems to be the limit. Then its s*u*p*e*r slow.

DC 11:09
Well thats alot better than it was

Me
Kinda hurt. I feel like your friends, whether its drinking or talking about drinking, are more important than me. You regularly need to stop talking to me to be with them.

Me 11:10
Seriously, I dunno *any* version of windows that would do all the stuff I've gotten done today.

DC 11:11
I'm sorry hun. We will talk all day tomorrow, ok?

Damn

Me
:: shrug :: its ok, I get it. You can talk to me tomorrow cuz they won't be there.

DC 11:13
No baby, its not like that. I just was all ouchie. I'm sorry if I hurt you, ok?

Me
Yeah. Windows sux ;-). Oh, T thinks kurt's gonna let her go soon, too. She's gotten three "lectures" in 2 days, and has to train someone next week how to do her job.

Me 11:14
Thx. But its not just today. Its almost every day.

DC
Damn, that has to suck, training your replacement

DC 11:15
Sorry hun

Me
Yeah. Of course he hasn't said it that way. He's such an arrogant ass.

DC 11:16
Damn, I'm glad you're out of there

Me
Thx. Do you understand what I mean? Like I text you, you text back for a few minutes, then its LOL I gotta go in they bought me another drink.

Me, too. Big-time.

DC 11:17
I'm sorry baby. I will try harder to be better about it

Me 11:18
I've trained my replacement before, but I'd given 2 weeks notice, so it was fine.

Thx, hun. Its starting to sound like yer an alcoholic :-(

DC 11:19
Yeah, thats totally different. You made the choice, not them

Me 11:20
Exactly. Nobody manipulated or lied. And yet his big thing is "honesty & integrity". Bull-puckies.

DC 11:21
No, I'm not really drinking that much. I had 2 tonight but over the weekend I was kinda out there, sorry for making you worry

Yeah, I would have hurt him huh?

Me 11:22
Ok, thx. Its hard to come back to me if you have a necrotic liver. Think *very* bad, dead would be better.

Yep.

DC 11:23
Damn

Me
So far 2 DVDs have failed. Hope they're dupes :-(

DC
So you have any plans for tomorrow?

Me 11:24
PCg & work.

DC
Damn, that sucks

Me
Yep.

DC
What time do you work?

Me 11:26
Guess you deleted the text where I sent my schedule, huh? ;-) ... In training Monday 4-6, Tuesday & Wednesday 10-2; then "my" store Saturday 10-6:30.

DC 11:27
Sorry hun. I don't remember seeing that one

Me
You were purty toasty by then. I'm not surprise ;-)

DC 11:28
Ok

DC 11:29
I will be happy to lay down tonight, I need to strech out

Me 11:30
:: snickerage :: sounds like a plan. I ended up taking a tram. The weather fluctuations are horrible for me.

DC 11:31
Yeah that does make it harder on you

Me
*nods*

DC 11:33
I wish I could do something to make you feel better

Me
Thx, me, too. What would be awesome is a massage, but you don't do those :-(

DC 11:34
I would 4 you. I really miss holding you

Me 11:35
Awww, thx. :: sniff :: I miss being held & holding you, too.

DC 11:36
Hopefully soon, right?

Me 11:37
That'd be nice, but I have no idea how since kurt fucked us over on that, and you won't do a short trip, so I'm assuming you wouldn't want me to try & visit, either, even if I had a place for me & Ben to stay.

DC 11:39
We will see hun. Once I get settled totally it will be easier to know whats going on, you know?

Me 11:40
Zackly. And you don't seem quite settled yet ... ;-)

DC
Nope, LOL

Me 11:41
Plus there's the money & scheduling, but that's just being picky ;-)

:: snickerage ::

DC
Lol, yeah

Me 11:42
I hate feeling trapped. But I'm getting lots of practice :: sigh ::

DC
Sorry hun

Me 11:43
Thx. Me, too. Plus the *only* night I could make it out there this also happens to be the only night P can't get together. Plweah.

DC 11:44
P who?

Me 11:46
That I used to work with at W. You met her, but you were pretty mad at me that day. The offices in the blue house in A2 during one of your first trips up here.

DC
Oh ok

Me 11:48
They have "Chez Mc's". Its 3 of the bays in their 5 bay garage. Its a full bar (really from a bar that re-modeled) & fully stocked. But I gotta drive back & its about 45mins from here.

DC 11:49
Ok

Me
Sometimes they even have games there.

DC
Wow

Me
Yup. Its a nice setup. And its all free for the patrons.

DC 11:50
Thats really cool

Me
We'd been invited to go there that same trip, but you were too pissed at me to even talk about it :-(

DC 11:51
Sorry hun

Me
Its ok. You don't like my friends. I understand.

DC 11:52
I never said that. Stop it please

Me 11:55
Um, but you have said it many times, hun. That was one of the reasons you didn't wanna come up here is cuz you didn't like them so we'd be stuck at my parents, and we know how that worked out. But if you wanna forget about that, that's ok, too.

DC 11:56
I can't do this tonight hun

Me
Ok.

Me 11:57
G'night, then. I hope you rest well & feel better tomorrow.

DC
I hope you get more chances to see them now

DC 11:58
Ok hun. I took a couple of the pills you sent me before. They are kicking in pretty well, LOL

Me 11:59
Good ;-) ... That oughta help with seepies, and maybe achies cuz you'll be so relaxed.

DC 12:00a (6/1)
Thats what I'm hopeing for

Me
G'luck!

DC
Ty hun

Me 12:01
Yer welcome. Buhbyez, baby.

DC
Bye, night, luvs you

Me 12:02
:: snickerage :: that's adorable. Luv ya, too :-)

DC 12:03
Night

Re-Ordered Listings

2009-05-31T18:53:00.002-04:00

If you're a regular reader (and I see there are several!), you'll notice that the posts are now actually in chronological order! Should help things make a bit more sense. Granted I still have some more historical things to add, but those shouldn't be too awfully ickie to get in order, ya know?

Anywayz, I look forward to lots more regular posts, and not just these crazy conversations ... Also, I'm writing again, and putting things up on Lulu ... see the link in the upper-right corner. Woo hoo!

Thanks for dropping in,

T.

5.30.2009

2009-05-30T23:59:00.000-04:00

Me 2:05a
How's it going?

DC 2:06
Pretty good, about ready for sleepies

DC 2:12
You sleeping again?

DC 2:19
You there hun?

DC 2:25
Ok I guess you went back to sleep, I'm on my way to bed too. Ttyt.

Me 2:45
Sorry. I forgot I turned the ringer off.

DC 2:46
Its ok, you feeling ok?

Me
Feeling weird.

DC 2:47
Whats wrong?

Me 2:48
Nothing's wrong. At least I don't think so. Just feel kinda off. Like I feel like I'm moody, but I'm not.

DC 2:50
Thats not good hun. Do you think its the new meds?

Me
And the bite guard is interesting. I can't close my mouth. So I slept with a tissue to, uh, catch the fallout. That's gross.

DC 2:51
Lol, I bet so

Me
Not sure what its from. I was very down this evening, so this is an improvement ;-)

DC 2:52
Damn, I'm sorry hun

Me
:: snickerage :: that's what woke me up. Moved a bit & felt the tissue. Eeeuuuuuwwwww! But way better that than the pillowcase ;-)

DC 2:54
Yeah, that wouldn't be good

Me
:: shrug :: thx, suhweetie. My guess is that the first anti-depressant was still wearing off when I started this one, and the first one kicked in quicker.

