I actually started this on May 31st, and it's taken a really long time to finally finish it. I felt that one long post was more beneficial to me than a dozen little ones. For example, this lets me see how the ideas & fears meander thru my emotional landscape.
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How am I supposed to believe I'm anything positive or worthwhile? Whenever anyone says something good, it just cuts right thru me & feels like another bullshit lie. Someone says, "you look nice today," my immediate thought is "yeah, right". Someone says I'm smart or funny, it rips me apart because I know its not true.
I've tried Optioning it, and that just runs around in circles.
Q... What if you believed you're smart?
A... I'd be lying to myself.
Q... Why do you think its a lie?
A... Cuz it is.
Q... What do you think would happen if you believed you're smart?
A... Then I'd be stupid for thinking that.
Q... Ok. Let's say for the moment that you're stupid.
A... Fuck you.
Q... Why did you say that?
A... Because I don't need anyone else saying I'm stupid.
Q... Ok. Then why do you think you're stupid?
A... Cuz I am.
Q... Give me an example of how you're stupid.
A... I thought this would help, for starters.
Q... Outside. Out in daily life, give me one specific example of something stupid you've done.
A... I believed kurt when he said he'd be a good boss.
Q... So kurt wasn't a good boss?
A... No. He's an ass.
Q... Ok. So you're saying that kurt said he'd be a good boss, but you don't think he is?
A... Yup.
Q... And so you think you're stupid for believing him.
A... Yes.
Q... Do you think he believes he's a good boss?
A... :: snickerage :: oh, yeah, he seems to think he's a *really* good boss. Said I'm incompetent cuz he doesn't know what he's talking about or wants.
Q... Ok. What if kurt's the one that's stupid for thinking he's a good boss but isn't?
A... That'd be great.
Q... Why do you say that?
A... Because a lie's a lot more convincing when the one tellin' it thinks its true.
Q... So you think he lied by saying he's a good boss?
A... Big-time.
Q... How could you have known he was lying?
A... I had a gut feeling he was, but I ignored it cuz I needed the money.
Q... Ok, I gotcha. So you worked for him just for the income?
A... Pretty much, yeah.
Q... Ok. Isn't it pretty smart to make sure you have an income?
A... Well, yeah.
Q... So you were smart to take the job?
A... Kinda. I'm $1600 ahead now, which is a very good thing.
Q... Ok. So you made a good decision to get an income?
A... At the time, yeah.
Q... And now you feel stupid because he lied to you?
A... Yeah.
Q... But you just said you made a smart decision.
A... Yeah, but how many real opportunities did I pass up because I was wasting time on him?
Q... So you think that you missed a better job by taking this one.
A... Maybe ...
Q... Maybe what? Maybe you think that or maybe you missed a better job?
A... I'm saying its possible I missed a "real" opportunity because I wasn't looking. I was looking, just not much cuz this sounded like a great thing, and I spent way too much time on it.
Q... Got it. How long have you been looking for a real job?
A... Almost six years, on & off.
Q... Wow, that seems like a long time.
A... It *feels* like a long time.
Q... And during this time, have you had a lot of success?
A... Uh, no, that's why I'm still looking.
Q... Hmmm. So you haven't been working at all?
A... No, I've worked. I just wanna land somewhere.
Q... What do you mean by "land somewhere"?
A... I mean I wanna find someplace to stay. Somewhere I can make enough to live nicely and stay there for like five-plus years.
Q... Why do you think you've been unable to land?
A... Well, I thought I had several times.
Q... Where?
A... Well, I worked part-time almost two years at TJs. But I left there because it wasn't enough to save my house. MTA sounded good, but they pushed a lot of the costs to employees, so I actually made less working there full-time at a higher hourly rate than part-time at TJs. Then at WTS, the owner was an ass who actually said "I own you from 8a to 5p", and it was too late to catch up financially to save the house or car, and I still had to file for bankruptcy anyway. Then TRA was a total cluster. At least I knew the next several jobs were gonna be temporary. So when I met kurt, I thought I'd found someplace to land, make a lot of money, and do really well. And I was so very wrong.