DC 2:55
Yeah

Me
Nnnnnooooo ... Especially since I've got summer sheets, now, so this dense foamy pillow would've gotten wet. I don't wanna know what that's like.

DC 2:56
I'm about to fall asleep on you, I'm sorry hun

Me
I'm also guessing that that's why the second one starts off at one pill a day for a week, then moves to two per day.

DC 2:57
I can totally understand that hun

Me
Ok, baby ... Big smile & a nuzzle ... Go seepies. Talk/text with ya tomorrowz. Buhbyez, baby.

DC 2:58
To slowly get use to it I guess. Sounds like you're not quite use to it yet

DC 3:00
Ok hun. I hope you sleep well. Night sweetie, bye

--- --- --- ---

Me 12:06p
LOL! Ya know how Ben shakes the duck sometimes when she picks it up? Well, she just shook it right outta her mouth. Confused the poor puppy ;-)

DC 1:28
Sorry it took me so long to get back to you hun. Hows your day?

Me 1:30
Ok. Playing w/ Ubuntu video drivers. Gonna see Star Trek, but not IMAX ... Turns out that was a "limited engagement" & that's over now ... Whatcha up to today?

DC 1:32
Not sure yet. No plans have been made yet

Me
Gotcha. Get w/ D on the move, yet?

DC 1:33
No, not yet

Me 1:34
Um, ok ...

DC 1:35
I'll do that soon though

Me
Okey dokes. Time for a shower. Ttyl?

DC
Ok

Me 1:36
Buhbyez, hunnie.

DC
Bye

--- --- --- ---

Me 4:57p
OMG! Star Trek is fuckin' AWESOME!! It might be my new favorite film of all time :-D ... Can't chat now, tho' ... Just wanted to letcha know. Ttyl, baby :-*

DC
Ok, cool

Me 5:30
Hey, baby. I can chat now. You?

DC 5:31
We are about to go eat

Me
Figures. Sorry. Buh bye for now.

DC 5:32
Thats cool. Bye 4 now

--- --- --- ---

DC 8:43p
What are you up to?

Me 8:44
Computering. You?

DC 8:45
Just got out of the shower. I feel better now

Me
That's good. How was dinner?

DC 8:46
Really good. How was yours?

Me 8:47
I had cereal. Where'd ya go? What'd have? What made it so good?

DC 8:48
Went to Chillis, had a good burger, and actually good service

Me 8:49
:: snickerage :: yeah, I remember the service could be kinda hit or miss. Going out tonight?

DC 8:51
Yeah I belive so

Me 8:52
That's a big soo-pwize. So ... Didja end up drinking last night? Or decide to take a night off?

DC
Took a night off

Me 8:53
Hope that worked well for ya :-) ... I'm having a Mike's Hard Cranberry Lemonade now. Needed something to take the anti-depressant with ;-)

DC 8:54
I bet so

Me 8:55
Night two on the 2nd purple pill. Hopefully it won't be as "odd" as yesterday. But I felt *much* better today, almost, dare I say, like a normal person.

DC 8:56
Thats good

Me 8:57
Yeah, I think so, too. Still random mood shifts outta the blue, but nowhere near as bad or for as long. Hopefully this trend will continue :: crossing paws ::

DC 8:58
That would be nice. I hope that happenes for me too

Me 8:59
That'd be terrif! :-D

DC 9:00
Yep, well I need to get dressed. Ttyl?

Me 9:01
Ok. Sorry I can't help ;-) ... Later works for me (any clue when?). Buh bye for now, hun.

DC 9:02
Not quite sure, sorry :-(

Me 9:03
Ok.

DC
Bye 4 now

--- --- --- ---

Me 10:33p
Dammit! Too bad I'm broke & locked into an AT&T contract. Sprint has a nationwide 4G network ... Think Hi-Definition quality vids on a cellphone ... Me want!!

DC 10:34
Damn,0that does sound good

Me
Think web-cam. Like I see you/you see me when we talk on the phone. We could add others to the call & see them, too. Using *less* power than current phones!

DC 10:36
What have you been up to?

DC 10:37
Wow, that sounds cool

Me
LOL! Um, geeking? Still updating PC, catching up on Facebook (you're behind now), playing with Ben, etc.

Me 10:38
Yeah! Imagine what the porn industry could do with that ;-)

DC 10:39
Cool, we are making up for last night, LOL

Me
:: snickerage :: congrats ;-)

DC
Oh god, that would be crazy

DC 10:40
Yeah, I'm a bit more relaxed tonight

Me
Hee! And real-time multi-player games. Those would fuckin' rawk!

Me 10:41
Well that's good. Why weren't you relaxed yesterday?

DC
Yeah it would

DC 10:42
Stressed out

Me
I *know* SCP can take advantage of this somehow ... The entertainment possibilities are boggling.

I'm sorry, hun. If it was me, I'm very sorry :-(

DC 10:43
Yeah but so are more of a chance for people doing live feeds

Me 10:44
Oh, hellz yeah. Give ST a cam at an event & charge folks to watch it live, like pay-per-view. And that's an easy one.

DC
A little but no big deal

Me
Yup. Might hafta invest in jamming equipment.

DC 10:45
Right

Yep

Me
Ok. Why didn't you say so when I'd asked yesterday? You only said that sometimes yer not in the mood :-(

Me 10:46
Of course, if this bringing back the stress, tell me & we'll stop talking about it, ok?

DC
I was trying to not make you feel bad, you know

Me
Ok, thx for that consideration.

Me 10:47
I didn't realize I was that fragile yesterday, sorry.

DC 10:48
It's fine hun

Me
(Puppy pic)

DC 10:49
Ok

DC 10:51
Well I better get back inside. I think they just got me another drink, LOL

Me 10:53
:: snickerage :: enjoy! Hope ya like the pic, too. Buh bye for now, hunnie.

DC 10:54
Demond dog, LOL

We did, bye 4 now

Me
Sorry about that. The last message took awhile to fail. Didn't mean to make you wait for your drink :-(

DC 10:55
It's cool hun

--- --- --- ---

Me 11:55p
I'm about to format the original Ubuntu drive. Do you wanna copy of your files? Its a lotta pix & songs, as near as I can tell.

DC 11:57
No, thats ok. The pics are easy to get back and the songs I still have on CD

Me
Okey dokes. Buh bye for now, again?

DC 11:58
I can talk for a few hun

Me
Oh, ok. How's it going now? Fun, I hope.

DC 12:00a (5.31.2009)
Yeah, I'm seeing 2 of everything right now, LOL

Me 12:01
LMFAO!! Cool :-D ... Maybe now is *not* the best time to chat looking at a teenie screen ... ;-)

DC
It does make texting kinda hard, LOL

Me 12:02
:: snickerage :: ok, hun. Buhbyez is good. Go enjoy drinkies, ok?

DC 12:03
Ok baby, thanks. Ttyl?

Me
Okey dokes. I'm still wide awake. Buh bye for now, baby.

DC 12:04
Ok, bye 4 now

5.29.2009

2009-05-29T23:36:00.001-04:00

Me 12:12p
G'mornin' ;-) ... How ya doing?

DC 1:14
Sorry hun, my phone was plugged in so I didn't know you sent me anything

Me 1:15
Okey dokes. How's yer day?

DC 1:17
Pretty good, just enjoying the weather

Me 1:18
That's good. Have you gotten a hold of D? She's in a bad way for her house :-(

DC
Huh?

Me 1:19
The bank's threatening to start foreclosure proceedings. She needs $200+ a month *now* or she'll lose her house.

DC 1:21
Damn. It would be best for me to move out so she can get someone else in there

Me
Yeah, sad to say.

DC 1:22
Well that I can do

Me 1:23
Ok. Just let her know, please? Its kinda stressy for her. Been thru that myself, so I know how ickie it gets.

DC 1:24
Ok

Me 1:25
Thx. Now I'm really bummed kurt did this shit. There's no way I can reasonably help D out, and she's been so awesome to help you & us :-(

DC 1:26
Yeah I know

Me 1:27
I sent him an eMail on how I'd work with him. I'll be surprised if he even responds.

DC 1:29
I know hun, I'm sorry

Me 1:32
Me, too. It would require too much effort on his part to know what he wants & how to communicate it ;-)

DC 1:33
Yeah I know

Me 1:34
What he was looking for in this letter was basically an apology from me & what I'll do better. Not gonna happen.

DC 1:36
Nope, if I can barely get one then there is noway in hell he will get one, LOL

Me
LMFAO!! Yup.

Me 1:37
Not only that, but I honestly don't see how I'm the one at fault. Like at all.

DC 1:38
Nope

Me 1:39
So I take it the D sitch means you'll prolly be moving in w/ S&N?

DC 1:40
Yeah, I have the offer so this is best all around

Me 1:41
*nods* too bad I can't be there.

DC 1:42
Yeah, but we are still going to be working to get me up there

Me 1:43
Yep.

DC 1:44
So what do you have planned for the day?

Me 1:46
Errands right now. Driving, smoking, *and* texting. Whew!laundry later, then PC futzing. You?

DC 1:47
Eatting, and going out later and thats all I know of

Me 1:48
*nods* so drinking ;-)

DC 1:49
Maybe, it all depends on how I feel

Me
Uh oh ... You ok?

DC 1:51
Yeah, I'm just not sure if I'm going to drink tonight, you know?

Me
Oh. Ok.

DC
Yeah

Me 1:54
So, two stores done. Two to go.

DC
Cool

Me 1:55
Purty toasty, actually. Twc says its 71. Feels like frickin' 80+. NO clouds, 2000% humidity.

DC 1:56
Damn

Me
Gonna be below 50 tonight. Yeesh.

Me 1:57
Oops, 3 to go. :-(

DC
Well atleast it will cool off for ya

Me 1:58
Yup.

DC 1:59
Well I'm going to eat, shower and maybe take a nap. Ttyl?

Me 2:00
Ok, hun. I've already done all those. Hope they go at least as well for you as they did for me, which was pretty good ;-)

DC 2:02
Well thats good

Me
*nods* buh bye for now, hun..

DC 2:03
Bye baby

--- --- --- ---

DC 5:34p
Hey, what are you up to?

Me
Nappie-dooz, then off to B's Pizza with the PUs. You?

Me 5:37
I got the 2nd hard drive to work in Mr. PC ... And Be Writable ... Did NOT break nail :-D

DC
Just shaving and getting dressed to go to dinner and then going out

Me 5:38
Coolness. Going out meaning ... Club? Like dancing or karaoke? :: snickerage ::

DC
Lol, well those are all good things

Me
Oh ... Didja get in touch w/ D? Call AT&T? See if ya can download files from eMail? Forgot the other one, sorry.

DC 5:39
Its kinda like a side/freek show bar

Me
Oh. Same one as last time or a different one?

DC 5:40
No, not yet, I knew she would be working s's tonight

Me
Oh, ok.

DC
Same as last friday

Me 5:41
You seemed to like that place as I recall.

DC
Yeah

DC 5:42
Yeah, it's a neat little place

Me
the PUs finally turned the a/c on today. The mother figure was painting, so we had to wait til she was done. I was *sweating* up here.

Me 5:43
Cool on the Club.

How's the job hunting going over there? I haven't heard a lot about it.

DC 5:44
I bet so, it's been rainy all day

Me
Not here. We actually had clouds & wind for about a half hour. That's it.

DC
I have a good line on one

DC 5:45
Damn

Me
Awesome! Doing what?

DC
Working in an adult store, LOL

Me 5:46
:: snickerage :: perfect :-D ... The girls are gonna wuv buying from you ...

Me 5:47
Hey, would ya get an employee discount? :: crossing paws :: ...

DC
Lol, I hate to think that but you might have something there

DC 5:48
Good chance

Me
Yeah, I might. Why wouldja hate to think that?

DC 5:49
Cause I don't see myself that way

Me 5:50
Hey, when they ask for your phone number, give 'em Dave's ...

DC
Lol, I may do that

Me
Well of course not, hunnie. Yer notta girl, & yer not bi. Or did I mith thomething?

Me 5:51
Heeee!

DC
Nope

Me 5:53
I am soooo drained from the weather. And the mother figure's gonna be ready in time for us to wait in line for a table. A l*o*n*g line. Yeehah.

DC
Yep

Me 5:54
Any other news? When y'all going back to Charlotte? Other stuff going on? I'm so bored here now :-(

Me 5:55
I feel like a Jack Russell Terrier ... And? And? And? And? :: snickerage ::

DC 5:56
Atleast by next weekend, sooner if nessary

LOL

Me
Okey dokes. Hope that all goes well.

DC 5:57
Me too

Me
I'll be working ... next week.

Me 5:58
I'll bet you do. I'm just really glad you have a place, baby, and not only that, what seems to be a rather good one.

DC 5:59
Cool

It really is

Me 6:01
I did the math today. For everything 10hrs/wk & up, I'll get $xx gross total. However, the more I work at the store, the more taxes get taken out, so the *less* $$ I'll have. Now ain't *that* incentive ...

:: sniff :: good. I just hope you don't decide DC is the place for you & I'm unwelcome :-(

DC 6:02
Yeah, it kinda is

Me
How so?

DC 6:04
How so what hun

Me 6:05
You said it kinda is. What kinda is how? Incentive to work more for less $$? DC is home now? I'm unwelcome?

DC 6:07
No, the money thing

Me
Oh, ok. How is working more to get less "incentive"? I be confused, sorry.

DC 6:09
I read it wrong, I thought you said insenceative

Me
Ah, gotcha. BIG difference ;-)

Me 6:11
Tonight's my first night taking the 2nd Wellbutrin of the day. This oughta be interesting. Hope it helps ... Kinda nervous about it.

DC 6:13
I bet so, I hope it works well for you

Me 6:14
Thx. The skinny is that it makes you sleep even *less*. Seeing as I got in 5hrs last night & about an hour to nappie-doo time ... Eeep!