Q... So you thought you landed five times in six years, but none worked out?
A... Yeah.
Q... How does that mean you're stupid?
A... Because its getting to be a long series of bad career moves, and now it seems no one will touch me cuz of this track record.
Q... I see. Are you the only person you know in this situation?
A... Nope. I know a couple that are, and its on the news all the time how many highly-educated and/or formally successful people are in similar sitches.
Q... Ok. So each time you thought you landed, how could you have known ahead of time that you hadn't?
A... Cuz each time it just felt wrong but looked good, or I stayed after it became clear it wasn't gonna work, also because I "hoped".
Q... So again you ignored your intuition?
A... Yeah.
Q... Is your intuition 100%?
A... LOL! Nope, but its probably around 75 or so. I never really counted.
Q... Ok. So you're saying you're stupid when you ignore your intuition?
A... Yes.
Q... Why do you ignore your intuition?
A... Because at GoL, everything had to be documented, and "it feels right" wasn't an adequate reason. I had to prove stuff out first.
Q... How long did you work there?
A... Almost 10 years. Over 10 if you count being a consultant there first.
Q... That's a long time. Did you have to "prove" things at any other job?
A... Yeah, sorta. To some degree at ICI for three years, and then usually as a consultant for a couple of years.
Q... Ok, so you've had to pre-prove things before taking action at work for over 15 years. Is that correct?
A... Yes.
Q... And did you still have to do that at these subsequent jobs?
A... LOL! No. In fact, that's been the problem at a lot of them.
Q... How so?
A... Well at TJs, I was looking for concrete processes and there aren't any. So I spent a lot of time trying to discover the right formula, so to speak, when a lot of it needs the intuition. But then MTS had a lot of concrete processes that were totally bass-ackwards and counter-productive, and I'd gotten just-enough in touch with my intuition for that to be a bad mix. WTS was very intuition-based, and I needed to "sell" folks on my gut. But after MTA, that was really hard to do. TRA had a lot of processes that were also totally fucked up & couldn't be changed because they were in place to make the Executive Director seem important. Then kurt said he wanted me to use my creativity, but then ripped it all away because my stuff didn't match his vision.
Q... Interesting. So it sounds like you're having trouble recognizing the fact-to-intuition ratio, if you will, and this has led to lots of job-hunting?
A... Yeah, exactly.
Q... Why do you think that is?
A... Cuz the problem is that what these people say they want is very different from what they really want. So if I do what they say, they get the wrong thing. But if I do what I think they want, then I don't have a leg to stand on when its wrong & its insubordination.
Q... Got it. If you follow your intuition and its wrong, there are big consequences right away, but if you do what's directly communicated, then its the same consequences only slower.
A... Zackly.
Q... How do you feel about that?
A... Trapped, stupid, & alone.
Q... Let's look at those separately. What do you mean by trapped?
A... I can't do anything right so I'll always be a failure.
Q... How so?
A... Fucking duh.
Q... Excuse me?
A... I can never give them what they want if I'm too stupid to figure it out.
Q... I'm lost.
A... That's because I'm too stupid to explain it, obviously.
Q... Ok, let's back up. Why did you say you feel alone?
A... Because I'm the fall-gal every freakin' time.
Q... Fall-gal?
A... Yeah. When the shit hits the fan, they need someone to blame, and that person is me.
Q... I think I get it, but just to be sure, give me a concrete example of what you mean at one of these employers?
A... Well, kurt's the most recent. He said he wanted "simple, classic" business cards. But we only had three pieces of information. So I came up with a few ideas, and they were totally wrong because he wanted them to look *exactly* like the ones used in the American Psycho movie.
Q... Had he said that ahead of time?
A... Kinda. He'd mentioned the movie and said "sort of like those". But it sounded like an off-hand comment so it never occurred to me to specifically match them.