DC 6:15
Damn

Me
Another side-effect is teeth grinding. I think I got that, since I dreamt I ground them so hard they shattered ;-)

Me 6:16
Yeah. So text me *anytime* except at work. I'm prolly gonna be up ;-)

DC 6:17
Damn, you may have to get a mouth guard to sleep with

Me
Bought two today :-)

DC
Sorry

Me 6:18
:: shrug :: sleepless or suicidal ... Which do you prefer? I hava purty good guess ... But thx :-)

DC
Cool

Me
Yeah, it was $1.50 for one or $2 for two. Um ...

DC 6:19
I understand that

Me 6:24
*nods* I figured ya might. Oh, & I looked into the Seroquel for you & the bi-polar thing. While the side-effect profile can be kinda nasty, its got the best profile for effectiveness. Its also the *only* one for depression *and* mania, plus it helps with the borderline personality issues (sudden temper flare-ups & aggression/abuse). Like its the *only* effective borderline personality med. Just having trouble finding how much it'll cost.

Me 6:28
See, it turns out that *some* bi-polars experience the manic phase as aggression, which comes across as borderline. Unless they're stoned or drunk, in which case it could be happy mania instead ... Weird, huh?

DC 6:29
Ok, I can understand that

Yeah it is

Me
Wow! I did english on the first try!? Damn! We better mark this one in the calendar! :-D

Me 6:30
Dammit. The mother figure's ready to go. Ttyl ...

DC
Yeah, lol. Well I got to start getting ready

DC 6:31
Ok

Me
Perfect timing then. Buhbyez, baby.

DC
Bye hun

--- --- --- ---

Me 8:57p
Dinner's over. The storms hit while we were eating. Now I need a sweatshirt out here. Welcome to MI ... Where you use the furnace & a/c on the same day.

DC 8:58
Yep, we finished eatting and will be at the bar soon

Me
Hope ya have fun again.

Me 8:59
(sent picture of heaping gutters)

DC 9:01
Me too. I think I'm starting to make connections too

Me
Awesome!

DC 9:02
Wow, those need to be cleaned out

Me
(Pic of maple seed pods on patio & grass, too)

DC 9:07
Wow, that has to be a pain in the ass

Me 9:08
:: snickerage :: yup. But the tree has a huge canopy that keeps the house cooler on summer afternoons.

DC 9:09
Yeah, that is always nice

Me
*nods*

On the english on the first try ... I think you're working very hard on that, too. Like instead of not getting what it says right away & feeling put down or slighted, you'll take a moment to figure it out. Thx! :-D

DC 9:10
What are you getting into tonight?

Me 9:11
Not sure yet. Nothin' all that interesting. Prolly laundry & PCg.

DC
I told you I was working on stuff

Me 9:12
:-D and it really showed, and I wanted to acknowledge that.

Back on the mania as aggression ... It actually sounds exactly like what we've both been saying. When some bi-polar folks feel their manic phase is threatened, they react w/ excessive anger to "protect" & maintain the happy state. Which totally fits cuz you said you've *been* happy, but I say I've seen mostly angries. Purty snifty, huh? Turns out these folks hava lotta trouble maintaining close love relationships becuzza the disorder cuz their partners are so emotionally and/or physically hurt. This Seroquel is the *only* med approved by the FDA for this particular sitch. Problem 1 ... Dr. may ask you to co-see a shrink in order to be comfy prescribing it cuz she's a general med/internist, notta psych. Problem 2 ... No idea on how much it costs, but it sounds like it could be a lot cuz its the "only" thing available for so many situations, *and* its still under patent (non-generic) til 2011.

DC 9:14
Wow, thats good to know. Thanks hun

Me
Yer welcome. I can do researchy stuff. :-)

DC 9:15
Yeah you can

Me 9:16
Fitting the mouthguard now. Gonna be unavailable for about 3 minutes.

DC 9:17
Thats cool cause we are almost there

Me 9:18
Okey dokes. And this would be why I bought the 2 pack. The 1st one didn't work.

Me 9:19
Buh bye for now, hun.

DC
Figures

Bye baby

--- --- --- ---

Me 11:24p
Dunno if you saw this on D's Facebook: "Working S's tonight, then off to ConCs to do a show. I don't like being asked to do shows last minute... I must be made of awesome. ^_^." I'm actually tired right now & am gonna try that seepie-byes thing ...zzzz... Prolly be up again in 2-3hrs ;-)

DC 11:25
Ok, sleep well

Me 11:26
Thx. How late will you be up in case I do wake up?

DC 11:27
Atleast 3am

Me
Okey dokes. I'm about 99% sure I'll be awake again by then. Buhbyezzzz, sweetie!

DC 11:28
Bye 4 now hun

--- --- --- ---

Written but not sent:

Wednesday: Staying w/kurt was against my better judgment for weeks; I stayed for us. Psychologists call it learned helplessness. I got it from abuse (PUs/you/+) & Gift of Life (long story). You & kurt said to do what I think is best, but I was afraid if I did it wrong you'd get mad & judge me just like him & the PUs. I felt powerless & trapped, aka helpless. The only way I saw out was to literally get out. I don't wanna do that w/you but while in the depths of depression nothing else seemed reasonable/likely. Yeah I promised to not hold the past against you. But the past isn't letting go of me cuz its happened repeatedly. These feelings get stronger by questions & reminders which feel like badgering nagging commands. It all hurt too much & became anger toward me/you/us. Helpless also means not talking about it cuz I feel like I don't matter & nothing I do will change what happens. Yes, I'm working on it.

5.28.2009

2009-05-28T23:59:00.000-04:00

Me 3:37p
Hello? How's your day going?

DC
Ok, yours

Me 3:38
I'm a cashier now. At least $8/hr, but she'll get back to me on the exact amount tomorrow.

DC 3:39
Good

Me
I'm sorry I was so depressed yesterday.

DC 3:40
Me too, I'm still kinda hurt

Me 3:41
I'm sorry :-( ... L got upset with me about it. Totally stood up for you.

DC 3:42
Really, why is that?

Me 3:43
She said I was being an asshole & that you look like a guy that can get any girl you want. I said exactly. She said you fucking moron that means he wants you. Get over it.

DC 3:44
Well thats nice of her

Me 3:45
:: snickerage :: yeah, she's a bit less on the tact. Her point is perfectly clear.

DC 3:46
Yeah

Me 3:47
the PUs are in Canada today, thank goodness. At the casino again. I like it when they're gone.

DC 3:48
I bet so

Me 3:49
Sad to say, but that alone makes it a better day. I wish I could say or do something to help you feel better. Just clueless as to what.

DC
I just have to get over it

Me 3:50
I'm sorry.

DC
Its ok, just don't do that again, ok?

Me 3:51
Ok.

DC 3:52
I need to go for now and shower and stuff

Me
I "saved" the Djarum Cherries. For some reason, the last several packs have been *really* dry. Its been really humid, so I just took out & let 'em soak up.

DC 3:53
Ok

Me
Ok. Hope the day goes well for you. I love you, even if I don't always do it right. Buhbyez.

DC 3:54
Bye 4 now

--- --- --- ---

DC 5:49p
I have a little bit before dinner, you want to text?

Me 5:50
I can try. I'm driving to dinner w/ B.

DC
Oh ok

Me 5:51
Going to a Mexican restaurant in a2. Their tacos are unique & yummy.

DC 5:52
Cool, I want to go back to the bar we were at the other night

Me 5:53
:: snickerage :: sounds like a plan. Hope its lotsa fun again.