Q... So then what happened?
A... He said he liked my ideas, but they weren't what he was looking for, and _then_ sent me the picture of the card.
Q... Ok. What did you do then?
A... I told him that we had three pieces of information whereas this card had five.
Q... What did he say to that?
A... That I was "pushing back" and not being creative enough.
Q... That's an interesting response.
A... That's a lot nicer than my interpretation.
Q... What was your interpretation?
A... That this guy's an idiot and this job's broken, so failure is guaranteed.
Q... So what did you do about that?
A... I stuck it out because of the money, even though I didn't get paid until almost a month into the "job". He also said he was gonna help with DC, which seemed like the fastest way to get back together.
Q... Lemme try to bring this all together. Kurt lied about being a good boss, which your gut warned you about and you ignored for the money. Then when your gut proved to be right, you stuck it out because of the money & his promises to help with getting back together with DC. Right?
A... Yeah.
Q... So how does that make you stupid?
A... Cuz I couldn't find a way to fix it.
Q... So you think the job was broken because of you?
A... No, the job was broken because of him.
Q... Doesn't that make him the one responsible for fixing it?
A... Well, yeah. That & the fact that its his company not mine.
Q... So why do you feel responsible to fix this broken job?
A... Cuz that's my value, its what I do. LOL!
Q... What's so funny?
A... How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Q... I dunno ... How many?
A... One, but the bulb has to want to change.
Q... Ok ...
A... He doesn't wanna change.
Q... And that means what?
A... It means I'm off the hook for being unable to "fix" the sitch.
Q... Well that's good, right?
A... Yeah but ...
Q... But what?
A... There was a lotta stress cuz I didn't recognize that. I mean I did, but only intellectually. I still felt responsible, and took it very personally that things went wrong, and let his assanine judgments "matter". And then when it ended, it really really hurt, & again I felt soooo bad about it! And then I dumped DC cuz I felt so totally worthless.
Q... How would you have liked to feel?
A... It would've been nice to be able to just laugh it off, knowing that I'm fine, and will continue to be fine.
Q... Do you think you can do that now if you run into a similar situation?
A... I dunno.
Q... If you had to guess, what would be your answer.
A... Prolly no.
Q... Why do you say that?
A... Cuz I get so caught up in that damn spiral, and let him blame me.
Q... Why do you accept the blame?
A... Because it feels like I gotta prove I'm not at fault, and that the only way to do that is to do it right.
Q... But how can you do that if the job is broken?
A... I can't. So I just spin faster down the spiral. And it really, really sucks.
Q... What technique would you like to try to stop taking the blame & going down the spiral?
A... I dunno what the options are.
Q... Everyone has to find their own option. What works for one person might not work for another.
A... Well that sucks. :: snickerage ::
Q... Why?
A... Cuz I like easy answers. Tire low? Add air. Done.
Q... We can't really do that here. So, what comes first, the blame or the spiral?
A... The blame.
Q... So what can you do to stop the blame?
A... Well I can't stop him from saying it.
Q... No, probably not. What can you do to not accept the blame?
A... Well, I've been trying to explain or educate, but that doesn't work. Folks tend to take that as me arguing instead.
Q... Ok, so what else could you try?
A... Well, no, actually the spiral comes first.
Q... Meaning ...
A... Meaning I expect them to blame me, so I do a lotta cya and churning and worrying about whether or not I'm doing it right.
Q... Churning?
A... Running it thru my head, like so many moves ahead on a chessgame. If I do this, will he do this or that? And will he like it or blame me? Etc. It also means I'll do & re-do & re-re-do the work trying to figure out what they want before asking for feedback.
Q... Why do you wait for feedback?
A... Cuz once I get anything negative, I'm going down the spiral.
Q... Why's that?
A... Because it proves I'm too stupid to do the job.
Q... Oh, ok. So you start out at the top of the spiral, waiting for the right time to hop on? Which is probably going to be as soon as they give feedback?
A... Yeah, kinda. Only I hop on when I think the blame's gonna start, so when it does, it nudges me along a little faster.
Q... Hmm, interesting.
A... Um, that's one way to put it.
Q... So if you start going down the spiral first, what might you do to stop it?
A... I wish I knew.
Q... I understand that. You say you hop on when you think the blame's going to start, right?
A... Yeah.
Q... How do you do that?
A... I think the churning is the top of the spiral.
Q... Meaning ...
A... I'm circling around the problem, practically incapacitated, because I know the nudge is coming.
Q... How about an example on that.
A... Ok. I trusted myself on the business cards. The multiple revisions were options, not churning. So when he finally gave me the clear vision of what he was looking for, the spiral started. So in that case, the blame came first. But then the next revision, trying to match these American Psycho cards, I *knew* I was gonna fail, so revisions were churning, and feedback was both blaming & nudging me faster on the spiral. So when the flyer project hit, I was pretty far down the spiral, completely distrusted him, and kept going over & over it in my head so getting stuff to him for review took forever. Plus, any feedback just pissed me off cuz it was usually basic stuff that he should've been able to give me at the start.
Q... How did you know you were going to fail?
A... Because we had three pieces of info but those cards have five fields. And there was no logical way to break up kurt's info to fill up five spots.
Q... Did you tell him this?
A... Yeah, like I said earlier, that's the first time I got the "push back" & that if I didn't share his vision I should find another job speech.
Q... But you stayed with it for the money & promise to help bring DC here.
A... Yeah. So I guess that's why I got so mad at DC. I put myself thru all this bullshit for him. He asked me to stay for him, for us. Hell, he ordered & badgered me to stay. It seems like whenever I do anything for us, it hurts me or fucks me over. Like kurt, he says to do what I think is best, but then when I don't do it right (meaning his way or the only outcome he thinks is acceptable doesn't happen), I'm just a stupid lying bitch cunt whore who never gave a shit about him & I'm too much of a childish, selfish bitch to think of anyone other than myself. Then when I try to discuss what happened, he says let's just forget it & move on. Meanwhile, he's out drinking, partying, & freeloading off of friends instead of doing anything to get himself here or take responsibility for himself.
Q... Wow. You covered a lot of territory there. How do you think your interactions with DC impacted your interactions with kurt?
A... Lotsa ways. Due to the abuse, I've lost my self-confidence & don't bother standing up for myself anymore. So when someone does something hurtful, I'm just stuck & hafta take it. Plus since my whole reason for staying with kurt was to get back with DC, I felt like I couldn't take action without talking to him first. And when DC would say do what you think is best, well, I knew that if I left kurt & it took awhile for us to get DC here, it'd be a whole 'nother stupid lying bitch cunt whore who never cared scenario. So I could either take it now from kurt, or really get it later from DC. Knowing my luck nowadays, both.
Q... Why do you say your luck would mean both?
A... DC sabotaged my job at TRA by the whole "stupid lying bitch cunt whore" crap, so I had to spend my time being ready to communicate with him at a moment's notice rather than concentrate on work. Then when they got rid of me, he got pissed because I didn't care enough about him to do the job right so we had money to live off of.
Q... Um, I'm quite confused. You keep saying DC is abusive, emotionally and physically. That doing things for him or the "we" you get screwed over. And that he sabotages your efforts to do things well.
A... Yep.
Q... Why is it so important for you to get back with him?
A... Right this second I don't.
Q... Excuse me?
A... I'm very moody, and prone to extremes. One moment I can't imagine life without him and have a desperate aching need to be with him, and then something will happen and I want to die, and then something else will happen and I hate him.
Q... Um, ok. Meaning what as far as getting back together with him?
A... I don't know.
Q... If you had to guess, what would it mean?
A... If I had a reasonable guess, then I'd know, wouldn't I?