DC 5:53
Me too. I liked the burger I had there the other night

Me 5:55
Sounded like it. Glad ya did, too. Maybe sometime I can try to make one for you.

DC 5:56
That would be cool

Me
Yeah, with some of that TN bbq.

DC 5:57
That would be super

Me
:-) okey dokes.

Me 5:59
I'll be there in about 10mins, btw.

DC 6:00
I hope you enjoy dinner with b and have a couple of drinks to calm your nerves

DC 6:01
Ok

Me
That's purty much the agenda ;-) ... I'm an emotional mess. Shocked they hired me.

DC 6:02
Why

Me
Although it sounded like she'DC already made up her mind before I got there.

Me 6:03
Cuz my emotions are allover the place, & I'm a director, not an actor

DC
Really?

So where is that one at?

Me
Yup. She *started* the interview talking about orientation.

DC 6:04
Well you got the job anyway

Me
That one what? Store? About a half milr from the house.

DC
Nice

Me 6:05
Yup. The only bnies I'll get are paid time off & retirement savings, tho'.

DC 6:06
I was hopeing it was TJ

Me
Me, too. Still no drug test, tho' ;-)

DC 6:07
Thats good

Me
Yeah. She asked about SCP. I kept it pg-rated.

DC 6:08
Who?

Me
J, my new boss.

DC 6:09
Oh ok

Me
I had them as an employer so I looked like less of a job-hopper.

DC 6:10
Ok

Me
About a mile to go.

DC 6:11
Ok

Me
I'm there. Buh bye for now, hun. Ttyl?

DC 6:12
Ok hun, bye

--- --- --- ---

Me 8:09p
Done w/ dinner. It was yum but no bar. Bought Ben a mexican pizza. the PUs will prolly get to the house shortly after I do. Hope yer night's going well.

DC 8:10
At dinner now then drinks

Me 8:11
Good. Didja get to go where you wanted?

DC 8:12
Yep, so all we have to do is order

Me
Awesome. I'll leave ya to it then. Buhbyez.

DC 8:13
Ok, bye

--- --- --- ---

Me 9:37p
Hey, hun. Have you heard of a band called Meshuggah? Described as death metal with meth-rock tempos. Thought ya might like it ;-)

DC 9:38
I'm not into death metal

Me 9:39
Ok, sorry. Ignore the eMail cuz the first text failed then went thru just as I pushed send on the eMail. Figures, huh?

DC 9:40
Thats cool, thanks for the thought

Me 9:41
Yer welcome. The site said they were like Slipknot only harder, & I thought you liked them.

DC 9:42
I'll check it out anyway

Me
Ok. Sorry to bug din-din. Buhbyez.

DC 9:43
Thats ok hun. Bye 4 now

--- --- --- ---

Me 11:02p
How's the drinking working out? :: snickerage ::

DC 11:04
Pretty good, I think we are about to head home. I'm about ready for sleepies

Me 11:06
Glad it went well again. I'm in bed already. I know, I'm a wuss. Of course, I was ready to pass out til I laid down. :: sigh ::

DC 11:07
Yeah, I'm sure I will be ready to lay down when we get back, LOL

Me 11:08
:: snickerage :: hope that means you'll sleep well, baby.

DC 11:09
Me too, maybe I won't wake up tonight

Me
:: crossing paws :: for ya ...

DC 11:10
Thanks

Me 11:11
Yer welcome. I hava really good feeling about B's. Dunno about the $$, but I think the atmosphere is gonna be just what I need.

DC 11:12
Cool hun

Me 11:14
I hope so. I wanna be a decent person. Looking back, and I know this sounds weird, but I think GoL really messed me up. So did my bf at the time.

DC 11:16
Sorry hun

Me 11:17
Its not you ... That was just an FYI ... But thx anywayz.

DC 11:18
Ok hun

Me 11:19
I'm trying, hun, I really am. I'm sorry I'm such a fuck-up & you get hurt.

DC 11:21
Lets drop that please

Me 11:22
Ok. Sorry.

DC 11:23
Lets just forget that has happened and move on, ok?

Me
Ok.

DC 11:25
Welk we are almost home

Me 11:26
Ok. Guess that means nitey-nite, huh?

DC 11:27
Almost hun, sorry

Me 11:28
That's fine. I want you to sleep well. Keeping you awake til you get a 2nd wind or burst of energy won't help, I'm thinkin' ;-)

DC 11:30
Nope, not so much, LOL

Me 11:31
:: snickerage :: anything else ya wanna chat about real quick?

DC 11:32
No really, my brain no be workin' right now, LOL

Me 11:33
LOL! I'm soooo surprised to hear that ;-) ... Drinks were about the same size again, I take it?

DC 11:34
Yeppers

Me
:-D

DC 11:35
Go figure

Me 11:36
I'm glad y'all found that place. It seems to be working out well.

DC 11:38
It is, very well

Me
:-D ... Ben's dreaming. She's "woofing" in her sleep. Its so cute!

DC 11:39
I bet so

Me 11:40
And now her widdle feet are going. Wonder where she's going or what she's chasing?

DC 11:41
Who knows, we are at the house. Seepie time

Me 11:42
Ok. Happy seepie-byes, sweetie :-* ... Buhbyez. Ttyt?

DC 11:45
Yep, night, bye 4 now

5.27.2009

2009-05-27T23:15:00.002-04:00

DC 2:05p
Hey hun, how is your day today?

Me
Ok. Yours?

DC 2:07
Ok I guess. Are you feeling any better?

Me
No.

DC 2:08
I'm sorry, is there anything I can do to help?

Me
Thx. Just forget about me & move on.

DC 2:09
No, I want to be with you baby

Me 2:10
I'm sorry to hear that. I'll never be the person you need/want me to be, or even think I am.

DC 2:11
Yes you will and are hun

Me 2:12
Nope. I can't be a fun, social person. I can't trust or believe anymore. There's nothing left.

DC 2:13
Why?

Me 2:14
Last night you said I was funny when I'm drunk. How many times have you seen me drunk?

DC 2:15
A few, why hun?

Me 2:17
The very first time, you got so mad at me. For days. So I can only conclude that I wasn't funny. The second time was @ John's, which I know wasn't funny.

Am I missing something? Or are you re-writing history in your favor again?

DC 2:19
Right, before the bad stuff happened at johns you were funny, ;-)

What did I do to you for you to be so mad at me?

Me 2:20
Ok. But whenever I'm happy or having fun, it turns out to be a bad thing. *always*

I didn't die yesterday. I'm sorry.

DC
No it doesn't

DC 2:21
I don't want you to die

DC 2:22
I love you if you have forgotten

Me 2:23
Every time I can think of, yeah, it does. At least when we were physically together. You were a great guy before Ohio. Yer purty good now. But when we're in the same place, its horrible for me. The places where you ripped my hands open when you tore my clothes off that last week *still* haven't healed.

Me 2:24
I haven't forgotten you love me. I remembered that its just not gonna work.

DC
I'm so sorry baby

Me 2:25
Sorry about what? You're you. I'm just me.

DC
Why not? Why are you giving up on me, on us?

Me 2:26
I just can't pretend or hope or believe anymore.

DC
Why not?