Q... I can see your logic there. I'm just trying to understand.
A... So am I.
Q... What would you like to happen?
A... I'd like it if we could be two adults in a cohesive partnership.
Q... What would that look like?
A... No more abuse, no more weird-ass outta-nowhere temper tantrums (his or mine), no more taking things personally and assuming the worst, etc.
Q... Ok, that's what it's not. What would it be?
A... Awesome.
Q... Will you give me a specific example?
A... Gimme a minute to think, please.
Q... Ok.
...
A... Alright, thanks for waiting. Keep in mind I'm not saying we'd be perfect. We'd still have fears & doubts, and stuff. We'd just be able to be there for each other.
Q... How so?
A... Well, like last night. He said "brb" in a text, and after 10 minutes I gave up waiting and sent him a nasty message about how I felt like I didn't matter and he should get someone more his speed.
Q... That's an interesting response. How would you have preferred to respond?
A... Oh, there are so many ways better than that!
Q... Like what?
A... Well for starters, I know that AT&T sometimes loses messages. Maybe he sent me a message and I didn't get it. So checking in with him to see if that happened.
Q... Any other response you would've preferred?
A... Checking in to see if he was alright. Maybe something happened.
Q... Sounds reasonable. Anything else come to mind?
A... Well, maybe actually addressing _why_ I said that. Like I said it in a text this morning. Just say I hadn't heard back in a while and it's triggering my insecurities.
Q... So why did you take the action you did?
A... Because the insecurities took over. They've been building for a couple of days, and he's been too busy to bother with me, so I haven't bugged him on it. Well, it was finally just too much.
Q... Why did you say he was too busy to "bother" with you?
A... Cuz that's how it feels. Like I'm so low on his priorities that he'd just be wasting his time on me.
Q... Has he said that?
A... Not directly, no.
Q... What has he said?
A... That he's busy and getting a lot done.
Q... Do you believe he's telling the truth?
A... Sometimes.
Q... Why sometimes?
A... He also says I'm his number one priority. If that's true, then how come everything else gets more attention than me?
Q... Have you asked him that?
A... Yeah. He said that he's got to take care of himself, too, that he has to be able to survive until we can get back together.
Q... How did you respond to that?
A... Um, yeah.
Q... Meaning ...
A... Meaning that I said that makes sense, take care of you, blah blah blah.
Q... But?
A... But I was pissed as hell at that.
Q... How come?
A... Because for over a year, I've gotten the "stupid lying bitch cunt whore who's too selfish to care about anyone else" speech anytime I thought I mattered, anytime I did anything that put myself ahead of him. So how come he can go ahead and do that?
Q... Did you discuss this with him?
A... Yeah. He said that I was breaking the promise that we wouldn't bring up the past and use it against each other. That we'd agreed to start fresh and move forward.
Q... What did you think about that response?
A... Big fucking deal.
Q... Meaning ...
A... Meaning that that's easy for him to say. He's not the one that's never mattered to anyone. He's not the one called all those horrible names just for trying to survive. He's not the one that got strangled, fingers sprained, joints knocked out of place, etc.
Q... That's quite the list.
A... Yeah it is.
Q... Is he the one that did those things?
A... Yep.
Q... Given this history, why did you agree to drop the past and start fresh?
A... Because I know there's a great guy under all that bullshit somewhere, and I've gone through a lot of expense, time, and physical & emotional pain to meet him.
Q... Then why didn't you start fresh?
A... Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me. Well, we're like on round 478 or something.
Q... Is there something different this time that led you to agree to this promise?
A... Yeah. He "woke up" as he put it. The first month and a half we were living apart were still pretty horrible, but then it was like all of a sudden that great guy was emerging and it was great to hear.
Q... How long has this guy been emerging?
A... About a month and a half.
Q... When did you make the promise?
A... About a month and a half ago :: snickerage ::
Q... Do you think this is genuine?
A... Absolutely. I mean, I had my doubts at first, but yeah, it seems like the awesome guy I've been waiting for has finally arrived.
Q... How does that relate to the insecurities you felt that past few days, and last night's outburst?
A... Cuz that's just the way it goes.
Q... Um, I don't understand.
A... Every major boyfriend, Ken, Michael, and Christian, all promised they'd stay with me. So I helped every one of them to be the best they could be as they wanted to be, not like I was molding them into "my" vision of who they should be.
Q... Not seeing the connection, yet.
A... Not too long after their 'great guy' persona arrived, they left me.
Q... So you were afraid DC would do that, too?
A... Yep. And all of them mentally and emotionally checked out before leaving me, just like DC's doing now. Well, just like it feels like he's doing now. He says he isn't.
Q... And do you believe him?
A... I don't know. :: snickerage :: I know ... if I had to guess, right?
Q... :: laughs :: yes, please.
A... :: crying :: yes and no.
Q... Why do you say that?
A... Because he sounds so sincere. I think he actually believes it's true. But no because why would someone like him want to be with someone like me?
Q... Why are you crying?
A... Because I so badly wanna believe it but it hurts too much to.
Q... How does it hurt? Will you describe it to me?
A... :: sniff sniff :: Um, it feels like my head is gonna explode, there's incredible tension & tinglies in my neck, my ears are ringing and have stabbing pains, my stomach's in knots, and I wanna run & hide but I can't move.
Q... Sounds like a pretty intense response.
A... Yup. I'd use the term overwhelming, actually.
Q... What would you do if it didn't hurt like this?
A... I'd figure out some way to go to him and make this work.
Q... So part of you is glad for the separation.
A...
Q... Um, why are you silent?
A... Cuz I shouldn't be glad we're separated.
Q... What do you mean?
A... I mean that I should be happy to be with him, but I'm not.
Q... Why not?
A... Because of the abuse history.
Q... I see. Anything else?
A... He just seems to be doing so much better off without me. And that *really* hurts. Here I was trying so hard and it's obvious I screwed up so bad.
Q... Did you try to discuss this with him?
A... Yeah.
Q... How'd that go?
A... Not good.
Q... What happened?
A... He got pissed at me for even thinking that. Then later he said that wasn't telling me all the bad stuff he feels because he's trying so hard to keep things positive so he won't add any stress or worry on top of everything else I'm going thru.
Q... What do you think of that?
A... Well fucking duh, don't ya think its stressful to know how great it's going without me?
Q... What did he say to that?
A... I didn't actually say that.
Q... What did you say?
A... I don't remember, but it was something backoffish and spineless.
Q... Why did you handle it that way?
A... Cuz it was easier.
Q... Easier how?
A... If I just acquiesce, then the fight's likely to be over sooner.
Q... Is that strategy working for you?
A... Not really.
Q... Why not?
A... Because then it's not resolved for me so we fight about it again. But then he's even angrier because we covered it before.
Q... How do you feel about that?
A... Stupid & worthless.
Q... What do you mean by worthless?
A... I mean that I'm not worth standing up for.
Q... You look like you're about to cry again.
A... Yup.
Q... Why?
A... Because this feels awful. I know, awful how ;-) ... my stomach, chest, and throat feel like they're burning up, I'm light-headed, my jaw & neck are really tight, and my ass is waiting.
Q... Waiting for what?
A... Getting spanked or whipped.
Q... How come?
A... Because that's what happens to little girls who think they're worthless. They get thrown to the ground, stepped on, and belted until there's nothing left, all the while hearing that she has to learn what worthless really feels like.
Q... Did DC do this?
A... No, dad did. And when the dog tried to protect me, mom took her away and punished her for doing that.
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At this point, I burst into uncontrollable wracking sobs for over an hour. Stopped for a bit, then cried for a bit more, etc. The rest of the weekend has been a scary, joyful ride of exploration ... who am *I* ... what do *I* want ... what do *I* like ...