Me 2:28
If mel were to suddenly rise from the dead & say he learned his lesson, loves you, & wants to be a close part of your life ... What would you do?

DC 2:29
I don't know, why are you doing this to me?

Me 2:30
Go, please. You obviously can (and do) have a lot more fun & good in your life when I'm not around.

DC 2:31
But I want you around, I want you. You are my world

Me 2:34
You *say* that. But when we actually were together, I was constantly in physical and/or emotional pain, all intentionally caused by you. Why set myself up for that again? Just cuz you're great when its a long-distance thing? Cuz I like being thrown around? I can't pretend that it won't happen again.

DC 2:35
It won't baby, I sware

Me 2:36
Every day I'll be waiting for when it'll happen again. I will always be afraid to touch, trust, want, etc.

Me 2:37
Yeah, and you scoffed it off when I'd asked you about it on the phone pre-Ohio.

DC
You have to belive in me like I do with you

Me 2:38
I can't anymore. There's no more belief or trust left. Just pain & death.

DC
Baby please

DC 2:39
Everything was fine last night and now you jump all over me like this. Why, what did I do wrong?

Me
I am so sorry. I had the chance to end it all yesterday. I was *doing* it. Then I just stopped cuz it surprised, and the opportunity was lost.

Me 2:40
I'm not mad. I'm not jumping. Imjust stating facts and how I feel about them.

DC
Don't do this to us, me, you

Me 2:42
I don't exist anymore. The body's still here, but me the person is dead.

DC
Well we both promised to leave the past in the past and move forward. Please don't do this

Thats not true

Me 2:44
Yes, we did promise that. But you weren't the victim. You don't hafta always be afraid about what I'll get pissed at next and rip yer hair out or try to break your fingers. I do.

What's not true?

DC 2:45
Why do you not love me?

Me
I didn't say I don't love you.

DC 2:47
It sure feels like it. You're trying to throw me away. That doesn't feel like you love me anymore

Me 2:49
I love you too much. This is ripping me apart & I'm crying. I just feel like there's no other option. How am I to believe? I can't.

DC 2:50
You have to give me a chance to show you and prove myself to you

Me 2:52
No, I don't *have* to do anything. You're the one that took 18 months to "wake up", as you put it. You're the one that lied to me about what you'd be like, & even said I was your top priority, etc. You had 18 months to clue in & it wasn't important enough to do so.

DC 2:54
We have been doing so well and just cause that dickhead fucked you over yesterday you take it out on me

Me 2:57
Fine, then. As you say, you're not listening to me. I haven't said a single thing about him or that. You want specifics & examples, and I've been doing that. But its just so much easier for you to blame him than to just maybe see that I have a point that you don't like.

DC 2:59
Well you just start taking shit out of nowhere. I did nothing wrong and I don't deserve to be jumped on for nothing

Me
Again, not listening.

DC 3:00
No I am. Its just not fair to do this to me for nothing

Me 3:02
Then you're better off without me. Which is very plain to see anyway. Except for you. For some reason you refuse to see its true.

DC 3:03
I could understand if I war yelling at you or something but I've done nothing wrong

Cause it's not fucking true

Me
I'm not mad at you. But then you won't listen to me when I say that.

DC 3:04
Then stop this shit and stop hurting me

Me
Ok. Goodbye.

DC 3:06
I see just how little what I want, feel, or care about means to you

DC 3:10
I now know that I mean nothing to you

Me 3:40
I'm sorry you think you mean nothing to me. If you'd been listening, you'd know that's not true. I'm sorry for just saying what I believe is true, and you thinking I'm jumping on you. I'm sorry that I just can't pretend I'll ever be anything other than me, and that I can no longer pretend that everything will work out. I'm sorry that it took all this for you to finally realize how wrong your behavior was, because if you'd done it even a week sooner, we'd probably still be together. I'm sorry that you refuse to allow all the happiness & fun "in", and see that life is better without me. It always has been. I'm sorry that I wasn't your top priority, & I'm sorry that I didn't leave you sooner. If I had, maybe you would've "woken up" sooner, too. And I'm sorry that you still fall back to the abusive phrasing instead of seeing what I'm really saying. I love & care for you very much, & this hurts me a lot, too.

Me 3:44
We had been doing a lot better. Because *you* are a lot happier & doing better. I'm the one that has no say in this relationship. I never have, and I never will. SCP will always mean more to you, & I will never be the socialite you need me to be. I just can't pretend that people, including you, *really* want me around. And I can't be happy. Ever. That's when you get *really* upset & life gets a *lot* worse. I'm sorry in so many ways.

DC 3:46
You are so full of shit. You just want to hurt me when you are being all pissy. You can say it is whatever you want to but you are being a selfish, childish, heartless woman. Then again why should my feelings matter now? THEY NEVER HAVE BEFORE!!!

Me
Sorry I tried to explain.

DC 3:49
Fuck your explanations. You should try caring about other people and stop being so fucking selfish

Me
Nevermind.

Me 3:51
Again, if that's all I am, then I'm right. You *are* better off without me.

DC 3:52
Well you won't give it a chance sn how would I fucking know

Me 3:53
I gave it a very long chance. Life was all about you for 18 months. Only your feelings, your needs, your wants, your judgments, your priorities. Yeah, that's me being selfish.

DC 3:55
It is now that we are really doing well and things are working out

Me 3:56
Ok. Again, I'm sorry I tried.

Me 3:58
I'm selfish for trying to look after myself. I'm selfish for having feelings you disagree with, and deem wrong. I'm selfish for not being exactly & only what you want me to be.

DC 3:59
Trying would be saying that things were bad quite often but I love this person enough to try again. Thanks for breaking my heart

Me
I've tried again hundreds of times!

DC 4:01
I'm turning off the phone now. I can't deal with your fucking shit anymore. I can't belive you could do this to me

BULLSHIT

Me 4:02
Funny how when I do that, I'm selfish & childish, but its fine for you.

Me 4:03
Every time you were abusive, I'd say that I loved you enough to try again. And you abusive almost every fucking day until your friends stepped in & told you to stop.

--- --- --- ---

Me 11:16p
Can we talk?

DC 11:17
About what?

Me
Our last conversation.

DC
What about it?

Me 11:18
I'd like to talk on the phone.

DC 11:19
K

Me
Who's calling?

DC 11:20
You want to talk

Me
Ok.

Maybe it will finally end soon

2009-05-26T23:38:00.003-04:00

I hadn't been all that suicidal for almost a week. Lost yet another job yesterday morning. I feel like such a useless loser.

When I was getting the mail that afternoon, a UPS truck was driving down the street. I suddenly realized that I was calculating the best time to leap in front of it.

Know what? Not scared at all. Nope. Just disappointed that the pause it took for me to realize what I was doing made me miss my chance.

But he'll be back tomorrow :: crossing paws ::

5.26.2009

2009-05-26T22:29:00.000-04:00

Me 11:17a
I was right. I no longer work for kurt. I'm driving back now so talking is easier than texting.

Me 12:44p
I'm back at the house.

DC 12:56
I'm sorry hun. I wish I knew what to say to help. I had my phone plugged in and didn't know it was going off

Me 12:57
Thx. This isn't exactly unexpected. The only reason I stayed as long as I did was for us. The impact on our future is the only downside, imo, of this.

DC 12:58
Yeah I aggree

Me 12:59
So ... Hopefully your job hunting goes *really* well ;-)

DC 1:00
Yeah

Me
What're you up to today?

DC 1:02
Just doing some job hunting online as of now

Me
*nods* me, too.

DC 1:03
Well good luck hun

Me 1:04
Thx. He already hired my replacement. T had a mtg w/kurt @ noon. She seemed nervous about it after he'd already told her to look for a new job last week.

DC 1:06
Damn

Me
Yeah.

DC 1:08
Maybe things will still work out

Me 1:09
:: crossing paws ::

DC 1:10
Well I'm going to get back to job hunting hun

Me
Ok. Again, g'luck :-) buhbyez.

DC 1:11
You too hun, bye for now

--- --- --- ---

DC 3:40p
How's it going hun?

Me 3:41
Eh. You?

DC 3:42
So so. I think I've done all I can for the day

Me
The grocery store on the corner here is looking for a cashier. So I applied. Now they gotta enter my personality test into the computer. If I match the "ultimate cashier" (her words & emphasis) profile, she'll call Thursday to schedule a full interview.

Me 3:43
I hear ya there. There are a couple openings at the mall, but their all high-end women's clothing stores. Dunno if I should even bother :-(

DC
Well atleast you have a good chance there

Why not hun?

Me 3:44
:: shrug :: I dunno what the profile they're looking for is, so who knows how close I am. The way she said it, the computer tells her yes or no if she can call.

Me 3:45
The ads specifically state "fashion conscious" and "trendy". Um, not so much?

DC
Wow, thats wierd

DC 3:46
Well yeah, you have your own style, thats trendy

Me
Not really. Its been common in this area since before I worked at Gift of Life. And now that there's a glut of potential employees, they'll find someone anyway.

Me 3:47
LOL! I suppose that's true ;-)

DC 3:48
Thats right hun. Belive in yourself

Me
Tough time of that today. Thx for the reminder. All I wanna do is lie in bed til I die.

Me 3:49
Oh, & how'd it go? ... Didja call AT&T, yet? Can you play YouTube vidz on yer phone? Can ya download attachments from Y!Mail and/or gMail to yer phone?

DC 3:50
No, how can we be together if you do that?

Me
I know. But how can we be together if we've got nowhere to be?

DC
Damnit. I keep forgetting to do that

Me 3:51
:: snickerage :: I certainly know how that goes, unfortunately.

DC
We will figure something out baby

DC 3:52
Yeah

Me
I hope so. Turns out I misunderstood the PUs TN plans. They're not leaving here til July. Ugh!

DC 3:53
Damn

Me 3:54
Yeah. Shit fuck damn son of a bitch holy hell came to mind ...

DC
I bet so

Me 3:55
Yep. It was a lot easier when I thought they were leaving in a couple weeks. Now it just *really* sucks to be here.

DC 3:56
I know. Who knows, you may get a job and never be there

Me 3:57
Never heard back from the mindful muscle guy. It wasn't paid anyway so nbd. It'd just be nice to know why that fell thru.

DC
Yeah, I bet so

Me 3:58
That'd be nice. I applied for several today. No response, yet. I'm betting at least a couple are scams.

DC 3:59
There are always a couple, LOL

Me
I am soooo glad I got my data off the PC Friday. Covering my ass comes thru again.

:: snickerage :: yepperoonies.

DC
Yep

Me 4:00
Haven't heard from T, so hopefully that means he didn't fire her at noon.

DC
Oh did you see what was on sci fi yesterday?

Me 4:01
No.

DC
Damn

The origional land of the lost

Me 4:03
Gave her the same "my way or the highway" speech last week, told her to bring in everything today, & said there was no reason for her to stick around post-mtg.

Awesome! I don't wanna see the movie since its just a will fartell spoof.

DC
Damn

Me 4:04
*not* good. She quit another job to take this one. So she can't get unemployment compensation.

DC
Yeah, I forgot how bad that show was, LOL

DC 4:05
Damn, that really sucks

Me
LOL! It was great if you just let yourself absorb into it & then pop back out. But otherwise it sucked ;-)

DC 4:06
Or if you had good drugs, LOL

Me 4:07
Yup. She was very upset about me not working there. Then it dawned on her ... "Does this mean I gotta really kiss his ass, like lick it clean?!" OMG! I LMFAO!

DC
LOL

Me 4:08
Oh, well yeah. But that's what I meant by absorb into it. Induce a minor 'druggie effect'. Worked for Puf-n-Stuf too. Lidville was a lost cause.

DC 4:09
Yep

Me 4:14
T said that my intuition was dead-on again, so even if today went well for her, she's gonna update her resume when she gets home & job-hunt. Some stuff he said to me hinted at his doing this to her, too, but I got the impression it was a future thing, like he hasn't found her replacement, yet.

DC 4:15
Can I whip his ass when I get up there?

Me 4:16
That's fine by me so long as you don't get hurt.

DC 4:17
Oh I won't. He won't even see me coming

Me
LOL ok, Neil.

DC 4:18
LOL

Me 4:19
Its not like I dunno exactly where he lives. Or like there are raves regularly held 2 floors below.

DC
Welk hun I need a snack and a shower

Me
Ok. Enjoy on both. I gotta pee & nappie-doo ;-)

DC
Cool

DC 4:20
Ok hun. Ttyl

Me
Laterz, baby.

DC 4:21
Bye 4 now

Me 4:22
Buhbyez.

--- --- --- ---

Me 7:09p
Hello. I gotta few minutes ... Do you?

DC 7:10
Yeah, we are getting ready to go eat

Me
Cool. Whatcha havin' tonight?

DC 7:12
Not really sure yet. We are going to a bar/grill tonight

Me
:: snickerage :: ok. I'm waiting for the carryout chicken.

DC 7:13
Ok, I hope you enjoy it

Me 7:14
I always do, which is why I picked it. Need that today.

DC
Yeah I bet so hun

Me 7:15
Ok, there was that one time back in the late 80s, but we've been coming here since before you were born ;-)

*nods* seriously considering kurt's offer on the project work. Try it once, & if it sucks, I'm done, ya know?

DC 7:16
Wow

What do you mean?

Me 7:17
I mean that its fundage every once in a while. And, in theory, things that are a bit more defined. If he's still an ass about it, I just won't take on anymore projects for him.

DC 7:20
Ok hun, thats totally your call. He just better watch his ass and attitude with you. I'm already pissed that he used you like this

Me 7:21
Same here. That's why its taking me so long to decide what to do.

DC 7:22
Well be sure about it, you know?

Me 7:23
Yeah. And I'm not, yet. Still thinking it over. Gotta go ... Driving now. Buhbyez, baby.

DC 7:24
Bye hun

--- --- --- ---

Me 9:23p
What're ya up to now?

DC 9:24
Sitting here watching hockey and having a few drinks

Me
Didn't know you liked hockey. I think ya like drinks, tho' ;-)

DC 9:26
Yeah, drinks make everything better. Maybe you should have a few after the day you have had

Me
Already on that ;-)

DC 9:27
Good, you want to see what these people call a shot?

Me
Ok.

Me 9:30
Good bar!

DC 9:31
Yeah, I had to swallow 4 times to get it down

Me
:: snickerage :: thank goodness you've hadalotta practice! What is it? Looks awfully dark in the pic.

DC 9:32
Jager

Me 9:33
Ah. So what do S & N do that they can afford to go out all the time? That's an impressive disposable income.

DC 9:35
One is an accountant, the other works in a bank

Me 9:36
That'd do it. Too bad I hate both of those. We could use that kinda fundage. Oh, well. It was worth a try, I guess.

DC 9:37
And they both think I am funny when I am drinking/drunk. LOL

Me
Um, well, ya kinda are ;-)

DC
Why do you not like those?

Me 9:38
I suck at 'em for one thing ;-) ... Tried accounting. Was ready to kill something by the end of my first semester. And much of banking is built around acctg.

DC
You can kiss my ass, lol. You are pretty funny drunk too

DC 9:39
Yeah

Me
Really? I just remember you getting mad at me the one time, and the nasty spirits another.

DC 9:40
You are still funny

Me
Ok, good to know, thx.

DC 9:44
I think people like me like this. Even the woman behind the baq giggles at me when she brings the drinks

Me
:: snickerage :: that's prolly cuz she thinks yer hot ;-)

DC 9:46
With the size of these shots I'm beginning to wonder, LOL

Me 9:47
Um, yeah. The real clue is ... Is it just your shots? Or other customers, too?

DC 9:48
I don't know

Me 9:49
Gasp! I thought you paid more attention to such details! Maybe her evil plan is working, then ... ;-)

DC 9:50
Funny, LOL

Me
:: snickerage :: see? The truth is that I'm funny when *you're* drunk ;-)

DC 9:52
I'm not drunk, Buzzed as a motherfucker but not drunk... Yet, LOL

Me 9:53
Gotcha.

DC 9:54
I think these people are out to get me, LOL

Me
Seems like they already *got* you.

DC 9:56
Yeah, atleast I have nowhere I have to be tomorrow

Me
*nods* prolly a very good thing.

DC 9:57
Yep, LOL

Me
I should prolly let you have your fun. Buhbyez.

DC 9:58
Only if you need to go hun

Me
Sorry, yeah I do.

DC 9:59
Ok, what are you getting into?

Me
A mood.

DC 10:00
Why hun?

Me 10:03
Hun, please ... Enjoy yourself, ok? You need that.Cuz I'm me & you're you.

DC 10:04
What are you talking about baby?

Me
I'm trying to not drag you into my meltdown.

DC 10:05
Please hun, is there no way I can help?

Me 10:06
You can enjoy yourself & heal. That's how you can help, ok?

DC 10:07
You sure? I'm trying to be here for you

Me
Yes, and thx for that.

DC 10:08
Ok, well keep drinking. It does help for now

Me 10:09
:: snickerage :: ok. You, too, right?

DC 10:11
Maybe not much longer with the size of these shots. Lol. I have been looking at this shot for the last 10 mins, LOL

Me
:: snickerage :: enjoy!

DC 10:12
Ok hun, text me later?

Me
Ok. Buhbyez.

DC 10:13
Bye baby

--- --- --- ---

Me 10:52p
We'll see how this goes. Kinda took that magic pill combo. Vic instead of a Tram, so 1 less Tylenol since V is basically a horsier Tram + Ty. Washed it all down w/ alcohol this time, smoking a cig, & have an anti-depressant building in my system. At a minimum, this should be interesting.

DC 10:54
Yeah, I did a 500mg vic on friday and then drank and I was all kinds of fucked up

Me 10:55
I'll bet.

DC 10:56
Yeah, I'm not use to those like you are

Me
Lucky you!

DC 10:57
I wouldn't say all that now

Me
Why not?

DC 10:58
Cause I felt like shit the next day

Me 10:59
And I'm assuming you mean a 5/500 Vic? That's the one like mine. Then there's the 10/500 Vic, then the 10/1000.

:: snickerage :: there is that.

DC 11:00
It was a 5/100

Me 11:01
Hell, that's entry-level, hardly worth taking!

DC
Oh you are so funny, LOL

Me 11:02
:: snickerage :: so ... How're yer drinks compared to other patrons?

DC 11:04
Still not sure, we are on our way back to the house now

Me
Ah. S&N or the bartender's? ;-)

Me 11:06
The grocery store wants to interview me, btw.

DC
We decided to go to the house. The staff loved us

Cool, good job baby

Me 11:07
:: snickerage :: okey dokes. So y'all will prolly go there again, huh? That could be fun.

Thx. Maybe I'll finally be successful at something :: crossing paws ::

Me 11:08
Ah, the warm tinglies are here. About damn time, too. Maybe soon this headache will go away.

DC
Yeah, the food there was good too. I had a burger topped with pulled pork BBQ

Me 11:09
That could be quite yummy.

DC
I hope so baby

It was

Me
Me, too.

Good :-)

DC 11:10
Yeah, I'm going to sleep like a baby tonight

Me 11:11
So'd ya get drunk? Or just stay at fuzzy?

:-D congrats! Well, if its better than the baby next door sleeps. That'd suck.

DC
Half and half

Me 11:12
How does half-n-half work?

DC
Yeah

Me
Oops. Gotta take my regular nightly meds. Figures. Bed comfy.

DC 11:13
I'm no where near as bad ar I was at the barfleet party

LOL

Me
Well that's good!

Me 11:14
I'm surprised you came back with *me* at that party ;-) ... Anyone could've poured you into their car.

DC 11:15
Yeah, by the way, Carolina got put out tonight in the hockey playoffs

Me
:-( ... Sorry.

DC 11:16
I made sure you knew that I wanted to be with you

Me
:: snickerage :: which is prolly why nobody else took you.

DC
It's ok. They played like shit

DC 11:17
Come on now

Me
LOL! Then I'm glad they're out. No shit in playoffs. I think that's a Commandment or something.

Whu?

DC 11:18
Right

I didn't want anyone there but you

Me 11:19
I know. But others would certainly have been glad to step in, if I recall ;-) ... You have that effect on females.

DC 11:20
What do you mean?

Me 11:21
I mean you hot. Girlz notice you & want you. I've said it *many* times. You've even (grudgingly) agreed on occasion.

DC 11:22
Lol, I don't know hun

Me 11:23
Why not? Dave gives yer # to a girl ... A bartender gives ya big shots ... Ladies think yer flirting when yer not ... How much evidence do you need?

Me 11:24
And that's just in the last month. Want me to go back further?

DC
I don't know hun, I don't understand any of it

DC 11:25
No

Me
Whether or not you understand has no bearing on whether or not its true.

:: snickerage :: I thought not ;-)

DC
Ok

DC 11:26
LOL

Me 11:27
So ... I say you hot & not just to me, & you don't get it so it must not be true. Does this mean that I don't hafta believe you want *me* cuz I don't get it?

DC 11:28
No, cause I do want you

Me 11:29
And *that*, my dear, is the point. :-)

DC
Yeah yeah yeah

Me 11:30
Dammit. The headache was gone til I stood up.

LOL!

DC 11:31
Damn hun, I'm sorry. Well we are back and I'm about to go sleepies

Me 11:32
Thththphphphttt. I'm finally feeling better except for this headache thing. Oh, well. G'night.

DC 11:33
Night baby